This One's For The Straight Folks

Okay okay okay. I have had enough with the questions. The questions that start...How come if you used to be straight....But you used to sleep with men...why women...do you hate men...what's the difference...but you like boyish girls...and so on and so forth...

Yes...the Fif-meister used to do all the things good little bad girls do with the boys. I have had teenage romances...college flings...marriage proposals...one night stands...and some other very weird things that I won't get into...and yes, I'm aware that you would kill to know. And I can preeeeetttyyy much guarantee you that all of the things that girls and boys do together I have done...once...twice...fifty times. I think I may have been living under the delusion that lots of sex with men would keep me "straightened" out. Alas...I should also report that in my lifetime there have been three ladies. While that is considerably less than the more than two handfuls of gentlemen that have passed through the revolving door, it proves a point that maybe quality does bode a lil better than quantity.

I could tell you some stories...ones that begin... This one time I was really drunk and got into a shower with a naked guy...OR...I had two options-get married or be single...OR... Come and live with me in my huge house in LA...OR... So...yeah...my friends are swingers wanna try?...or... There was this married guy, but I didn't find out he was married til it was too late...

But you get the idea right? So, I won't go into details. I am the way I am. I like what I like. And whatever that happens to be, everybody needs to go on and accept it already. That was FiFi in the past tense. Now is the present. Things change.

Around The Block

The Rudeness of Strangers

I went to THE SHINING outdoor cinema under the Brooklyn Bridge. Basically the idea for these movie things is that you get there early...score a sweet spot on the grass and eat/chill/drink til the movie starts. All was absolutely splendid. I mingled with our surrounding peeps. And then finally it was dark enough for the movie to start.

These two girls that were sitting beside/a little forward of us just got up and left. Meanwhile, they had sat there for like sixteen hours hoarding their spot (only to get up as soon as the movie starts...oh well...we'll talk about the weirdness of strangers another time). Before the turf got cold, a pack of seven hipsters took up residence there. Yes, you heard me right. Seven hipster asses replaced to normal peeps asses.

So, this awesome bikerish guy (who coincidentally was funny as shit...although not as funny as your dear FiFi) and his woman were totally blocked by the asshole hipster's bobble heads. At this point, the biker guy gets pissed and starts cursing how he can't fucking see and blah blah blah. The hipsters could not give less of a shit. I am pretty sure that he started throwing lit matches at them...but not 100% on this. In my personal opinion watching the hipsters dodge flames would've definitely been better than the movie.

So the main hipster bitch starts complaining about ruining her silk dress. ---Let's pause for a sec...who the h-e-double hockey stix where's a silk dress to sit on the grass.--- Biker then says he doesn't give a shit about the dress. Later, after the banter was no more, I looked back and noticed that the biker guy and his woman were gone. I felt terrible that they sat there for several hours holding their spot only to be overtaken by hip losers who think they rule the world. In my perfect world, Bitchy Mc-silk dress went home to find millions of burnholes in her fancy silk dress.


And last but still very importante!!! My photos for your viewing pleasure --->

Not for long...muahhhhaaaa!

Shadow of vacations past :-(

Xmas in July

I am a genious...I know...stop...stop already.

Some Thoughts To Go With Your Morning Coffee

Smiling People?

Last night I was on the train home, and there was this dude sitting across from me. I didn't notice him at first, but after awhile he caught my attention. He seemed to be staring at nothing in particular and just smiling from ear to ear. Some might ask, "FiFi what's the biggie?" But I propose the question--Who really smiles anymore? Well at least not unless it's a response to some stimulus.

Seriously, I looked around--NO ONE ELSE WAS SMILING. Everyone looked dog tired...head laid back...eyes closed...hating on the world...ready for their jammies. And here's this dude just smiling like...well here's where it gets sticky. I started to ponder the reasons why he was smiling. Here they are in no particular order--->

~He just got laid
~He has a bomb under his shirt
~He is on crack or smack or coke or E or you get the point...
~He's a nutball crazy looney escapee from Bellevue
~He's thinking about the dead body in his freezer

And many others that I won't get into... As you can see, none of my reasons were--THIS GUY IS GENUINELY HAPPY. No...this was not an option. And when I told some people about it...you guessed it...none of them thought of genuine happiness either. So, this is how the world is. We are terribly freaked out...and a guy smiling is unusual as we all sit there around him with our "the world sucks balls" mentality and miserable scowls. He's the nutso, and we're normal.

