Psychotic Defense Mechanism

Once a friend of mine explained the above term...

Psychotic Defense Mechanism--paranoid projection. This is considered a psychotic or reality-altering defense because of its massive distortion of reality. Like denial, paranoid projection actually revises the individual's perception of reality in a direction more acceptable to his desires.

Alternate Universe Much??? This was the term given to my Ex. Scary huh? But if you spend long enough with her you can see the alternate world all too clearly. And she admits it's true herself. Hmmmm...isn't it the worst tragedy of all to love someone like this??? Living in a dream world...with no hope for rehabilitation save for institutionalization or massive drugs.

Yeah...that's what makes me sad. It really is not her fault. I know that she doesn't mean to hurt me...but is incapable of doing anything else. Destructive nature to keep in a state of constant chaos.

This is the truly funny thing that was the main reason I responded to her in the first place. In reality whatever she wants/does/desires...she REALLY wants exactly the opposite. If she could take what she wants and do the opposite she would be happy. But she can't.

I only explain this to further my next point. Her inability to love. She once told me that her concept of love was so distorted that what she had with me (real love) seemed so wrong and foreign to her. She fully believed that she was not in love with me and she could never admit to the fact that she did. In reality, she loved me more than anyone else. It was her inability to express it that drove me to the realization that I was the only person she had ever loved.

See...she cheated on me one time. I found out and flipped. I was DONE. For days and days and days her reflex to keep me because the fear of losing me was so devastating kicked in. Here she said over and over...I love you...I love you...I will die without you...You are the only one that can save me...I will not be able to handle it if you leave me...and about ten million other more depressing lines. I withstood this for days...holding to the fact that she fucking cheated. It is ONLY now that I understand. She wasn't doing this because she LOVED me at all. She was doing it because she couldn't bear to be alone. I realize now that if she admits to love immediately she is only doing it to keep me. Not that she cares or wants it or any of those things. It takes her minimum of a year (from my experience) and millions of pricks of pain and heartbreak to realize actual love. When I received the text from her in November, I understood. We had been apart for two months. She had gone through the process of realization. No contact...nothing. She had the time she needed to process us in order to discover and admit that what we had was REAL love. Even though it was foreign to her.

I can laugh now that I was so oblivious to her actual motives when she made her grandiose declarations of love...they were false. I saw it only too recently when our affair blew up like a ticking time bomb. I know I'm skipping ahead in the story from yesterday, but I'll go back. The evening before she went to her girlfriend and confessed her sins...she was at my house. We were going over and over what we had been going over for awhile. What we really wanted from each other. She repeated all the same shit she had been saying. I told her that whatever she want to do. Do exactly the opposite. She told me that she couldn't break up with her...that this girl had never done anything to hurt her. Which was true. So instead, I asked her, since you are not really in love with her, you won't break up with her and cause her pain right now...only wait until something truly destructive, awful and devastating happens like it did with us. She cannot communicate what she wants...childish to the point of throwing a fit and all hell breaking loose in order to free herself.

So...she told the girl. (The explosion) She emailed me and said that she did. She told me that she loved the girl and was so upset that she did this to her and blah blah blah. Everything? Everything. Okay...I had learned a few weeks prior that their whole relationship was based on lies to begin with...so I wondered what lies she had spun at this point. This made me angry. I did not want her to break up with the girlfriend. I liked my sweet setup...despite my rage with the girl's constant calling... It was very lovely to see her, have fun, have sex and send her back to the girlfriend for the dramatics.

Enter...FLASH of realization on my part. In this same conversation she blamed me for her telling the girl. She said that I had ended it the other day. Because I couldn't handle her confusion. That it was my fault all this happened. Uh huh...so you don't love her...you don't want to be with her...you don't like her home situation and now you are going to be stuck back in there, miserable until you cheat AGAIN!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE FUCKING OPPOSITE??

I told her I wouldn't be with her. I would date her and see what happened. So...since she would be ALONE she took the other road.

