...sing a little love song, my love, to myself. If there's something that you want to hear, you can sing it yourself...

'Cause everything is free now, That's what I say. No one's got to listen to The words in my head. Someone hit the big score, And I figured it out, That we're gonna do it anyway, Even if doesn't pay... ~~Gillian Welch

Okay...so...here's what's gonna happen. What's gotta happen actually.

I don't know anyone in Staten Island. Don't really need/want to know anyone there. So...when someone Googles my name and reads my blog in Staten Island...I can see that my previous request for someone to leave me alone was not granted. Clever...but I'm cleverer...

I have no fucking clue what you are still looking for. If you are looking for a revealing post on how I got fucked 100 ways to Sunday, you won't find it here. Miss FiFi is too much of a lady for vulgarity of that sort. And I prefer to keep some of the deviant aspects of my life to myself...thank you very much.

I thought of writing about how I had decided to become straight again or started dating Shane from the L Word or that I'm moving out of the city, hell, the state, the fucking country even.

I then realized that that would not work...nope. So, I am very sad to report the tragic death of one Miss FiFi Mandrake. She was an amazing gal! Beloved! Sought after! Worshipped! Adored! Loved the world over! Unforgettable! No one could match her wit, charm or beauty! She will be missed severely.

Fortunately, Miss FiFi's soul was reincarnated and will return to the world again shortly with a new more beautiful name and all the audacious, brilliant deviance that her followers have come to love so dearly. If you are a friend of FiFi, please send an email so I can reveal her new identity to you.

I will now leave you with these few last words.

What there is to learn, you will eventually learn for yourself. I had to. Everyone has to. You are going to find no more helpful information. In life, we must learn our own lessons and repeat the same mistakes over and over until we get it right. Unfortunately, I know the hard and long road that is before you all too well. It has always and continues to lead to the same dead end. You cannot learn from me or the ones that came before me. You cannot learn from your friends. You have to learn for yourself. And one day, it will be okay. While the end is very painful, we all get away or die trying. You and your happiness are most important. You just have to ask yourself...am I ready for all the sacrifices? Am I ready for the questioning, second guessing trust issues that never end (at least not for me)? Go down the road with eyes wide open and believe in yourself. You will find the answer. You will be okay.

Farewell...

Love and $700 Yoga

Ahhhhh...hello my persimmons...what is up??

I have been sooooooo crazy busy at work this week...no lunch breaks :(

Seriously, it's okay though. I am really enjoying my job these days. It's kinda lovely. I am getting into the groove and it's showing. YAY! The only problem...now I have two crackberries to babysweat. It's not too bad, things could always be worse.

I am feeling lots better thanks to my new yoga class. I had my first session on Tuesday. It was a private get to know ya session with the master of the center. He and I did some yoga...some breathing and he did like this healing thingy on me. He was pressing my body in the places that were blocking my energy flow and BOY did it hurt like a mutha fucka. So basically what my job here is...I gots to get my uterus area warmer than my head. Cuz as of now my uterus is ice cold and my head is warm. And zhat is not good my peeps...no good at all.

So, now I have my membership and I will go to class 3 days a week. I had my first group class last nite. We have to wear a uniform when we are there which is a cross between the karate kid and scrubs. Lovely beautiful white. Everyone there is so nice and you have to hug the peeps which freaks me out but I will have to ease up on my personal space issues.

I think I will learn a lot from this. We do yoga during the first part of class...which is mad hard but fun. Then we do breathing...which is killer painful but it centers you...then we do meditation and tapping, which is really fucking like totally awesome cool. At the end we stretch and I felt as though I couldn't remember where I was hurting before. I was so relaxed and peaceful. YAY!! After class we all sit together around this little table on the floor and have tea...which is lovely. We get to talk about our experiences during class. Since yesterday was my first class, I had a lot to say. Everyone there is super nice and sweet. I'm very excited about it.