***Disclaimer: I still have a strong feeling that this guy was a a few screws short of a whorehouse...no but seriously. And it's not because I'm a jaded New Yorker.

And on to #2

Yes, I am seriously going to talk about #2...aka poop. I sort of shy away from the topic because I am afraid people will think I'm gross and not the sexy mama I really am. I have deliberated and come to the conclusion that sexiness and pooping are not synonymous.

Here are my thoughts...I feel like the world is so ashamed of their poop. Duh! Everyone poops...and everyone's poop stinks. And bathrooms are for getting rid of our waste...and that's not only pee. So, why do we go into a public bathroom and hide out trying to be quiet and inconspicuous until everyone's gone so that we can poop all alone? Point #1. Everyone knows you're there. It's not like since you have to take a shit you suddenly become invisible. Point #2. You know that you're gonna get up, wash your hands, head for the door and smack face to face with the person that's on their way in and have to look at the tears in their eyes from the stench you're leaving behind. Point #3. I know you know what I'm talking about. Don't try to lie. Because FiFi is omnipresent...just like God.

I get confused and frustrated because I, too, suffer from these same afflictions. And I just don't know why we can't all congregate in the bathroom for a pooping symphony. At one with our own and each other's funky noises and smells. Cheer if you're with me on this one. I think that the world would be a much better place.

FiFi says "HOLY KNIT!!"

Okay, so I've been under the impression that even though knitting has become a new hip thing to do, it's still old lady as all hell so I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot knitting needle. At this point, the craze and hype is sorta over so when I got offered a lesson, I figured I'm the cool one now for waiting until it's not really that cool anymore. So that's how I rationalized my participation in this whole thing. Well, that and the fact that it was FREE. Free things make me smile and twitch in my "special" places.

I'll start by saying I found some classes that you have to pay for and HOLY KNIT they're like $150 for three/four lessons. Thank little baby Jesus I found this deal. On with the tale.

My friend and I arrived at our appointment and were greeted with HUGE thick yarn and HUGE thick needles. Apparently, it's the easiest way to grasp the very complex concept of knitting. We learned how to "cast off", and we learned the regular knit and the pearl stitch. I felt like I was a two year old. I would try, fail, get upset with myself, scold myself for not doing better. Then I would try, do it right, cheer myself. A pattern of this continued. Usually with the former result whereby I would hand the knitting needles over to my instructor to fix or have her hold my hands and do it with me.

So then we bought some yarn and knitting needles. They have this thingymajig where you put the yarn around this other thing and attach it to another thing and crank the handle. And basically what this does is pull the yarn into a ball. IT IS SOOOO AWESOME! I could do that for a living if someone would let me.

We then decided to stay for awhile and start our scarves. (They reccommend starting off with a scarf because it's basic knitting back and forth without complications.) I have decided to make it even more basic for myself and make kid's scarves. Just to get practice and build my technique.

Alas, I went home...knitted...came to work today...knitted. I only want to knit. But this is the case whenever I get a shiny new toy. I only hope that the knitting needles don't end up in the closet as do so many of my other passions have.

I can definitely say that if you need to get your mind off something or calm down...this is definitely good for that. You have to focus on the needles or you'll fcuk it up...and it really sucks when you fcuk up.

This is FiFi signing off...back to my knitting.

Cold Shower

Yeah...I had one of those this morning. It gave me the wake up shock I desperately needed.

I've been waking up a lot lately. The way I see myself. The way I see others. The way I see what I want and what I've been missing in my life. Not that I'm a bad person or anything. I'm exceptionally wonderful but perfection is a dream never attained.


So, I finished ELEVEN MINUTES ~Paulo Coelho. It's a great book. Just read it to find out what the "eleven minutes" actually is. Cuz I'm not telling. Nahnahnahnah booboo. Coelho's writing style is so accessible which makes it an easy...non-complex...need a dictionary for every other word type of book. I know you know what I'm talking about. I like the complex, but if you need to learn life lessons, they are better served directly in your face...with flashing lights...a big red bow...just because it can be very difficult to see what is right before us.


Here are the snazzy quotes I extracted from the book--->

"Love is not to be found in someone else, but in ourselves; we simply awaken it."

"I carry with me a part of your past, and you carry with you a little of my present. Isn't that lovely?"

"...you awaken desire by not immediately handing over the object of that desire."

"The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility...if you want to acheive your objectives, you have to be prepared for a daily dose of pain or discomfort. At first, it's unpleasant and demotivating, but in time you come to realize that it's part of the process of feeling good, and the moment arrives when, if you don't feel pain, you have a sense that the exercises aren't having the desired effect."

