It Bothers Me...

...slightly that I have a HUGE thing for Edward Cullen...you know the vampire from Twilight. I don't even wanna say it's the actor who plays Edward. It really is just Edward. I would only want the guy if he was a vampire in real life. DUDE!! Weird...at least I think so.

So the lezzies little boy crush led me to this song he wrote called Let Me Sign. The lyrics are beautiful. He speaks in metaphors that make the hair on my arms stand straight.

See for yourself...

She was standing there by the broken tree

Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me

I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes

She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky

She said ‘ Come on over to the bitter shade,

I will wrap you in my arms and you’ll know you’ve been saved’

Let me sign, let me sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

I was out for a drink in a soho bar

The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar

She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost

She was the woman that I wanted the most

As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand

I said ‘Lay me down easy let me understand’

Let me sign, let sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

As I walked through the door she was still in my head

As I entered the room she was laid there in bed

She reached out for me all twisted in black

I was on my way down, never coming back

let me sign, let me sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

Ever Swiftly Moving...Trying To Escape This Desire

Ahhhh...I love this song. It's so beautiful...so me!

Why Hello There PEMA!!! May I kiss your feet??

"If we'd waited a little, things would have been different......but you were only thinking about your plans and forgot to include me in them"
~The Witch of Portobello

Ever had one of those moments where you stop short...look around...pat yourself down...absolutely 100% sure you've forgotten something VERY important? You rack your brain...go over your routine...every last detail...until you realize...AH HAH!! You haven't forgotten anything ANYTHING at all...you've lost it.

Yeah, well, I keep having those...

I also got a tubular reminder this morning that in a little over a week I'm going to be in audience with the LOVELY, cute, sweet, cherub-like PEMA CHODRON!!! Excited? YES! It seems to me as a western Buddhist teacher...she is way way way deeper than Deepak Chopra. Donna Karen will also be there. I am going to try to ask her about the red glasses she made for Mr. Chopra...because every time I see him...he is ALWAYS wearing them (PS...they are red and sparkly...like Dorothy's slippers...just in case you wanted to know).

So, I've finished The Witch of Portobello. If you don't already know, Paulo Coelho is one of my favorite authors (if not my favorite...he's probably my fav...sorry Ms. Winterson).

I thought it was an AMAZING book. Great storytelling...brilliant and thought provoking...

Here are some of my favorite quotes...

"Like all storms, it brings destruction, but, at the same time, it soaks the fields, and the wisdom of the heavens falls with the rain. Like all storms, it will pass. The more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass."

"I came here because there was something missing in my life...I need to fill up my blank spaces..."

"Don't let yourself be weighed down by what other people think, because in a few years, in a few decades, in a few centuries, that way of thinking will be changed. Live now what others will only live in the future."

"You want to justify your life, to live it as intensely as possible. That is at once a trap and a source of ecstasy."

"...you've always tried to control the force that transforms everything so that your lives can carry on without being faced by any major challenges."

"...love fills everything. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held prisoner because it is a river and will overflow its banks. Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it..."

"could I please give her a message: the door was always open, and she was greatly missed."

Ahhh...profound shit HUH???

Busy busy!

I Forgot...To Tell You I Love You...And The Night's Too Long And Cold Here Without You...

Hello my widdle lovelies! Hope you had a great weekend!

Thank goodness I got out Friday night cuz Saturday was icky rainy. I stayed in and watched movies...

Doubt-Good but weird...the end leaves you in doubt, but I suppose that is the point. Dunno.

Seven Pounds-Okay, I figured out exactly what was going to happen in this movie about 20 minutes in. It's predictable, however, no matter how prepared you are for the ending...you're not. Be ready to cry...I was actually literally and I truly mean wailing at the end of this. It is just...well...I don't know. I absolutely loved Woody Harrelson's character in it!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-First of all, it's too damn long. I had to watch it in two segments. I am a firm believer that if the story cannot be told in two hours it should be split into two films...just kidding, I just don't have the attention span. I liked it...although the old Brad Pitt, kinda freaked me out. The story dragged a whole lot. Cate Blanchett, of course, stole the show. She is amazing and beautiful!!! I picked out some of my favorite lines...

"We are meant to lose the people we love...how else will we know how much they mean to us?"

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end...you have to let go..."

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. But it's by accident and by design, and there's not a thing we can do about it..."

And my absolute favorite...

DAISY: Sleep with me.

BENJAMIN: Absolutely...

I had a super fun time painting Easter eggs and celebrating Sunday...ps...the paint has finally come off my fingers...lol!


LYLASF---FiFi

Seeeeeeee...NOW I HAVE BACK UP!!!

I found this article last week on Yahoo News...take a frickin look!!!