And then...I have been watching the fifth season of Nip/Tuck. It has been nutso. Like really out there this season...but I still love it sooooo much. I finished the last episode and am wondering what the fuck is gonna happen next season. I just kept saying "Holy fucking shit" over and over...cuz Shawn got majorly stabbed by his stalker/agent lady, the lovely Sharon Gless (sweetheart from Queer as Folk)...and basically the show ended with him bleeding like mad nuts on the floor. Yikes! Say it with me...HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

I have the most mondo crazy weekend coming up and the following two weekends after this will be mondo crazy. Busy busy little beaver FiFi coming thru...(no beaver jokes please). There's the V Day party, the other V Day party, a writing cram session, and then my favorite nephew Kingston is graduating from puppy training, all with the culmination of my BIRTHDAY PARTY. YAYAYAYAYAY!!! So, I sent out the evites for my party...and yikes a buncha peeps are attending...me gots to call the resto and see if they can hold all these peeps. They should be able to....it's a big place. I betcha wanna know what I titled my party, huh??? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Well...okay....fine. It's called The most important person in your life is having a birthday. And the subtitle is It's me...FiFi...in case you weren't sure. Hahahahahahaha! I know you are totally pissing yourself right now. See how funny I is. Don't be jealous!

So yeah...right now...my life is all about love...yoga...peace...happiness and LOVE!!!

Peace my little ones!!!

I Feel Sorry For You...

"I can count the cracks in the ceiling all day long. I guess the birds they just went south, but I've got no where to go, it's 31 and falling, I've been dreaming of you darling, in case you'd like to know...God damn my wasted time, ringing all the bells. If I could hold my tongue, just long enough to get me through the door then you won't know...rewind the tape while your back is turned, fold my arms and pull the curtains closed, bury the roses in the backyard and darlin' never mind what I might have said, before, before, God damn my wasted time, ringing all the bells...I've got half a mind to lie to you half a mind to tell you everything I have to tell, to tell, to tell. I've been wasting my time I know I know better, and I'm tired of waxing sentimental, I'm tired of saying please, please, tired of waiting, I'm tired of waiting." ~~Chris Pureka

As you can probably tell...I loooooovvvve Chris Pureka. Her lyrics make me cry. Her songs are so amazingly beautiful. I highly HIGHLY recommend googling the song 31 and Falling and listening to her sing these unforgettable lyrics. So preeettty.

I am doing a lot better. Getting back on the horsey. YAY!

So take another breath...

open your eyes, see this is what you get, yeah it serves you right, and when it's all said and done, it always seems so predictable, predictable... ~~Chris Pureka

Ok...it's been nearly two whole days and no sign of zee stalker...so now I will say what I want to say...finally.

As they say in Steel Magnolias...It's time...Shelby...it's time.

So...for about a month now, I have been really unhappy. Really...and I'm sure it's going to continue for awhile, but I have finally decided that something has to be done about it.

I have labored over my feelings, my soulmate, my destiny, my fate and a whole buncha other bullshit to try and figure out what exactly my next move should be.

I admitted to all of my friends and I will now admit to you...that I had really been hoping that I would get back together with my ex and we would continue our life together. That we would put all of our shit and pain and hurt behind us and move forward and love and take care of each other. I will admit that I had hoped that she would have decided that she was in love with me and that we would be together again. I wrestled back and forth with what that would mean and how that would work and how I would feel but I always wanted it deep down inside me. And you probably ask...FiFi, why? You were hurt so badly and went through so much to stay away, why would you ever go back? And the truth is, I really loved her and really wanted to be with her. I really thought if we got back together that it would be different this time. I really did. I hoped that if the back and forth would stop and that we both came back together that everything would have been okay.

And she walked away from me again. And whether or not that was supposed to happen again, it still hurts...no matter if it was destiny for her to break my heart twice. I have been contemplating the importance of being with my soulmate. I do not discount that my ex is my soulmate...and actually some of my friends agree that the psychic may be right about that. And if you know my friends...that is a humongous, like really big thing for them to admit.

I sometimes find myself thinking about all of the things that we did together, things that made me so happy. I have spent a lot of time cataloguing our life and happiness...and trying to see all of that above the misery I feel. And so, now I cry a whole lot. I have ten zillion little and big moments where I can just see us looking at each other and laughing about how we both are and the little nuances that no one ever saw but us.