"After all, we are human beings, we are born full of guilt; we feel terrified when happiness becomes a real possibility; and we die wanting to punish everyone else because we feel impotent, ill-used and unhappy. To pay for one's sins and be able to punish the sinners, wouldn't that be delicious. Oh yes, wonderful."

And this one's a doozy, but it's great:
"Original sin was not the apple that Eve ate, it was her belief that Adam needed to share precisely the thing she had tasted. Eve was afraid to follow her own path without someone to help her, and so she wanted to share what she was feeling.
Certain things cannot be shared. Nor can we be afraid of the oceans into which we plunge of our own free will; fear cramps everyone's style. Man goes through hell in order to understand this. Love one another, but let's not try to possess each other."

Weekend In Review

I was a busy little beaver this weekend.

~Watched the Harold and Kumar sequal. Okay, I love them. They are soooo funny.

~Ate Indian food at PANNA II. It's on 1st ave at 5th st in Manhattan. It's very kitschy. They have christmas lights and chile lights and disco lights all over the ceiling. It's teeny weeny so be prepared to get squished in like a sardine. It's so worth it even if you get a laptop bag in your Masala.

~Tried to figure out what the hell to do with my writer's group. I'm starting my own due to the dissatisfaction with others. However, it's overwhelming and time consuming weeding thru applicants. I need an intern.

~Saw a watergun fight. Yes...an actual scheduled come and squirt each other water fight. I've been forgetting my camera a lot these days. Otherwise, I'd show you a crazy picture of these weirdos.

~Vicky Cristina Barcelona...need I say more. I'm a prettymuch in love with all Woody Allen's movies. I think he's not right in the head, but maybe that's why he makes great films. This movie is absolutely hysterical...especially the mucho mucho mucho bonita Penelope Cruz. She will make you piss yourself. Seriously, a lil pee will come out. Necessito ver dos mas tiempos. SPEAK ENGLISH IN MY HOUSE!!

~Indian food has become a passion for me. Go to Jackson Heights in Queens if you live in the NYC area. They have excellent buffet restaurants and a PATEL BROTHERS grocery store. (where there's really really cheap yet healthy food). Oh and buy a huge bag of TURMERIC. If you don't know what that is...Google it. It's the miracle spice of all time.

Okay, I'm tired of talking now. Hope everyone had as fun of a weekend as I did!!

I've Got That Itchy Twitchy Feeling

No....it's not what you're thinking. Sick minded fools! I'm very disappointed in you.

I've got a mosquito bite the size of a plum on my arm. Ewww...yes. I concur. I would take a picture of it to show you...however, I do not have my camera, and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't care to see it anyway. So, I tried ignoring it...it got bigger...I tried putting vinegar on it...it got bigger and more itchy...so now I went and got some cortizone cream. It's been on there for thirty minutes already, and it still itches. I am just saying prayer to little baby Jesus that I haven't contracted Malaria or West Nile from it.

I'm not really sure why I've shared that with you. Maybe because it's at the forefront of my mind, maybe because it's Friday and on Friday's for some unknown reason I don't feel like talking. Anyway, hope that you all have a lovely weekend. USE SOME BUGSPRAY!!! I implore you.


Oh and here's an amazing picture that happened completely by accident and turned out a masterpiece. Enjoy a spectacular view of my wonderful city!

Photo credit: Aiden Kondracki

From The Garden Of Eden

I am a woman. I am a child. I am a Christian. I am middle class. I am a friend. I am a girlfriend. I am a therapist. I am a Savior. I am a listener. I am a talker. I am a comedian. I am dramatic. I am altruistic. I am a writer. I am insecure. I am a fighter. I am a Democrat. I am queer. I am anxious. I love. I am beloved.

Those that know me. Really know me. Those that have seen me cry. Have touched my skin. Know my real name. Have smelled my perfume. Have woken up beside me. Had endless conversations about life. Have fought with me. Have seen me naked. Have played with my hair. Have tickled me. Have grown with me. Survived with me.

Those people have taught me a great many things about myself. They think I am. Sweet. Amazing. Kind. Giving. Caring. Nurturing. Beautiful. Smart. Funny. Honest. Trustworthy. Strong.

I am not pure. Most good people are not. I have a character unique to myself. No other star shines the same. I am not pure. I have been bad. Bad by the judgmental person's definition of the word.