She told me the reason she told the girlfriend was my fault. Gee thanks! I suppose. At least I am not the one this time that is combating her bull shit. She does what she needs to do to get back into her safe zone and then resumes her destruction with thrice force.

So, here is where I say that all of this is the MAJOR reason why the psychic telling me that my Ex is my soulmate scares the poopy out of me. I cannot go through this again. Psychic knows it. I know it. Ex knows it. I cannot understand where I will magically cure her. I cannot! The psychic says that the Ex will come back. Yeah...I didn't need a psychic to tell me that. There was never a doubt in my mind that she was gonna come back. The only doubt in my mind now is my reaction to her when she does.

A huge part wants to stay far away...but psychic says that I am supposed to be with her. Now do we all understand FiFi's mass confusion and sadness and terror? I will not be with an abuser again. But I have this frickin destiny that almost assures it will happen. Lovely, huh??

Anyway, there's a juicy middle to the story (a creamy filled center, heehee) I have left out. The karma shit is weighing on my mind so I had to express this stuff.

Stay tuned...

What happened to the love that would last for an eternity?

...Eternities aren't as long as they used to be...



Well...my partner in crime got busted...so it's only fair that I bust myself. Your beloved FiFi isn't the sweet, innocent darling you may have thought.


What? Are you crazy?



Well, you are if you ever thought I was sweet or innocent. While, I can be both, hopefully you've read enough to see that I also have a spectacularly lovely deviant side.



Before we get down to the nitty gritty, let me first say...L WORD...Max is preggers...WTF? Sooooo predictable...And Jenny and Shane together...I would've hoped that Shane had better taste than that. Say it with me...EWWWWW! (In a---It's actually kinda hot kinda way.)



And then there's the drama of the birthday party. It has been decided for me that this year I MUST CELEBRATE... After all, Miss FiFi won't be getting beaten up for her birthday this year. (Not funny...yes... I know you're not laughing). But 'tis cause for celebration. Anywho, need to think of a clever title for my bash, as well as chop down the guest list a bit or find a venue to hold all my peeps.



More on that later...I've put this off loooonnnggg enuf...



I find myself generally to be a not so great liar. So...instead of lying, I tend to be silent. Most peeps, can tell something is up but usually leave me alone 'til I'm ready to come out with it. Such is the case of FiFi's latest adventure...or misadventure if you will.



Shall we start and the root and make our way to the leaves? For the past two months, I have been sleeping with...messing with...screwing around with...spending time with...having a dangerous liason with the dangerous Ex.



Yes...I know...Stop hyperventilating. Let go of your pearls. Who can really call it screwing around? Especially, when the two involved love each other. And while we may have had high aspirations to contain it ONLY at fucking...we were both idiots to think that feelings wouldn't run rampant. Those pesky feelings. That insane passion. Gets you into trouble every time.



In a sense, it poses a question, the feelings... Is it better to be unhappy with someone that bores you (*yawns*) or to be unhappy with someone that ignites passion of pleasure and pain? I'm not in a position to be asking that right now...stay tuned tho, I'm sure the answer will rear it's head only too soon.



The root. Yes, there was a void in me. A void that I had denied/overlooked/disguised. I'm sure sooner or later I would've noticed the void on my own, but she came along sooner. November. I got the "I'm sorry. I regret everything. I miss you terribly. I love you." text message from her. Actually, it was like a little letter of remorse and regret. This ignited the "How dare you fucking contact me, haven't you done enough??" reflex.



I sat on it for a few days, thinking the emotions that had risen would eventually settle. It didn't. I responded. We got to talking and I suppose talking led to, reminiscing, reminiscing led to missing and missing led to meeting up. We both knew what it was for. We made the plan. And we carried it out.

Let me first say, I should've known that I wouldn't be able to handle it from the first night. She had to call the current girlfriend (YES, SHE HAD A GIRLFRIEND) back. It irritated me, but there was some kinda info needed about a backpack or some shit so I let it slide. Moved past...relaxed. But this was most assuredly a foreshadowing of things to come.

