Trick Or Treat! Here's Your Eye Candy!!

I think I should be Uh Huh Her's offical photographer...but that's probably jus 'cuz I wanna hang with 'em. No but seriously...I think I did a preeeetttyy good job. Enjoy these sexy ladies...I sure did!

Mysterious, alluring Mz. Leisha Hailey

Uh Huh HOT!

Can you say YUMMY?

Sing to me Leisha!

Lose something? Actually this is a pic (not that good) of the sparkly stuff on her eye.

Um...she is very very sexy in person!! And we hear she's dating Clea Duvall...but don't quote me on that. It's heresay sort of maybe.

She's so into it...so filled with soul...ahhh!

And I LOVE her bangs!!! I am jealous of her bangs!

Have I mentioned I love Leisha!!!!!!!!!?????????? Well, I do!!!

Okay, ladies and gents there you have it. I am very very very very very excited for tonight. I have quite a lot of prep to do (hair, makeup, eyelashes, etc etc)...this is gonna be sooooooo much fun!

Happy Halloween PEEPS!!! See ya when I'm sober!

Uh Huh, Honey

FiFi sorta kinda maybe got into a fight last night. You remember that I went to the Uh Huh Her concert last night right? So, I have two funny stories to tell. One of my friends forgot her passport, and you had to show ID to get a wristband if you wanted to drink. The cocktail waitress brought us all our first round, no problem. My friend and I went up to the bar to get a drink a little later. We got the drinks and were walking back when this crazy security guy starts coming after my friend saying "Where is your wristband?" over and over like he had Turrets or something. She said the beer was for our friend (which it actually was) but he made her wait for the manager and proceeded to say "Let's wait for the manager" a la Turrets again. I went and got another friend to say that it was HER drink, but the guy was nuts. So, the manager came, took one look at the situation, knew instantly that my friend was DEFINITELY over the age of 21 and let us go. Stupid ass security guard knew we were all lesbians at that concert and wasn't gonna get any action so he had to take out his frustrations on us. Can we all say DICK?

And then...those sexy Uh Huh Her ladies came on stage (pictures to follow). We were right in the front, and this girl started pushing her way up and up and up, terrorizing peeps as she went. By the time she got to me, several people wanted to knock her block off. The girl next to me turns to me and says "We hafta hold her back." Which we did...until she crawled around behind me, nearly pulling me to the ground in the process. She tried to push her way in front of us, but I politely elbowed her in the gut and held her back. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing on me until I couldn't stand it. I turned to her and asked her to PLEASE STOP FUCKING TOUCHING ME. Needless to say the stupid deaf moron bitch didn't understand. She KEPT doing it. Which of course made me more angry. Finally, I turned to her and said IF YOU DO NOT STOP PUSHING ME I AM GOING TO GET SECURITY. She told me to fuck off. I waved over the security guy, told him the situation, and he promply removed her. Hope you enjoyed the concert from the way back you IDIOT!! I truly believe that I would've genuinely enjoyed gouging her eyes out and shoving them into her nostrils, however, I wanted to see Uh Huh Her so I took the high road.

Stupid redhead moron cunt bitch obviously doesn't read my blog...or she would have known NOT TO FUCK WITH FIFI! Just to clarify, there's nothing wrong with redheds...but I really wanted to grab ahold of it and yank like hell. heehee

So...dudes...Halloween is TOMORROW! Yippee! I am ready, leaving work early to get all done up. The hair is a process. PS...I got the sexiest WHITE hat to go with my costume. I look like the Godfatheress. I can't wait. Last year, I didn't really get to celebrate so I'm going all out this year.

Lata gatas!!!

Don't Walk Away

I wanna explode

watch me

Im a lucky girl

see I

I like you

So wont you pay if you wanna go down

I love to watch you, honey

You need me, so lets see

What do you care, if you want to

just pay if you wanna go

Ahhh...the lovely lyrics of Uh Huh Her. So, I get to see them TONIGHT---LIVE. Yeah. I know you're jealous. If you love Leisha Hailey as much as I do...you will understand why my goal is gonna be to rush the stage and make out with her. Alas, I have a feeling I'll be making out with security instead.

You should see my gmail...dudes...there are 500 messages about whether or not Clea Duvall is dating the lead singer.....yes...no...yes...who is clea?...she's girly...she's butch...how can you be a lesbian and not know clea...and now something or other about sex for beer. I went to get lunch and came back to that last one...don't know how the convo went downhill sooooo fast.

I believe that, yes, they are dating. Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter, especially in light of the more important issues we are facing...ie...the presidential election.