I have lied. I have cheated. I have stolen. I have betrayed trust. I have masturbated. I have cursed. I have lost touch with God. I have made love to a woman. I have manipulated. I have controlled. I have spied. I have broken the law. I have been weak.

I find myself more spiritual, less religious. I find faults with the Bible. But as with most things, there is truth contained within.

I have eaten the apple. Fallen victim to temptation. I have enjoyed it, despised it. I am a real person.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." ~John 8:7

I think I'm pretty safe.

Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings...Trah Lalala

HOLY SHIT!!! I nearly missed this. It is the ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY of my blog. And as you know, a month ago, I gave you my disclaimer that I may not be faithful in keeping up with this. But...to my own amazement, I HAVE! With the exception of weekends...the week I was in San Francisco...and my sinus ickiness I have given you a piece of myself every day.

Without further adieu, here's my piece for today--->

I have not yet told you of the powers my zodiac sign has over me. For I am a Pisces...the fishie.

Here's what Pisces.com has to say about the Pisces peeps:

The Astrological birth sign of Pisces (February 19 - March 20) is usually associated with being extremely creative, sensitive, and artistic, as well as a healthy fascination with the metaphysical and spiritual.

Pisces are the most intuitive and spiritually developed of the zodiac birth signs. Aptly called "old souls", Pisces thirst for spiritual knowledge and personal growth. They are the twelfth, and last, of the Zodiac signs, and as such, tend to have a more finely tuned intuition, sixth sense or extrasensory ability to perceive others feelings.

The duality of the Pisces personality is best described as a constant ebb and flow, back and forth, straddling the physical, material world and the ethereal, divine realm where Pisces vivid imagination, powerful intuition and creative daydreaming feel like home. Pisces are creators. Pisces are common as inventors, writers, musicians, painters, and dancers. Pisces make great friends and mates. Pisces are extremely loyal and caring. Pisces often possess uncanny intuitive or psychic abilities.

Pisces is the 12th sign of the Zodiac and is represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions. The two fish symbolize the internal struggle of the soul within a Pisces. Often, the fish are swimming away from each other in a circle representing life after death or reincarnation. Pisces is considered a feminine or negative sign. Feminine signs are considered more passive, receptive and sensitive than masculine/positive signs.

Pisces are sensitive, humane and often idealistic. People born under this sign react emotionally to everything making them compassionate and sensitive to those around them. Rather than taking an analytical approach to life, pisces react to the feelings of others and as a result can be very influential when they choose to be. In the right situation a Pisces can be capable of incredible deeds. The positive nature of a Pisces and the fact that they are tuned into the feelings of others makes them socially popular.

Being able to read and react to situations makes Pisces one of the most adaptive signs in the Zodiac. They are very intuitive and as a result can be flexible and prosper in many different situations. The intuitive nature of Pisces also makes them a very creative and imaginative sign. Pisces are often artists, writers and dreamers. The strong intuition of a Pisces can also mean that they are very spiritual.

ELEMENT: Water Pisces is one of 3 water signs in the Zodiac, all of which share similar characteristics. Water signs are typically sensitive, emotional (sometimes vulnerable), creative, sensitive and melancholic. The other water signs in the Zodiac that share these characteristics are Cancer and Scorpio.

PLANETS: Jupiter & Neptune Two planets, the lucky Jupiter and sensitive Neptune rule Pisces. Jupiter, lord of the gods, fuels a thirst for knowledge and understanding in Pisces and provides a natural lucky streak for the sign. Neptune, king of the sea, provides the sensitive and spiritual qualities in Pisces. Neptune is associated with idealism and compassion, but also with confusion & deception making Pisces the most impressionable sign in the Zodiac.

So...yeah...that's pretty much me...All of it. Did you get the part where it says Pisces are sensitive creatures? I have a love/hate relationship with this characteristic. I wish I felt less, had a thicker skin, took things less personally, and didn't worry and suffer over small things.

I finally finished GUT SYMMETRIES. I've gotten profound insight from it. Just a few more quotes about my favorite topic FEELINGS...

"I am much better at saying how I feel when I no longer feel it."

"My feelings dismay me. I so rarely control them. They are their own kingdom, too primitive to be a republic, and when they want to , they send their armies to batter me...When I was growing up I rebelled against my feelings and now my feelings rebel against me."

"I want to love well. To see you as you are, not as a character in my film noir. I want the unknowableness and intimacy of another human being."