We had a great time. Wonderful...she was so happy, healed, blah blah blah. After that came her intense if not FUCKING annoying fear of getting caught. I told her...don't fucking do this if you can't handle it.

Quickly, I grew tired of hearing about the girlfriend's baggage and issues and problems...tried to instate an agreement where there would be no more talk of the girlfriend. Yeah...that lasted for about 30 seconds. It came to where I couldn't handle it. I cut it off.

Yeah...that lasted about a week until the next text message came...

Stay tuned...busy busy...

Just your average normal weekend...survived a fire...performed a miracle...

Ladies and ladies!! Yes...FiFi is alive. Call me FiFi the Firefighter if you will. So...but anyway...I am just sitting on my butt watching my friend cook me dinner when all of a sudden she opens up the oven door to the Almighty flames of hell. Of course she does the obvious thing...closes the door and seemingly pretends like she didn't see the flames burst forth. Apparently, when my intelligent little darling was greasing the pan...she forgot to take out the paper towel and that is what caught fire in the oven.

Alas, we waited for the fire to burn out. It was truly not as exciting and terrifying as it was crazy and hilarious. And peeps say I'm a bad cook...well...honey's...Miss FiFi has never started a frickin fire.

I got this book for xmas...my favorite book from childhood. Yes, I am an adult...I realize this. It's Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Siverstein. It was a special present and one of my favorites. It's not an ordinary children's book...the drawings are adorable and the poems are insightful, meaningful, not just for children but adults as well. Anyway, my favorite poem in there is Alice. I picked it up this weekend and read and found this poem sort of coincides with how I 've been feeling about the next thing I'm gonna talk about. Here it is:

She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME

And up she grew so tall,

She ate from a plate called TASTE ME

And down she shrank so small.

And so she changed, while other folks

Never tried nothin' at all.

So, if you haven't all heard that FiFi the nutball is having her karma fixed by a psychic, you've been living under a rock. Been seeing her and she's been telling me some pretty fucked up shit, which has been driving me emotionally crazy. So, most people tell me that psychics are full of shit and they tell you exactly what you want to hear...however, these bitches tell me things that scare the testicles off me and I hear things that hurt and suck and make me sick and pissed. And proving from July, everything always comes true. ALWAYS! Even the bad stuff...

She explained to me that my heart would be broken twice before I found my soulmate. She didn't tell me that my heart would be broken both times by the SAME person. However, it does seem only plausible that the only person that would be able to break my heart would be the one person I love more than anyone else. She told me that in four months I would learn who my soulmate is. Four months to the day...I learned that my soulmate is the frickin person who broke my heart twice and who I was supposed to break up with in the first place. Um...can we all say WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean really, what the fuck? Apparently, all of this lovely bullshit had to happen so that my karma would be fixed and that we could come together as we should be. So basically, the person my soulmate was before the karma issue will be the same person in body but not in mind after the karma shit is fixed. Uh Huh...

I hope you're following me...cuz I rarely follow her and have to ask 20 ba-gillion questions to catch up. So, everybody hates this person, thinks that she's terrible for me and on and on forever and a day. When people found out that I carried on a two month long affair with this person, let's just say they weren't happy campers. But more so...were upset that I kept it from them even tho I was trying to protect them. Apparently, they love me no matter what I do...and no matter who I love. They just want me to be happy...

More on the affair shit later. I'm sure some of you peeps are scratchin your heads. Need to stick to the karma.

So, the psychic tells me things about my soulmate (well before she tells me the person is my soulmate, that is....SNEAKY BITCH).
1. I love this person more than I ever loved anyone in my life. (True.)
2. Communication problems prevent us from understanding each other. (True.)
3. When I'm without the person, I feel an empty hole inside me. (True.)
4. The person felt a closeness to me despite the fact that she has a hard time feeling. ( According to the person...True.)
5. The person has the same hole. ( According to the person...True.)
6. I can see the good in her when no one else does. (True.)
7. She is destructive. (True.)
8. I am destructive. (True.)