So yeah...I wanna EXPLODE. Allow me to tell you why. I just got off the phone with my mother. I asked her who she's voting for. And yes, she said McCain. I agreed that I wouldn't harass her about her decision, but when she attacked me about Obama...I fired back some pretty nasty comments to her. And then she said something...that if I was in the same state as her right now...I would have given her a swirley...I mean fucking dunked her head in a toilet bowl and flushed like 40 times. Here's what she said...you be the judge of whether or not I'm justified. "I think Osama Bin Laden is backing Obama's campaign. He's a terrorist, you know?" I can betcha that you're all nodding that yes indeed I'm justified.

Sometimes, I just cannot believe that I came out of my mother. But I can certainly see the devastating effects of what a sheltered life can do to you. Oh well, I think Obama will win, and when he does I'm gonna do a hula hokey pokey funky chicken polka square dance around my mother for at least 45 minutes. Anyone wanna join me? haha.

Peace. Did I mention I'm gonna see Uh Huh Her tonight? *sticks out tongue* nahnahnahnahbooboo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burlesque. Half Naked Women. Flying Through The Air.

Need I say more. We can all just assume that FiFi's Saturday night was...well....Frickin HOT!!!

We'll get to that later. Haha...I like to build suspense. My Friday evening was not nearly as interesting as Saturday, but it was LOVELY none the less. I haven't told you...I don't think...that I've been watching the TWIN PEAKS tv series on Netflix. You know the one...that my very very favorite David Lynch created. So, I'm almost there...almost finished...which makes me weepy...'cuz it's sososososososo good. If you don't like Lynch you are a loser, in my humble but absolutely correct opinion. So, Friday was relaxing and just absolutely perfect. I haven't spent a Friday night at home in ages, centuries even. I want more of them. They are precious.

On Saturday, I wrote some. Actually, in the last couple days I've written another 10 pages for the book. So, that's 23 now...I think...maybe more. It's coming along oh so wonderfully. In fact, Saturday night, just before I was leaving to go out I was tap tap taping away on my laptop...I almost forgot I had to go somewhere. I could've kept writing for I don't know how long...but it would've probably been super long. Alas, the half naked ladies were waiting for me.. *wink wink*.

I had a lovely sushi dinner beforehand and trekked in rain, sleet, and typhoon uphill both ways to get to these ladies. On to the show...It was well, half naked women in sexy lingerie. I mean HOT! It was an aerial burlesque show (basically Cirque du Soleil with hot women, not tiny Chinese peeps). They were on trapezes, those silks that they climb up and then swirly whirly down on. It was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. Say it with me. So great. Thanks to one of my buddies for suggesting it. It most certainly was a fabulous lezzie group activity. All five of us fell in love with the same girl. She had a hot pink mohawk! I think it was her attitude and the way she carried herself. I think we all had some especially sweet dreams that night.

Even though this show didn't let out 'til nearly 3am, I was up bright and early at noon on Sunday. It was time to make that ass long and inconvenient trip to pick up my painted vase...and dah dah duh Ikea which is nastily far out of the way. I had God on my side transportation wise. Didn't hafa wait...always perfectly in sync. Yay! So, I got my pot (which is so darling, I love my artistic side...and I have requests to paint some pots for other peeps). Then it was off to Ikea. I had to pick up picture frames...like 25 picture frames. They were just those clip frames so I thought I can handle this alone (I didn't really want anyone to go with me, but I should've accepted the help I was offered.) So...but anyway...the frames weighed about 5 million pounds and 3 ounces. I had to carry them home through hell and high water with great train luck though. My shoulder still hurts.

Then I had to frame....25 pics...and hang 23...two were gifts. This was a whole day project. But, as I said before my apartment looks like an art gallery. I will have to schedule an opening to exhibit my photos. Ah...well...I'm having a party in a week so they'll get to see them then.

Back to the grind...later!

Fcuk me...I need to get a PLANNER!!

Suddenly my social calendar went up in flames this past month...so bad..in fact that I am going to really need to start putting down the events that I've committed to down on paper. I sort of by accident keep double booking myself. Oh...to have my problems. I'm not bragging or anything...but I am at a huge advantage. Lose a psycho gain a social life and have fun again....Weeeeee!!!

Zee costume is FABULOUS!! So cute...so HOT actually...I look sexy but not whorish--YAY-- exactly what I was going for (even with the fishnets)! I did a hair test last night...trying to figure out how much mousse I would need to hold my hair in a 40s pinned back style for the evening. Yeah, so it's basically gonna be an entire can. Oh well, I have to look my best.