Ahhh...have I mentioned how much I love Jeanette Winterson? I'm pretty sure I have. Now, I'm taking a small break from her and I've taken up Paulo Coelho's ELEVEN MINUTES. So far...so AMAZING. He's a genius too. Read THE ALCHEMIST. It's the bestest ever.

Fifi's Back...I know you were worried

I am terribly sorry I was not here yesterday to entertain you. I have a sinus infection mucho grande and mucho sucky. So, since I had nuthin' for ya yesterday, I've got two for you today. First, let me self-reflect and second, let me tell you about this weird ass place I went on Saturday night.

"Be someone. Be someone. Redeem history. Make our lives not an endless sacrifice but a gathering of energy, the strength to jump, but we fall, the strength to jump, but we fall, until you who leap and do not fall. Then we see what we were for, the single stuttered words gain the momentum of a narrative."


"Intensity is the Desire to Receive. Open yourself to light and you will become light."


"What had begun as a comity of sovereign states had ended in invasion. He had invaded me but who was arguing over the boundaries? I hardly cared that sharing had come to be spelled capture. Intellectually I was emancipated. Emotionally I still lived in a seraglio."


~~GUT SYMMETRIES-Jeanette Winterson


Inspiring, eh? Well, it inspired me and that's all that really matters. A psychic recently told me that I easily forgive but find it impossible to forget. So...basically what this means is that I forgive a person for whatever it is they've done but continue to scrutinize, nag and punish the person for their offense. In accordance with this, I also torture myself, worrying and debating whether the person actually deserved my forgiveness in the first place.

These tiny idiosyncrasies in my personality manifest into bitterness, anger and resentment. I never stop fighting the battle even after I've won 20 times over. I want to be free. I want to cut out this flaw within myself. If I forgive I must forgive. If I cannot, I must count my losses and move forward, else be stuck in this perpetual path of regression.


Dear Lord of depression and anxiety,

Give me the strength to see through my hazy self and find the truth, accept it and believe in it. Allow me to let go, relax and be patient. If the aformentioned is not possible, dope me up on enough pills so that I may not feel at all. Amen.

Okay...thanks for allowing me to spew my neuroses onto you...


On to DIXON PLACE---

This cramped, dingy performance art space is down on Bowery. Yes...ewww...but I'm an artsy gal, and I've been to a lotta these places because I have artsy friends that I must go to see do their artsy thing.

Anyway...Saturday night, my friend and I went to see two performances, the first being THE CHAIR PROJECT, the second...and I know you're gonna love this one---PUSSY CONTROL.

The basic premise of the chair thingy was that two gals fought, did acrobatic shit, and rumbled around to put their ass on a crappy lunchroom chair. Yeah....it was some lesbians as you may have already assumed. It was quite interesting to watch as they, leaped and climbed all over each other into pretzel poses. On the other hand, I could never see anything like this again and still lead a normal life.

And then there was the pussy thingy. It was this gay guy who had a doppelganger or "ankydoo" as he called it, that was a straight guy. So he spent the entire performance coming to terms and understanding the wonderful world of heterosexuality. Here's a list of the things he did to get this accomplished: Made out with plastic dolls, dressed up as a woman with a furry thong as his "you know what", got personal with some straight porn, did a strip tease, and put on some platform combat boots (he thought these would showcase his femininity...he really only hangs out with the lesbos). Oh...yeah...and he put the thong on wrong so when he flashed us we got to see one of his lovely balls. And as you can probably assume, I would have been spared some trauma and been able to lead a normal life if I hadn't seen this one.

In all honesty, I was entertained, it was kooky but still, I support performance art in all it's wacky forms.

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn Is Just To LOVE and be LOVED In Return...

Today is a blue day. A melancholy day. I really REALLY have nothing to say. Why does this always happen on Friday?

Here are some pics...so I'm not completely useless:

Oh Goodie! I Got One Of Those Scam Letters This Morning. TA-DAH!

N�[38 Rue Des Martyrs
Cocody Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire

ATTNDEAREST ONE OF GOD I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr.Abram Morgan, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don抰 have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don抰 want my husband抯 efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don抰 want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don抰 need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband抯 relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information抯, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs susan morgan.

***Doesn't it just tug at your heartstrings. Yes, uh huh, give me your money and I'll start the Church of the Holy FiFi. The fools that take up space in this world irk me.

Mmmm...

For those of you that live in the NYC area, here's a recommendation for a few of my favorite spots...

I was supposed to see BLUE VELVET at McCarren Pool last night. However, God had other plans. When I arrived at Lorimer on the L train, the sky had opened and a typhoon hit the hipster town of Wburg. So...needless to say...no movie and still in Wburg.