Losing It: Why Self Control Is Not Natural

Meredith Small

Fri Apr 10, 9:45 am ET

After dinner last night, I lost my usual self-control and ate half a box of cookies. No wonder. My self-control had been under pressure all day. I righteously refused a muffin at breakfast, didn't scream at my kid to get out the door although we were late, made a conscious decision not to run over a pedestrian crossing against the light, kept my fist from pounding on the table during a faculty meeting, and resisted the urge to throw an annoying student out of my office.But by 7 p.m., my self-control mechanism was worn out, and down those cookies went.The empty box would have been no surprise to Yale University psychologist Joshua Ackerman and colleagues who have discovered that self-control not only wears us down, even thinking about other people's self-control is too much to handle.In the latest issue of the journal Psychological Science, the researchers taunted subjects with the story of a waiter who was surrounded by gourmet food but not allowed a taste. Some of the subjects were encouraged to go beyond polite listening and actually imagine this poor waiter, to have real empathy with his situation. And then everybody was shown pictures of expensive stuff. Those who had put themselves in the shoes of the waiter, had suffered all that self-control as he had, wanted that stuff, no matter the price. In other words, just the thought of someone, anyone, depriving himself eventually makes greedy beasts of all of us.Apparently, it's human nature to be out of control. Imagine our early ancestors roaming the savannah looking for food. They might bring down a gazelle, but that meat was probably not enough for some of the group. As soon as they wiped their mouths, those lacking self-control were probably off again on the hunt because they could not deny themselves anything.Such an attitude was probably adaptive. It kept the group on the take, always looking, always wanting, always getting, and those who wanted more surely lived longer and passed on more genes that those who sat around the first gazelle and said, "We'll, I'm satisfied," not imagining they would be hungry again soon.The need for self-control must have come much later, and in other spheres than food. Group living, for example, takes great self-control; it takes a lot to live with people day after day and not kill them, and so those more reflective humans who could keep their anger in check probably did well once humans settled into communities.But that kind of self-control has become so painful in the modern world because there is so much to want, so much to tempt our restraint. We live in busy, complex communities surrounded by desirable goods and fun ideas, and so all day, every day, we hold back. And we see that most everyone else is holding back too. We are hit hard by both our own weary self-control as well as the exhausting empathy we apparently have for everyone else's self-control.It really is too much. It makes perfect sense that we sometimes lose it and eat half, or even a whole, box of cookies in one sitting.

These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends

"And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

Which as they kiss consume"

W.Shakespeare-Romeo & Juliet

K, so my cousin and I were chatting the other day, and she asked me if I have seen the trailer for the movie 2012. Apparently, the world is gonna come to an end in 2012. Good to know, right?!

So, she's telling me about this movie that (and this is great news for us) will show us exactly how we will meet our final demise. FUN!! She tells me that I haaaavvve to watch the trailer. It's so funny because this Dalai Lama looking monk guy is running in the mountains...running like hell, he runs up to this little hut on top of the mountain and starts banging on a gong. As the shot pans over, we basically see an entire ocean of water just coasting like breeze over the mountains. I suppose he's trying to warn the peeps that they're all gonna die. So the water sucks up him and his little hut in all of two seconds.

So, but anyway, my cousin had the funniest thing to say about it. I'll paraphrase because I cannot remember exactly how she put it...here goes..."I just cannot for the life of me understand why this little man is running for Jesus up the mountain to his little hut. What's the point in warning them, they're already dead. If that were me, I would just relax in my final moments and let everybody else find out for themselves."

I thought this was too funny. So, here's the trailer below, see for yourself...

Birds Flew Backwards

What is up? It has been a busy week in FiFi land. Please excuse the randomness as I spew the several recent "events" fer ya!!

Ok...First, I am so extremely sad that my little darling is leaving me. I will miss her sooooooooo much. I want her to to have a safe trip, but I would like it better if she stayed...just kidding...not really...seriously, just kidding...

Second, I have this friend who will remain nameless that seems to have an affinity for turning "straight" girls. Or popping cherries. Yes, I know this is gross, and I use the term "straight" veeeeeerrry loosely. I've heard her calling it fluid recently. It's actually kinda funny/entertaining/slightly disturbing to watch. I never developed a taste for that. Although, I must admit I can see why it's so appealing...albeit the juice may not be worth the squeeze. Ask her...she's the expert. heeheehee

Third, I had the most hilarious "breakup" (if that's what we want to call it) this weekend. Okay so this is the cherry. Ready...? As most of you probably know, I have been "dating" (and again I will use this term veeerrry loosely) this chickita. Not that long, but apparently I am supposed to commit myself fully and open the emotional floodgates to her imediatemente. Collectively, we'll say....um...no...thanks. We are in the early stages of dating...we are supposed to be having fun, and all I keep hearing is that we never spend time alone, we are not getting to that emotional closeness, that higher level of connection that people are "supposed" to acheive RIGHT A-FUCKING-WAY! You can feel my trepidation here, right?

Me being the lovely lady that I am. I try to calm her down, explain that that will come in time, but right now we are still getting to know each other and it is NOT possible to spend every single waking moment together. Uck!!!