Speaking of looking my best, one of my bosses who I rarely see anymore flattered/embarrassed/creeped me out yesterday. He came up to me and he says "FiFi, have you been working out, changed your hair, you look great?!" Why yes Mr. Bossman I have been working out, changed my hair and I also am single again...so that last part is what is making me glow I'm sure. The happiness adds beauty and youth and vitality to my face...hahahaha!!! I couldn't really say that last part 'cuz I'm sorta kinda sure that he doesn't know I eat you know what...heehee!

And on even happier news, I've shown the first 15 pages of the book to some peeps. One comment was "After four pages, I have decided it will be a National best seller." I've gotten several "Hot damns!" "Fantastics!" and "Brilliant and amazing!" So FiFi has some talent...or so she's been told.

Dudes...I feel like I'm bragging today...ugh...I'm not trying to...please don't think I could ever be like that...it's just that everything's working out so well...I just want to share.

I would tell you all about the REBOUND story, and about some peoples theories they have about me and the rebound person...but I don't feel like it. It's too good of a day, and it's Friday! YAY!

Have a great weekend PEEPS!!! Peace!

FiFi Got Up On The Wrong Side Of The Ball Gag This Morning...

Avoid her, if you can!!!

I completely know why I'm so pissy today, but I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say it has to to with something going on inside my head. Sorry for being so mysterious...

In my honest opinion if you try beating around the bush and that doesn't seem to be working...or you just get tired of beating around the bush, the best thing you can do is to set the bush on fire. It forces a reaction. It can work in your favor or it can explode in your face. However, if you are dead set on an answer (beware, it may not be the truthful answer, but a rushed one, one not thought out properly) a bush fire is a sure bet. It would be your decision to allow a take back if the person tries to back pedal in some way when they've grasped the concept and gravity of their decision. Okie Dokie...that said...let's move on.

...to...Halloween Costumes!!! YAY!! So excited!!! Dudes, I need to get me a costume. Stat! Blog is early today 'cuz I've gotta go find something. The day of the dead is only a week away. I found this sexy gangster girl costume online. Say a prayer for me that they have it in the store, and that I don't look like an asshole in it. Don't worry, it's tasteful sexy...not whore sexy. Well, is whore sexy or just trashy. Who knows?!? I, for the record, do not want to look like a whore...no matter if it's Halloween or Hanukah. So this costume is a 40s gangster girlie dress. I want to get a sexy fedora and little pistol to tuck in my belt. I want to curl my hair up and pin it back and put on my favorite red lipstick. I think it'll be super cute.

Later peeps!!

I don't know whether to cry or CUM!!

Been working on the novel a lot lately. It's so great to have a writing partner that I'm accountable to. It means I actually have to write now. Whereas before, I stopped writing for about a year. So, it's good to be back.

The novel. It's been a lot of fun to write. Sort of. But there's this thing that keeps happening to me. I'm writing and writing and everything's hunkydory and then BOOM!!!! I start crying, and when I say crying, I mean fucking wailing. It's an uncontrollable reaction which goes on for about a minute or two, and then I bust out laughing. I feel like such a nutball. I get so upset, and then I crack myself up with how upset I've gotten. It's truly a surreal experience. I assume that this is what's gonna happen throughout this whole process. Although, I pray not.

On a happier note, I used to be really timid about writing and sharing graphic love scenes. It made me feel silly and creeped out and having people read something extra special dirty that I've written is a pretty fucked up experience (at least in my virgin eyes, YEAH RIGHT). The novel is based on real life...my real life...so I am now writing one of quite a few exceedingly graphic sex scenes. And I'm totally loving it!!! Loving it more than I can tell you. The only thing that freaks me out is that my mother may some day read it...but knowing that some of my friends have read it is quite an exhilarating experience. It's not bothering me that everybody knows that it's me (THE REAL ME) partaking in these depraved acts. Well, everybody knew I was a naughty girl before so I guess it's not that shocking for them, but the precise detail, I'm not so sure how that's gonna go down.

I know I know I know...you are all saying, FiFi, we all wanna read your dirty smut writing. All I can say to that is I'll think about it. If I deem it acceptable and feel that you will all be able to handle it, you may be lucky enough to see a posting in the near future. We shall see. Keep checking though.

You're an exception to the rule...You're a bonafide rarity

"So come outside and walk with me

We'll try each other on to see if we fit

And with our roots, become a tree

To shade what we make, under it"

~~Southern Girl, INCUBUS

Decision has been made. I think I made the right one. The psychic told me that I could continue with the relationship...work hard...and it would be fine. A lovely relationship. Or I can stop it...move forward...and it would be fine. The decision was mine. I don't want to work hard. I don't want to work at all. I DO NOT want to babyshit someone. I am not a mother.