Instead of scrapping the night, a friend and I made the best of it.

1. If you want beer and you're hungry...GO to Alligator Lounge---600 Metropolitan Ave. Brooklyn (right off Lorimer St). Order a $4 beer get a free personal pizza. Every beer entitles you to a pizza so go hungry. And...yes...the pizza is good, made right in the bar in a brick oven.
***P.S. Don't wanna leave another bar out so The Charleston 174 Bedford Ave. (right off 7th St.) also does the same thing.

2. If you want to drink and play arcade games then Barcade is your spot. Heehee...get it BAR + ARCADE = BARCADE. It's at 388 Union Ave. (just a few blocks from the L, G stop at Lorimer/Metropolitan). They have a huge array of old time games (ie Tetris, Ms. Pacman, Super Mario, Frogger etc etc). The games are only $.25 a play. YAY! So get ready. I have carpal tunnel from Super Mario Brothers.
***Disclaimer: They have a huge beer menu of beers that I've never heard of. So, if you're a beer expert have fun. Just be forwarned, they DO NOT have Bud, Stella, Yuengling...or any of the other bar usuals.

Later gators!

Why Is Saving The Earth So Damned Expensive?

Recently I've become more conscious about the earth and resolved that it does not actually revolve around me. So, when I take and take and take...just like most people (that includes you)...it seems apparent that soon there will be nothing left.

I have become more spiritual (meaning I try to meditate here and there and I have little Buddhas all over my pad).

I worry about the economy and that soon we'll all be stuck at a standstill with no money, no job, no gas, no mortgage and an endless list of other "no mores."

I think about the ozone, climate change, the depletion of natural resources, and the melting of all that ice all over those cold places that should not melt. My mother says it's getting hot only because we're getting closer to hell, but I have a sinking suspicion that we the peeps are bringing about our own hell.

Hence, I have begun to make my own small attempt at contribution. I turn off the lights...appliances and such when I'm not using them. Usually, I remember but if I ever forget I am always reminded by my persistent houseguest. I bought those green grocery bags, and then I remembered. I always throw my garbage away in the plastic bags from the store. What am I going to do now? Persistent houseguest says not to throw the garbage directly in the chute! Rats or something or other. And I most certainly do not want rats, cockroaches or any other living creatures in my apartment other than me and my persistent houseguest. So, I researched biodegradible trash bags. Uh...yeah...so those friggers are mucho dinero. Por favor! Oh and they fall apart because they're made from cornstarch.

Therefore, I must find a compromise between plastic and green. I really think it's silly to spend all my green in an effort to become green. That seems not quite right. Oh well, I do my best. That's all we can really hope for.

Rock.Hard Place.Shrug.

I feel truly sorry for the unlucky candidate that wins this year's Presidential Election. It seems such a coveted position, at the present moment, is a seat at the helm of disaster. He who captures the task of street sweeper of this besotted country will need copius amounts of prayer. Even from us non-churchgoing folk.

McCain, it seems is the wolf in sheep's clothing. By this, I mean, Bush is the wolf; McCain is the sheep's clothing. We are in for Bush Numero Dos if we elect him. Haven't we all ready dug this country a deep enough grave? Why not just fly the white flag and let China overtake us.

Obama, I feel, will be a glorified seamstress. Ripping the stitches that Bush has haphazardly sewn in his effort to sew us a utopia.

Isn't there anyone out there that will do what really needs to be done? Stop ignoring the problems and stop trying to create perfection. All we really need is for someone to clean up the ghastley wounds, plug up the holes, get the motor running, so that this country can begin to heal.

It scares me that we had this person within our grasp, right there, with the most hope and promise of getting us out of this mess. We let HER slip through our fingers.

I'm terrified (not proud) to be an American.

When Thine Mouth Gets Thee Into Trouble...

I'm not in much of a talking mood today. I'm tired and cranky. So...from my screenwriting days, I learned it's better to SHOW than to TELL. So here are some of my random pics...

I'm into anything twisted!

Um...so...yeah...that's algae covering the entire lake. Yummy!


I wasn't really that into Las Vegas. A town that has children handing out business cards for hookers. I can see where it gets the name Sin City.


I don't have much to say about this. It's a woman having silver shit poured on her. It was Henri Bendel's Christmas window last year.

Ahhh...zee Eiffel Tower. It's actually the one at the Paris hotel in Vegas. But, I had you fooled didn't I???