So, but anyway, let's get to the ball of fire that erupted this weekend. I was in a bad mood Friday...down....dumps...you get it, right? I told my friend I just wanted us to get wine, order takeout and watch movies. Later on, I was talking with my "friendgirl" (zhat is what we'll call it), cuz she most def was not my girlfriend. Mkay...I told her that I was down...dumps...needed to be alone, didn't want to take crap out on her, blahblahblah, you get it right??? She says, "Oh yeah, I totally understand." Uh huh. So I get to Trader Joes Wineshop and we are picking out the wine and friendgirl calls to see how I'm doing...um...I spoke to her less than an hour ago...I haven't changed. I felt bad for brushing her off and texted to say I was sorry and thank her for her concern. She responds that it's okay and that I really mean a lot to her and she was worried about me. Aww, how sweet, right? Now I can move on to my evening.

Not too long after, she texts again..."What are you up to?"---Um, I told you earlier EXACTLY what I was doing. I didn't respond. Then she calls...I don't answer...then she texts "I just called to hear your voice and say good nite." I didn't respond. Then she texts again "See, this is why I don't get close to people."

At this point I'm pissed! I had asked to be left alone because I was in a pissy mood and NO, she couldn't do that. I called her up and asked what the heck the problem was. So, we talked...which is what us lezzies do best (riiiigggghhhht) and all became well again.

Next day, me and friendgirl were having dinner and going out with my friends. YAY! And it went pretty much swimmingly...we were kisseyface and lovey dovey and la dee da. And so, all my friends got DRUNK and ended up crashing at my place...which meant I had five asses sprawled over my crib. Next morning, everything was fine...I was a little hungover but I was good. My friend and I started to make breakfast for everyone. My friendgirl was sitting in the living room with everybody and when I realized there was not enuf bacon and no syrup for the pancakes, I asked my friend to go to the store and also asked friendgirl to go with her.

Friendgirl gets pissy. She doesn't go to the store and instead sits moping on my bed. So...being sweet as I am...I go calm her down. She tells me about the alone time and the emotional connection and shit...and all I want to do is make breakfast for my full house. Again, I calm her down...for a kinda butch, she is HELLA dramatic. Oh, just wait...you ain't seen nothing yet!

Later, we all decide to head down to the park to play soccer, a Sunday tradition. We're all just walking along...enjoying the sunshine and I notice friendgirl looking kinda funky AGAIN! WTF!?! I had told her earlier that I was getting the feeling like we shouldn't see each other anymore because I wasn't able to give her what she needs, but she backpedaled outta that real quick. Oh nonono, I don't have expectations, blah fucking blah.

And we're walking...up and over the bridge and thirty seconds pass since I look back at her and now I look back...and friendgirl is GONE! Disappeared! Abducted by aliens, who the fuck knows?!? One of my friends said that she had probably gone to hide around the corner and was waiting for me to chase after her...well I didn't. I went and played soccer. NO DRAMA!!!

Later she called, and then the next day she emailed. My main concern at this point is that I won't get the book I lent her back!!!

AND NO...WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed!!

The road always traveled, but usually lied about to keep up appearances...

Memoirs can be tricky. Trying to keep yourself from looking like schmuck, while at the same time keeping the other cast of characters from being one dimensional monsters is a tad daunting. So when someone makes this attempt, they, as well as, all their readers must hope and pray for some creative tact...and a little humor on the side doesn't hurt.

Thank GOD Suzanne Guillette succeeded in this balancing act! Otherwise, I'd be pretty pissed that I picked up this book. Usually I find memoirists to fall into one of two catagories: narcissistic, blame shifters with God complexes or needy, approval seekers with pity me complexes. It is very hard to find one that I like and even remotely relate to.

And once again Thank God Ms. Guillette isn't one of these types, but someone who is able to see the flaws within herself as well as the decisions that she makes that put her into these awkward situations. Much To Your Chagrin is Guillette's first book. It chronicles the time she spent after grad school working on a book titled Oh Shit! And get this twist, Much to Your Chagrin is written in the second person so the reader always feels like she is in the hot seat. So, here's my attempt at summing up the book in Guillette's style...

After school, you decide to write a compilation book of embarassing stories. Stories that range from icky bathroom humor to relationship faux pas. You find an agent who loves the idea and perhaps the idea of getting into your pants. Said agent nurtures your idea until he gets into your pants and then pretty soon thereafter the relationship fizzles. You are not sure if it's his fault or yours. After all, you do have a pretty inked track record of failed (read: you leave a lot of broken hearts behind as you travel along this lonely dusty road called life) relationships. Throughout the story, you collect others embarassing tales, all the while, realizing ever so slowly that your life is filled with these moments as well as a few you don't like to talk about (ie. anxiety, depression, how you see yourself and the world). After what seems an eternity of debaucles you finally realize that you are not necessarily qualified to examine other's embarassment until you fully examine yourself.

Alas, a book about gathering embarrassment, revealing inner embarassment and telling the truth about who she really is to herself as well as the world is what results.

I found myself so tightly wrapped in a few of her stories that I felt as though it was my own personal story being divulged upon the page (and NO! it wasn't the second person narrative). I have lived these moments!

I applaud, commend and almost wanna give her a little hug for turning the pen on herself.

Photo: Simonandschuster.com