The New Plan of Action. FiFi says Fuck off to relationships! The Goal---I am going to make it my business to fuck ten girls before I get into another relationship. Ten different girls. Thank God I've started to take quite a liking to femmes 'cuz I'm not sure if there are ten good butches left in NYC. It seems that I like the extremes. I like no make up at all or red lipstick. Simple?? We shall see.

So, starting now, hunting season is officially on. I have been doing A LOT of very bold things lately. It's time to up the anti. Call me FiFi Kinney (if you don't get that reference, you suck). I'm so sorry baby, but you snooze you lose. If you act like a nut, you lose too. I don't run a mental ward no matter what you've heard!!!

Hold on to yer panties Ladies...FiFi, the tornado, is coming through. Hahaha. And I want everyone to know that I'm completely and totally serious about this. I don't care what my mommies and daddies think. FiFi is a big girl. It's time she adds a few notches to her bedpost. *evil grin*

Oh and P.S...I am just gonna publicly acknowledge that I promise not to blame a certain friend of mine for any situation that has the potential to go awry. I said it was her fault when I accidentally fucked someone because she left me alone with this person at the bar (and said person would not leave me alone).

Oopsiedaisie!!

Five words..."I really like you, but..."

So, my bff has this feature on her voicemail where the messages are transcribed and emailed to her. So, when I called her yesterday here's what she got...

"Hey, It's me. I just wanna call you and tell you about how I ran into (BLANK and Kace?). (Well ,I didn't run into her?). She, like touching me when she was leaving and I don't even know how long, she was like in that room for and watching me, like dancing and I was like so trashed, everybody had, oh yeah, so we said like, (I said I like jug in texases?). (Like, and she was just funny and it was like a mess?), anyway, oh yeah, so that was lovely, anyway, alright, bye."

I know who the first name aka BLANK was but Kace...I think they meant Cattyshack. And the other indiscernable point "jug in texases?" translates to "sent text messages."

So, now that we've cleared up that...let me just explain what the fuck happened. But first, let me say, I saw the movie RELIGILOUS Friday night. It was so hilarious. Go see it. The homosexuality part is too funny. Bill you rock! Not as much as Michael Moore, but you still rock!

And then on Saturday...dah dah duh. Yes, it was 99% FABULOUS, 1% OH SHIT! One of my friends had an amazing dinner party that evening. The food was wonderful. The wine was dangerous. The drinking game that involved Vodka was lethal. We can just say that FiFi and company were loaded by the time they left the apartment. By the grace of God, we arrived at Cattyshack unscathed (ie...no one was clipped by oncoming traffic).

Imagine, I think, it was 8 drunk people taking over the upstairs dancefloor. Ah, it was blissful. I dirty danced my little heart out. I straddled and gave my gay boyfriend one of the world's best lapdances eva!!! I explained the "SHOCKER" to the gay boys. This is icky but in case you don't know what that is, it's...wait for it...ready..."Two in the pink, one in the stink, and one to rub the bean." Well, look at me. I'm Yoda right?? I was all over the place and having such a BLAST! Enter drama stage left.

So, I like this girl. It's complicated. At one point, when I'm coming back from the bar, someone grabs my arm and squeezes. I turn to my friend...uh...someone touched me. I look around and spot someone in a hat walking away. By the time I realize who it was, she's already at the door heading downstairs. I'm not in a chasing mood, so I text her asking if she just touched me. And she responds...And you just ignored me right? WTF!!??!! Ignored. Really? You touch me and walk away and I ignored you. Whatever happened to HI! HOW ARE YOU? Huh? So, we fire off back and forth, and I don't really understand the hostility. Until I realize, OH SHIT! I'm pretty sure she was a captive audience to my provacative drunkness on the dancefloor. I forgot to add that I was wearing a halter top...a sexy halter top...a lowcut halter top...where one of several comments during the course of the night was "Wow! You are dressed to kill. What are you looking for?"

Okay. So maybe, I was just a little sexy or something or other. Big deal. I was using my sexiness on a GAY MAN. A gay man?!? That doesn't count. Right? One of my friends cracked a joke about how her major problem was most likely that she wanted the lapdance. I would have gladly given it...she didn't ask. Oh well, I haven't been completely honest with her. In order to save face, I've not explained how the last year of my life was total and utter hell. I never told her that all of my friends see me as a NEW person. Happy. Smiling. Laughing. Fun Fun Fun. Fun FiFi. And so, yes, I have been living it up recently. Having a lot of fun and craziness and wildness in order to make up for a miserable year. So, big fucking deal. I suppose that explaining that would have made some things that she may have seen clearer.