So, I understand why it is exceptionally hard for me to let go because I saw the angel that lives in her. That being said...I will now have to let go. I want to tell her to come back, but I am afraid and really can't handle the prospect of being rejected again. My friend tells me never to be afraid to communicate...but I am afraid to put myself out there again only to be pushed away and walked out on...left without a trace as has happened before. I can't wait as I did last time for her to be ready to come back. I shouldn't have to wait for someone to decide that they love me and want to be with me. I deserve to be showered with love.

So...It is time for me to look for love again, and not temporary fixes, one night stands and meaningless encounters. Real love. A true, bonafide relationship. That is what I want. I don't want anything that includes emptiness anymore. I won't accept anything less than great. I want something real and tangible. My friends are all ready and up for the task of finding me Ms. Right. Some owe me since I brought them love. And some just really want to see me light up and be happy again.

The thought of blocking emails and changing my phone number makes me physically ill. To be permanently cut off from this person I love seems so awful and painful. I always feel like I want her to be able to reach me, but I don't think it's healthy. I don't want to hear in a month or two that she made a huge mistake all over again and that she regrets it all over again and I get sucked back in all over again. There has to be a point when everyone needs to learn that actions have consequences and that regretting the action doesn't always excuse the behavior and open the door to a reconnection. It can't mean that anymore. Otherwise, I feel pathetic.

The hole inside of me will just have to be there until I fill it up again. I will have to cry and live with the hole. Another of my friends told me to just sit and cry...cry cry cry until I cannot cry anymore. I always hate crying, but I think I'm getting pretty good at it now...haha.

I have decided to go to this healing woman. I have decided to start taking this new age-y yoga class. Apparently both of these things are life changing according to a close source. I have decided to read and write again and look after myself. I haven't been doing that for the past month. I have been preettty darn depressed...lost a lot more weight and have been super tired. And with my new job, new responsibilites, I need to really take care of myself.

I am so very lucky to have friends that love me no matter what I do, think, believe or say. It makes me so happy to know that I can say to them how I feel, even if it is something that they probably don't want me to feel.

I know it will get better. I have faith in myself to move on and be happy again.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I just got the Stephanie Meyer's book The Host. I have plans to go hang with some friends and also a little day trip planned.

It's time...FiFi...It's time.

"So I change the subject and I put on my best smile, so you won't notice, so you won't notice what's wrong. So don't you ask me, no please don't ask me, 'cause I don't dare tell you, exactly what's on my mind. It might be an ordinary day, but it seems like more than that to me...I've gathered these pages of words left unspoken, letters I didn't send you would fall right from my fingers. If you said I could put my hands where I want to, set fire to the bedroom. If you said I could put it all out on the table, throw the maps right out the window... Oh there you are, it's so good to see you, it's so good to see you, I wish you could stay." ~~Chris Pureka

Change Effected

Ahhhhh...relief....sweet relief! After my biting yet truthful post yesterday, it appears as though I am being stalked no more. It seems I have gotten my message across loud and clear.

I felt sorta bad about the way I did it, but really, what other option did I have? Really? I felt my creativity was sort of stifled by the fact that I was being spied upon.

I understand the desire to know what someone may or may not be doing and not divulging...however, it seems ridiculous to stalk me in order to try to ascertain that information.

If you have to resort to this measure, it seems obvious that this person may not be worth the effort that goes into tracking their every move. I also understand the desire to gain insight into a person by reading another person's thoughts of them, but really, it was just getting out of hand. And creeping me out. I don't want to be someone's only portal into the secret life and deeds of another person.

That being said...allow me to bring us all back to the wonderful world of FiFi. I wish that person the best of luck with their less than lucky situation and hope that she proceeds with a modicum of caution and doesn't suffer the way I have.

Welcome back FiFi-followers...tomorrow we shall return to business as usual.

PEACE MUTHAS!!!

How Can I Be Of Service To You?

So...yeah...I've noticed a vicious pattern here lately. I have this thing called a blog tracker. I started it so that I could see how many hits my blog got. So...basically what this also means is that I can see with date and time stamp every single time someone accesses my blog...even if the IP changes. I still know who it is, especially when some psycho accesses it sometimes up to 10x a day. (It's okay...keep reading...don't worry, you've already been tracked).


Since you are not the first stalker I've had, I've become adept in noticing this kind of weird shit. So yes, I know who you are. Sorry, to burst your bubble.