So...those last two...don't they really convince you that we should be together FOREVER?!? Yeah...mkay.

As she tells me this stuff, I become more and more skeptical. Yes, all of those things she said and more than I can't remember were true...but, it doesn't change the history of us. So, I have been struggling back and forth with this information devastated where my destiny is taking me.

I went to see her the other day. She had me bring a spool of thread. She ripped off three pieces. She gave me two that represented my karma and I had to throw them over my shoulder to symbolize my desire to rid myself of the bad karma. The third piece she told me to tie three knots into it. I did. Then she told me to crinkle it into a ball. I did. Then she asked me about my faith and religion and if I believed in all that stuff. I said yes. She told me that I was to go home...meditate over the string...think about two things I want in my life. When I was finished she said that I had to open my hand and unravel the string.

If the knots were still there, she told me she couldn't help me. She said that if I didn't have enough faith to remove three little knots from a piece of string...how would I ever have the faith to untie my bad karma... Makes sense, right? She then told me that if I unraved the string and the knots were gone...we could continue.

So, I did it. Reluctant the whole time. Thinking I was done for. I closed my eyes...concentrated...did as she said and when I was finished I opened my hand and unraveled the string. The knots were gone. I thought that maybe I was having an hallucination...or some shit...but no...definitely no knots. Needless to say, I (as well as several of my friends that have serious doubts in all this shit) was shocked.

Well, at least that means we can continue. Even though I am terribly freaked out. So now, I am having a major issue questioning anything at all she tells me. I believe it's true. She is not full of shit. And now I have to deal with this... pray for me.

I met her when she was a boy...We were supposed to be married then...Ah...Explains A LOT!

I am sorta kinda definitely nervous for tonight. I have no clue what is gonna happen.

I am afraid to learn the things that I am learning. I don't really think I like what I am hearing.

Is that okay?

Is it my decision to help only myself or do I have to save someone else too?

Is it selfish if I don't save the other person?

What did I do?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Yeah...basically everything is a ginormous question right now. I can, however, tell you that my communication over the last week has improved drastically from last week in the work area of my life. It is going great!! I don't know about the other parts just yet...but something must be working. I figured another thing out the other day that I forgot to mention. Remember how I said four months. It was four months TO THE DAY. Freaked?? Yeah...me frickin too.

Anywho...I'm excited for my weekend. Places to go...people to do!!

have a good one!

A lil' sumthin' from Ms. Rachael Yamagata from her song Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
As we hang our heads down
And we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

Shiny pretty girls that make the pain go away...

In the words of the hot and sexy Chris Pureka...this is the story about Burning Bridges. I had the extreme pleasure (you know where...heehee...) to see her sexy performance at Southpaw in Bklyn last eve. I would've thought by now that I had put enough dynamite on one bridge in particular to burn it to the ground. I don't think I have...

This is a story of burning bridges
and allowing time to pass
this is a story of forgiveness
and breaking things in my hands
this is a story of understanding
you can't choose who you love
and this is a story of soft skin
and rats in the walls

well you can't just pass along
the pain that comes around
you'll go dizzy until you fall
and I know you didn't mean to let me down
but you let me down so hard
this is a story of loaded glances
and leaning in too far

this is a story of vague advances
and confessions in smoky bars
so now I am walking down the sidewalk
and I am singing to myself
and I'm going to leave it all behind me now
'cause I don't need this,
I just don't need this

and you can't...

these memories are talking and talking
and I'll do anything to shut 'em up
I've got the pillow over my headbut they won't stop
no, no they won't stop

some fantasies are never meant to be realized at all
and some regrets could be prevented
if you read the writing on the wall
oh and sometimes you say "you know nothing can happen"
and then she leans over and lifts off your glasses
and the next thing you know you're just tangled and guilty
and you've got a head full of liquor and perfume
oh and when did you leave me
and when did you find her
and tell me is this just what you wanted????

hmmmm. sometimes i feel like this...

i am only wondering right now if when i'm done with all this shit i have to go thru...the karma repair...will i be allowed to tell her that she's my soulmate? will i be forced to tell her that she is my soulmate? will i not be able to tell her at all? will she just know?