We can all just say a collective YIKES!!! and move on now. I truly love my friend's photo album depicting the downfall of the evening. I'm pretty sure FiFi doesn't owe anybody any explanations.

FIVE!

Five fucking words! I had five words to say. At any moment, I'm positive I could have said them to her. However, at every moment, my mouth seemed to be wired shut.

FiFi = Chicken

I speak the english language, right? I can form separate words into a sentence. I know subject and verb and noun and pronoun and adjective and adverb and participle and gerund and preposition. And period, comma, question mark, exclamation point.

Ah, an exclaimation point would go nicely at the end of the sentence I have for her. She scares me. I am afraid of her for some reason. Most likely, I don't want to get hurt. More than likely, I will not get hurt. Absolutely, I am holding myself back by not saying what I want to say. She is different, painfully different. Her style and form aggravates and excites me. And yes, I am going slow! I swear to God. Will I rush it? Who knows? Who cares, right? What is meant to be will be...and I know what is meant to be since I am enamoured with having my future predicted and laid out before me. So, why the fear? Fuck the fear. It's time to test the theory.

Okay, now that I've worked that out. Peace, finally! Geesh! Is it 5:00 yet?

Why is it that I get a British accent every time I say this word?

Automythography--an alternative to a memoir or autobiography.

This is what I've started working on now. There are some people that believe that certain events in my life would work very well in a book and for obvious reasons character's names and likenesses must be changed. I would like to add the disclaimer in the book---Names have been changed to protect the guilty. Hahaha!

This genre is hard. I was introduced to this word by my writing partner. It's the genre of Augustin Burroughs (whom I love). It's taking what you already know (the truth) and turning it around into a type of fiction. Keeping the story intact, while taking away backgrounds, features, settings, superbly sucks. I have had a tad bit of help re-working the story...and as a result of this several peeps in my circle are demanding their own dedication page at the front of the book. They actually believe that I will be able to get this thing published. We shall see, I suppose.

Writing what you know is maybe the best and most recommended form of writing. For me, it's kinda hard. I have to basically re-live events from my past as I play them out of my mind and onto the page. So, this is what I've been doing. So far, what I've written is totally and completely hilarious...i think...anyway. My writing partner will be checking it out soon enough...so we can just wait and see. I'll letcha know.

So, but yeah...back to the more important point at hand. I can totally not figure out why the frig every time I say the word it comes out in a British accent. It's sooo weird. If you know me though, you know I do one hell of a BA. Toodahloo!

You Missed A Spot

I'm sure if you've been reading that you know that lil Miss FiFi has been going NON STOP for a significant amount of time now. Finally and I mean seriously FINALLY DUDE, I have been demanding some alone time. It's only an evening or two here and there, yet I've got them ALL to myself. I've been terribly productive on my free nights. I've been exercising, writing, cleaning etc etc. Above all, I have been sitting on my couch enjoying the silence. It's so quiet. Peaceful. Zen. I can do, say (not really that much into talking to myself, but I can if I want to), think whatever I want. I can watch, read, listen to whatever I want. It's up to me. The decisions are all mine.

I have been noticing that all of my friends have been demanding decisions out of me. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do? You pick. They say. And this mortifies the living shit out of me because I hadn't been making a lot of decisions before now. I am very laid back and go with the flow, but it became a constant complacancy. So, they are pushing me out. Not letting me off easy at all. (You guys suck!) I have been having to deal with loads of shit that I fear. I have been put in quite a few situations that give me butterflies and make me sweat. And, I suppose, SUPPOSE, that's a good thing. It is getting easier. ~~~So, this was just a random rant about my inner peace.

***I hafta give a shout out to my dear co-worker. She is the truthteller. Honesty is her policy. And I love her for it. Even though I may want to punch her in the face (maybe because I see her face sooo often). And just so everybody knows, she is wwwaaaayyyy hotter that the other girl. Ya know what I mean?!?

Turn Her Over...She's Done On This Side

Sooo...where to begin. My weekend. I guess I'll start with Friday night. Duh.

I went to my friend's apartment for a drink before going out. A drink turned into basically getting drunk and not leaving her house 'til 11pm. We were going to the I heart brooklyn girls party at Southpaw, and when we got there the line was down the block. Ewww! Plan B. Let's get drinks somewhere else and then come back in a little bit. Good plan right? Uhh...sure...so...I decided that I wouldn't go to Cattyshack that evening in the offchance that I would run into my ex. I had a weird feeling. So, we decided to go to Gingers, the other lezzie bar. There we were, sitting at Gingers having a lovely time when...get ready for it...are you ready...you sure???...okay then...My exes new woman, followed by my ex, followed by some other peeps rolled in from out in the back garden. They walked straight past us and out the front door (I don't think she noticed us). Well, I didn't have any of the reactions that I thought may happen when this day came. I did get upset but not that bad. I took a good look at the girl, and it was basically summed up that she is a fugly, slightly skinnier and much older looking version of me. I had thought that when my friends told me she was not attractive they were trying to protect my feelings...alas they weren't. So, thank God my self esteem wasn't shot again. I actually laughed about it and now don't care if I see her. Tah Dah!!!