The pressing question remains...what is it exactly that you are looking for? I don't know if you are looking for information...if so, I think that you have gotten enough from all the months of posts on here. If you are looking for any details of current or future plans for a rendezvous, you will be sorely disappointed. I'm not going to spill. Just remember, it's unnecessary drama and you don't want to know, right?

I have racked my brain for every disparaging remark I have heard, any hurtful detail I can remember to write on here to get you to go away and still you come. I have had enough. I don't get to write what I want to write about anymore. I know my writing is good, but this is simply uncalled for.

So, here I give you a list of my suggestions for things you could do instead of stalk me:
1. Get a job.
2. Take care of your kid.
3. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
4. Take up knitting.
5. Get a job.
6. Take care of your kid.
7. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
8. Paint a watercolor.
9. Get a job.
10. Take care of your kid.
11. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
12. Clean your house.
13. Get a job.
14. Take care of your kid.
15. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
16. Start your own blog.
17. Get a job.
18. Take care of your kid.
19. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
20. GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! Jesus!

Peace out!

Fed Up...

Dudeskies...I am having the BEST lunch ever. Mmmmmmmm....

Okay. So. The L Word. I'm not so sure how I feel about the Jenny/Shane romance. It seems almost incestuous, yet they do kinda sorta look remotely good together. It really is too bad Jenny has to die and that this isn't gonna develop much further....NOT!!! I hate Jenny...but the actress is AMAZING. And I am gonna be with Shane in the spinoff...haha. And I think the critique that Jenny gave Alice about her treatment was so fucking hilarious peeps. Pissed my pants.

But usually every scene with Alice makes me piss my pants. We share an almost freakishly similar personality.

And then, this past weekend I saw The Unborn. Holy fucking traumatic shit! That movie is so freaky deaky scary. I was crawling up my seat for the entire two hours. We went to see My Bloody Valentine 3-D but it was sold out...I was very depressed. I was so looking forward to seeing the killer fling an ax and having it appear as though it was coming straight at my head. YAY! Good times. Soon though. I will see it soon.

I also have started thinking about what the hell I'm gonna do with my tramp stamp. I got this tattoo on the small of my back at Senior Week in high school. And now I fucking hate it. So...I would like to have something designed to cover it up. Cuz it is just not working for me anymore. And as you all know, tattoos are my passion.

Lockdown-the state of being grounded and denied privileges

Lip Service-Verbal expression of agreement or allegiance, unsupported by real conviction or action; hypocritical respect

Fear and distrust both lead to the manifestation of nasty side effects…no not red bumps in your nether regions but in some cases worse…sort of. Anxiety and depression, and life is really not fun when you are plagued with these two fucking pain in the ass demons. I should know. Fortunately, I sort of found a cure for this…no I can’t spill it. It’s a very expensive cure, without which you will certainly suffer a fate worse than death. Just kidding or am I??? *mysterious scowl* I’ll let you ponder that…I can tell you it kinda sorta maybe possibly requires small bank, ya know what I’m sayin. Meanwhile…thank God it’s over and better and calmer and serene and lah dee dah…cuz the alternative is lah dee die kill me seriously and a constant pain and agony that eats you fucking alive. And my lovelies, momma doesn’t want to be eaten alive.

And if number one above occurs you will almost assuredly get a response of number two. It is a vicious cycle. I should know. Eventually, you will fall off the ferris wheel. And it fucking hurts when you fall off the ferris wheel. I should know.

My bestest advice like ever…from Ms. Carrie Bradshaw herself…

“Enjoy yourself . . . That’s what your twenties are for. Your thirties are to learn the lessons. Your forties are to pay for the drinks.”

Smart lady. Sometimes I haven’t figured out why I race soooo quickly to the finish line. I’m still young. It’s not a race. I have all the time in the world to settle into the happiness and trust. It’s relatively around the corner. And my peeps, everything’s relative.

Personally, my preferred form of lockdown comes in the bolting of the door, drawing of the curtains, and handcuffing to the headboard and as for lip service, I’ll bet you can only guess where I like to be serviced by the lips. Ahhhh…pleasure.

Nighty night…wink wink.