The Gold People. Or my entourage. I cut myself out of this pic. I'm pretty sure you're as scared of them as I was.

And...a lil somethin' somethin' to get your weekend started off right.

You're Not Gonna Believe What Happened Next...

I have a few things to report that have happened to me in the last 24 hours. Learning four lessons in less than one day is mighty overwhelming. So, I will depress you first and then bring up your spirits in the end...'cuz I think doing it the other way around is rude.

Here Today...

Okay...so yesterday I was coming back from lunch with a co-worker and we came round a corner and there was a woman sitting in a wheelchair. Not out of the ordinary. However, hotel staff and other people surrounded her. Noticing that something was not right, I went to my office. I figured she already had enough of an audience.

A little while later, I got the whole story from my boss. The woman had a heart condition. Not medically smart so I won't go into it, but anyway, she collapsed in the lobby and died practically instantaneously. And it seems, most of the revival efforts were made postmortem. Her daughter was there with her.

I can only imagine the pain she is going through. I tried to picture how I would feel if the same happened to me, and the only visual I could come up with is being carted of to Bellevue, never to return.

Lesson #1: Life is short. You can be here today and gone tomorrow. (Or as my mother says: Here today gone today) Appreciate and love what you have.

Please Don't Shoot First and Ask Questions Later

I know that everyone is guilty of this one. The whole throwing a fit...flying off the handle...blowing your fuse before you even know what's going on is sorta a bad idea. A bad manner persay. It's so much easier to allow your anger to build and manifest into an ugly little monster that rears it's ugly head. So...instead of calmly resolving the problem, we must first have World War 46, call it a day, resume peace talks, and then FINALLY sign the peace treaty.

Stubborn people seem to be often more guilty of this little faux pas. Let's try to get it under control.

Lesson #2: You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. It's best to get all the facts before you sentence the defendant.


Shit Rolls Down Hill

Occasionally blowing the fuse is okay. Especially if it's over someone that shouldn't have been born. I am not a particularly nasty person by nature, but do enough to ruffle my feathers, especially when it's over something that doesn't even concern me---I GET PISSED!

So...this bottom feeder assistant calls me this morning. She wants bookings for a Corporate account. I look it up, and it's closed out because we're all but sold out. So, I tell her this, and this cuntilosa proceeds to rant on to me about how I'm stupid, I can't do my job, She hopes the call is being recorded, I'm unprofessional, Corporate accounts can do whatever they want. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. At this point, I've already shut down and started my mantra...DIE BITCH DIE BITCH... So, the rest of what she had to say I'm not really sure of. Hence, maybe, just maybe, if the higher ups in my office would inform these rude ass whores that these things are subject to availability, I wouldn't be treated like a know nothing loser, and that stupid bitch wouldn't look like the cavecunt of all time.

Lesson #3: Carry an umbrella. You never know when it's gonna start raining shit. Oh...and believe in yourself and don't let the socially challenged get to you.

I Could Have Died

Lordy. I hope this doesn't depress you. 'Cuz I think that's rude, but so...you remember how I was in San Francisco last week and all. Well the other day, two streetcars collided on the F line up the Embarcadero. Yes...you heard me right. The drivers and the peeps onboard had to be taken to the hospital. Isn't that rough shit? So...I totally rode that deathtrap on my vacation. Everyone made out okay...or so they say. I hope there's no conspiracy coverup going on.

Lesson #4: Almost the same as lesson #1 with the twist of don't trust public transportation. Especially when it's like 400 years old...like damn street cars in San Francisco.

Excerpts from a Conversation

I have this friend. She hath delved into the seedy underworld of online dating. This is not something I reccommend for the faint of heart. You never really know who you're talking to these days---Hot Babe or Dirty Truck Driver. However, in the days of yonder before I found that special someone to cook with, makeout with and fight with, I, too, took a trip to the Cyber Prom.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that El Dirty Truck Driver is far more appealing than the hot chick in the club who's surrounded by her lion's pack of protectors. Good luck to all who are brave enough to penetrate that...

So...anyway, I won't go into gross detail, but certain things she has told me about him have lead me to the obvious conclusion that he's a serial killer. She maintains that he's not, but I'd personally like to see how well he'd do on TO CATCH A PREDATOR. Oh...well...he probably is harmless.

And...yes...the following is actual real life dialogue spoken between us during the conversation:

Me: So...how is the murderer?

Her: He's not a murderer. When we go on our date, we're gonna play mini-golf. Do you think a murderer would want to play mini-golf?