Let's roll on to Saturday night. I re-visited the psychic. It had been three months since my last visit. Get ready for it...she didn't recognize me...so I could put her to the test. I sat down and waited calmly for her to tell me the exact opposite information that she told me three months ago...proving she's a fake...and that all my theories were bogus. So...that didn't happen. She told me all the same stuff about myself, about my job, about my life as before. However, she didn't mention my breakup. At the end when she asked me for questions I came clean that I had been there before. After the discussion, she told me some things, some very INTERESTING new things. She also told me that ALL my theories were correct. Hmmm...so...betcha wanna know what they are dontcha?? Well, I'm keeping them to myself until they start coming true. So, we'll see.

Following the psychic, we went to this mechanical bull riding place, Johnny Utah's. We met some friends and had a blast. I DID NOT RIDE THE BULL! Yes, FiFi chickened out. After I saw the violence with which the dude controlling it ejected the guy on the bull, I decided I'd rather keep my teeth, arms, legs, etc. .. you get the point. So, no bull riding meant that I was able to fall in love with my first femme. If you know me, your brain has stopped just as all my other friends who were with me. Fifi and femmes don't go together. Well, you're wrong. I told my friends that I would write a story up about all this...however I'm sorry guys, I'm not gonna do it. It really freaks me out to have dirty sex stories on my blog. I want people to think better of me.

And then on Sunday night (I should interject here that on Saturday day and Sunday day I spent a significant amount of time recovering from the nights before) I went to my friend's apartment to see THE ITTY BITTY TITTY COMMITTEE. It was so good, and moreover, so great that I got to see it surrounded by my friends. Me loves my friends!!

Zhere you go! Hope you enjoyed it!

Um...okay...maybe I hafta move...yo

So, last night I'm sleeping like a baby off in dream world picking out rings for something (looked like wedding bands...hmmm) when all of a sudden I sit straight up in my bed to---POW!...POWPOWPOW!!! Screaming. Crying. Yelling. I lie there scared shitless...ha...probably cuz I shit my self when the gunshots were fired. I kid I kid. No but seriously, I was awake for a little while...but I think I must've fallen back to sleep before the sirens...who knows?!? Yeah. I'm scared.

I tend to come home late sometimes. Alone sometimes. So this was at four in the morning and on Friday I rolled in at 3AM. I'm not sure how I feel about this...

ps...i looked up my dream interpretation...here 'tis

To dream that you receive a ring, denotes that your suspicions and worries over you lover will end. You will come to realize that she is true to her heart and will devote herself to your interest.

On a lighter note, I had a fabulous weekend. Lots to tell. Not the time right now. There is one thing I'm not sure I want to share, but I'll think about it. Just something to whet your whistle...I heart Brooklyn Girls...wine...Trip back to the psychic... David Lynch...lesbians...mechanical bull...falling for a femme (yes me...hahaha)...itty bitty titties...and more wine...and more beer....heehee...

I was reading Go Mag yesterday and stumbled upon this. It cracked me up considering this is exactly how my girlfriend handled our situation when we broke up... Can you say "mental illness that will seriously fuck you up?" Lesson learned: Something to look forward to when fucking random girls to hurt your girlfriend!!


Dear Darcy:

A year ago I noticed a pimple in my bikini area but because of where it was located, I just figured it was from shaving. After a month I decided to have it checked out by a doctor and the doctor told me it was genital herpes. Over the last year the herpes came back a bunch of times so my doctor put me on medication to stop breakouts from happening , so here's my big question: I caught the herpes from a girl I met at a bar one night when my girlfriend and I were in a fight. Do you think I have to tell her if I'm on medication to make sure I won't get any more herpes?


Answer:
Did you say you had one question or numerous questions? Based on your email, I'm guessing that your areas of confusion are not as obvious to you as they are to me. Let's start with the one that screams the loudest to me: Your girlfriend and you had a fight, and your coping skill of choice was to hook up with a complete stranger who, lucky for you, only gave you herpes—and your question is whether you have an ethical obligation to disclose your STD to your girlfriend? The short answer is yes, you most definitely are obligated to tell her that you have herpes so that she can make an informed decision regarding the health risks she's willing to take. Moreover, you are obligated to inform everyone you've been with since contracting herpes, and that includes individuals whose timing in your life places them in the “I'm not sure” category.



Regardless of what suppression medication you're on (the “no more breakouts” meds), and even if you've had no further outbreaks since beginning your medication regime, you can still infect partners. Herpes is a virus, one that can exist without visual symptoms, and unless your partners are aware of your medical condition and have consented to having unprotected sex, you should familiarize yourself with female prophylaxis (like dental dams and latex gloves) and use them every time you have sexual contact with a partner. Meanwhile, have a look at the Department of Health and Human Services’ Center for Disease Control and Prevention Web site (cdc.gov/std) and educate yourself about STD's and their transmission.



Dr. Darcy Smith received her Masters degree from Columbia University and her Ph.D. from New York University. She has been a practicing social worker for over 10 years and is in private practice in both New York City and New Jersey.



~~Go Magazine October 2008

It's Like An - I Got Slapped In The Butt By A Cloud - Kind Of OUCH!!

I always feel like such a nerd these days...always with a smile...usually laughing. People that know me...think I'm a nerd. It's okay...you can admit it... you know...that i know... that you know.

I did a 180 degree spin so fast I'm seeing everything as a blur of colors. I laugh for no apparant reason. I'm sure people think I'm nuts. But they don't know what I am thinking... if they did they would laugh too. I'm driving through the yellow lights...never stopping these days. Never. Everything has meaning in it. A song. A look. A smile. A laundry bag. Everything.

I feel as though I am a child in a world filled with wonder and excitement...I cannot look at something long because there is always something else shinier...over there...and over there...and ooh...look at that. Ahhh...pretty. I describe myself as disgustingly happy. I got a very interesting reaction to that one...but in the end she admitted it must be good.

My friends say the funniest things. Maybe I would have been upset before...but now it's like my own comedy show.

I feel sooo good... Here is a song that sorta demonstrates this...

Birds flying high You know how I feel Sun in the sky You know how I feel Reeds driftin' on by You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good Fish in the sea You know how I feel River running free You know how I feel Blossom in the tree You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean And this old world is a new world And a bold world For me Stars when you shine You know how I feel Scent of the pine You know how I feel Yeah freedom is mine And I know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good

The Funniest Shit I've Heard All Day

...slow is good. I know you don't understand the meaning of slow, b/c (BLANK) was like a Ferrari with a U-Haul attached to it. But slow is not a bad thing. ~~My BFF said this in a fucking hilarious email today!!!

Among many many many other pearls of wisdom and insight...but...this was my favorite.

Yes, I'm still harping on the word SLOW. And despite the overwhelming statistic that 98% of peeps go this route, my wheels are spinning ready to shoot forth. To meet someone who is the antithesis of everything I know scares the fuck out of me.

Hold yer horses, I guess.

So...I'll give you a brief rundown of last weekend...HIGHLIGHTS only!
1. Went to a birthday party in the Bronx. Never been to the Bronx. It's okay...the apartment was huge. We had fun and it took a fucking long ass time to get home.
2. Painted pottery. A really cool "envelope" vase. I cannot wait to pick it up...'tis sooo exciting.
3. Slumber party. It was great. Drank my ass off. Handcuffed myself to peeps...yes there are pics...no you can't see them. Hancuffed peeps to my bed...ditto to this one. Saw some boobie action! Stayed up 'til 4:30AM...yikes... Sunday killed me...I was dead 'til we went for dinner that night.
4. Other things that I maybe forget or don't wanna tell ya.

Peace muthas!

Sssllllooooowwwww....

I will have more later about my first footsteps on Bronx soil and the slumber party (yes, I said slumber party).

Slow - requiring or taking a long time for growing, changing, or occurring; gradual

Yeah...so that's the word. And yeah. It's kinda hard to learn the meaning of that word. For me at least. Unfortunately, I have to re-learn the healthy way to be in a relationship. But...and you will laugh at this...I want to take it slow, and then I get pissed as all hell that it's going so slow. The person upstairs is watching out though and making sure when I need to slow down a brick wall goes up in front of me. It hurts. But it's definitely making me learn. Dear Lord, let me please have as much patience as she seems to have.

...But here is a song I heard this morning that made me think of someone. I know she likes it. *smiles*

"Show me how you do that trick The one that makes me scream" she said "The one that makes me laugh" she said And threw her arms around my neck "Show me how you do it And I promise you I promise that I'll run away with you I'll run away with you" Spinning on that dizzy edge I kissed her face and kissed her head And dreamed of all the different ways I had To make her glow "Why are you so far away?" she said "Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you That I'm in love with you" You Soft and only You Lost and lonely You Strange as angels Dancing in the deepest oceans Twisting in the water You're just like a dream Daylight licked me into shape I must have been asleep for days And moving lips to breathe her name I opened up my eyes And found myself alone alone Alone above a raging sea That stole the only girl I loved And drowned her deep inside of me~~ The Cure-Just Like Heaven

Nucular...WTF??? C'mon Bitch!!