Me: I don't know. I don't know a lot of murderers.
-----

Her: I think he's just lonely and desperate.

Me: That's just what you need. So you can manipulate and control him.

Her: Exactly.

Me: That's terrible.

Her: Maybe that's how he lures them in and then he cuts them up into little pieces. (Can you see how she's humoring me here?)

Me: Probably.
----

Me: Well I better go. You have your psycho killer to keep you company.

Her: He said he'd be right back. He went to get a drink.

Me: Yeah, that's killer code for "sharpen my knife" or "check how the body in my tub is decomposing."

***Disclaimer: More than likely, he's okay. And if they ever get married and live happily ever after...I apologize for this.

The City of Sand and Fog

Is San Francisco the setting for that movie "House of Sand and Fog"? I feel like it is. Note to self: Google that later...

And may I present to you my photographic ode to San Francisco!!!

A lovely diner. I have an extraordinary love for these places. Especially the kitsch ones.

These houses float on the water. Not joking. This is not what I pictured when they told me house boat. I pictured something like Captain Hook's ship.

Ahhh...my favorite. The moving museum to display all that Bush has fucked up over the years. Inspiring.

I'm not so sure I'd wanna live on the Crookedest Street. But the houses are pretty.

And they do have a spectacular view. Lombard Street. Where tourists stand in your front yard and take pictures of your house. A tad creepy.

My second favorite. This guy was trying to get us to take a cab. I think he really wanted to take us down his "back alley." You know what I'm sayin'.

This is not a weird and cruel joke. I would never do such a thing. These signs are all over the Golden Gate Bridge with a handy phone underneath.

Who the hell would want to jump off something so beautiful? Actually I did at the time, I was having a personal crisis. Luckily, I didn't need the phone to save me.

San Francisco wildlife. These things are soooo cute. But the constant barking would piss me off if I had to listen to it for more than the two minutes it took to take this picture.

More wildlife. This is one of the dearest friends I made. I just always felt like he was trying to get away from me. I guess I didn't mean as much to him as he meant to me.

Ahhhhh...the Marina district. So beautiful. So picturesque. Buuuuttt...if an earthquake comes through the ground under these homes liquifies because they were built over a landfill. Hope they have some good homeowner's insurance.

The Castro District. The gay hood. Mecca if you will. I did see some "Hot Cookies" while I roamed these streets. Mmmm.

And lookie here...we even have our own special gay dry cleaners. How convenient!!

This is what we call a "Chinatown Dryer."

The second mecca. Mrs. Doubtfire's house. Shit...I loved that movie. It was made 19 years ago. When I found that out, I feel like an old ass hag. Word.

Another lovely find on my Victorian Home Walk. A Chinese church that once was a VERY popular brothel. Seems fitting they would turn it into a church.

Attention to detail. I would probably shoot myself before taking on the task of painting these crazy houses.

And last...but certainly not least. A long view of the "Painted Ladies." I have about thirty thousand other pictures jjjjuuuusssstttt like this one. I'm a dork.

Something Profound...Finally

"I felt the flood packing water behind my eyes. Hot water and hot blood and hot salt. I felt the tears welling up as I started to talk about everything I did to be with Rafe and the way he made no effort to be with me, taking it for granted that I would arrive, gift-wrapped, with a big bow tied around my neck, each and every weekend like I was put on earth just to love and serve him. I knew I had created this situation, but I still hated him for letting me be this way. Hated him for not doing more. Hated him for never coming to see me in Cambridge, for always begging off because he had a play to attend or a paper to write. Hated him because he made me drop everything without even asking me to."

"It's just that, all his words, all that he says about loving me so much, they all don't seem to matter when I feel like this relationship would not be happening at all if it weren't for my efforts." ~~ Elizabeth Wurtzel-PROZAC NATION

Good.Bye.

I have returned from the City of Fog. I will post a lovely picture montage shortly.

However, I am depressed. One of my very best friends is leaving NYC for China next week. It has become real to me. She will be gone. I am terribly worried that I will be sad like this for awhile. China is far to ask for advice. China is far to get a hug. China is far to get a beer and free pizza. She will be so far. I am a little scared. I know I will be fine. It's only an adjustment. I just have small issues with change. If you knew me better, you'd see that I tend to stay in situations that may not be good for me and avoid some opportunities that may be great---all for the fear of change.



I have read some things recently that say that we all have lessons to learn in life. We all have opportunities to overcome things that may be hardest for us...and we will constantly be presented with the same lesson over and over and over...until we finally pass the test.