Ok...I finally crashed last night...put my foot down and promised myself an evening fused to my couch. It was completely necessary because I was kinda exhausted and also because I was dying to see the VP debate.

One of my ex boyfriends who lives near me came to watch and thus the evening turned into a ridiculous, raucous and rowdy re-enactment of Biden vs. Palin. With me as Biden and him as Palin. And needless to say...there was significant pissing in the pantalones!!!

To see him mimic Palin's "Nucular" (okay...she said this a bigillion times. Haven't we made fun of Bush enough for this for everyone in the world to have figured out how to pronounce it correctly by now...HUH??? Palin...get with the program.) Also "Say it ain't so Joe" and "Doggonit!!!" was the highlight of my week, month, maybe year. And the text messages were flying from all over the country with commentary and hilarious opinions of those cwazy VPs. Obviously, Biden won in my book. And he was such a sweetheart for not ripping out Palin's asshole and hanging it around her neck. Aww Joe! We love you!!!

The Girl from Ipanema...

You know the tune...that's what I'm humming for some unknown reason.

I'm not in a talking mood today... I feel like one of those giggly schoolgirls on cloud 9. People at work are actually pissed/jealous that I haven't stopped smiling and being all sunshiny for this whooooolllee week. To that I say "Ba dee ba dee bee Piss off Lou!"

My dearest one...thanks for the dedication. Here 'tis in its entirety...

Better than watching Gellar bending silver spoons.

Better than witnessing new born nebulaes in bloom.

She who sees from 'up-high' smiles and surely sings.

Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and it gives you wings.

I haven't felt the way I feel today

in so long it's hard for me to specify.

I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb...

pins and needles,

nice to know you,

goodbye!

Deeper than the deepest Cousteau would ever go.

And higher than the heights of what we often think we know.

Blessed she who clearly sees the wood for the trees.

To obtain a 'bird's eye' is to turn a blizzard into a breeze.

I haven't felt the way I feel today

in so long it's hard for me to specify.

I'm beginning to notice how much this feels like a waking limb...

pins and needles,

nice to know you...

goodbye!

So could it be that it has been there all along?

Incubus-Nice to Know You

I Gotta Go See About A Girl

---I ALWAYS wanted to use that line. It's from GOOD WILL HUNTING. Matt Damon's character leaves behind this note when he goes after Minnie Driver.

It seems appropriate. I feel like I fell into the hole of fate and destiny, and now I have to see this thing through. I cannot explain how the dominos fell so perfectly that led me to this point, but everything clicked exactly into place, happened exactly the way that I wanted/needed. If I were to control the events myself, they would have taken place exactly as they have. That's why half of me is excited and the other half is afraid. But I've been learning a lot about fear and how it cripples---and I've been nervous about the outcome every single time in these last few days, weeks...and every single time it outcomes perfectly :-)

The struggle of loss is necessary. I am sad for a couple of my friends. I always thought they were better off breaking up and then one leaving the country. No run ins...no messy encounters to deal with. But, as I see it unfolding...the geographic distance doesn't cure the pain as well as the emotional distance. I love these two very much, and they loved each other very much. Despite the fact that I thought that we had the same relationships, I can see clear as day that their relationship was very very different from mine.

Hence, the geographic distance does not make it a single bit easier for them to move on. Emotionally, they are still at least within the same state boundaries. I struggle between hatred and gratitude at the bolt of lightning that struck me apart from my ex. This is what was supposed to happen. And every now and then I feel a twinge of pain or a shot of anger....but I smile everyday. I laugh everyday. I am happy everyday. There is a noticeable change in me. And it makes me giggle everytime I think of that phrase "It's not you, it's me." In my case, it's exactly the opposite "It's not me, it's you."

I am grateful for the fact that there is nothing to miss. That every good memory that pops into my head gets killed instantaneously by the last image I have of her at that bar. That any positive thought of longing for her is murdered, dead and gone. And my mind is set at "I regret that this happened, I hate that I wasted an entire year of my life, but I'm a better, more whole person because of it." My theory is that the Higher Power knew that I needed to learn a lot of lessons...so he gave them to me all at once and screwed an entire year of my life...so that I will never have to go through this again.

I know that the positive, good and kind person is standing on my doorstep. I just have to lock the fear in the closet and open the door.