I'll let Uh Huh Her say it for me...because I cannot put it into words...

You've seen the worst of me now

I'm all alone see

You lost me somehow

And what we're fighting for is peace

Are you still in love with me,

Or someone else?

I've seen the worst of you too

I let it go see

Because I have to

And when I'm falling on my knees

You'll take my hand in yours

What will be, we'll be

What's the matter with our ways

I'm missing something,not to blame

But don't you worry,this will pass

It's only cause my mind's been spinning

No control,I've lost my head

All of this is just beginning

Not enough,it's never enough

I'll only want to keep on dreaming

Cause are you such a dreamer?

Put yourself in my shoes

Careful what you wish for love

Talk about not understanding my destiny peeps...whoosh!

I am so profoundly sorry for my absense and I will be making fewer posts. I have a new job that keeps me busy as a bee...so stay with me and when I give you something, you can be sure it's quality...

Remember how I like to go to the psychic...remember how she is always right when it comes to predictions for my life...well, this weekend, I had sooooo much anxiety and shock over what she told me, I wanted to crawl in a hole. (The psychic that I saw this time was the mother of the girl I usually see. She has never met me before. She doesn't know me.)

Let me explain a past prediction and how it came true...basically, down to the day.

The psychic told me I would break up with my girlfriend in 3 months...that was Mid-July. We actually broke up Mid-September so it only took two months.

She told me that I would suffer two major heartbreaks before I found my soulmate...and she told me that I would find my soulmate four months from the time of my break up.

Sooooo...mid-September...broke up with the girlfriend (she told me that I would meet someone right away, but that this was not my soulmate) she was right. This person ended up not working out. I spoke to the psychic about this person in October when I saw her for the second time. She told me that if I really wanted to be with that person...I WOULD HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD. Which I didn't want to do...and it didn't work.

So...but anyway...two months after the break up, I entered into a dalliance (All I'm gonna say at this point is that it was a dalliance...a dalliance where MAJOR emotions were present.)

Now, it is two months later...almost to the day the dalliance blew up it my face. This was last week peeps. And I have been distraught...not knowing what to think...feel...do... Everything has been a mess (So, this would be the second heartbreak)

I feel completely empty and lost and afraid.

So...went to the psychic on Saturday. She told me that I had bad karma from a previous life that was affecting my communication with others. So, if this was not the MOST SURPRISING thing ever...All last week sucked ass and balls because of COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS. Geesh! It was perfect timing although it seems that maybe I could've used that info...say...like a fucking week ago.

She asked me if when I speak to someone...this typically has to be a loved one...partner...co-worker. Someone who plays a significant role in your daily life. Basically what happens is that I say something...the other person completely doesn't understand what I said...then they say something back to me...and I don't understand why they said. It's like we are speaking two different languages. I have been told more in the last week about my problems with communication than ever before in my life. And here's the psychic...telling me all about it and why it's happening.

So, she tells me that this bad karma will follow me and prevent my happiness for future relationships. That my communication will not recover unless I go back and right the wrongs. So...that pretty much sucks and upsets me terribly. I CANNOT COMMUNICATE.

If...I go back and right the wrongs, it will all change. So, she proposes this thing I do...and I decline...I get outside and both my friends say that I HAVE to do it. I cannot go on with the bad karma... So...we go back inside, and set the whole thing up. Now, thanks to a friend that loves me dearly, I will have my karma fixed.

I have been through one of the processes...and here is where I cannot speak anymore about it. I do hope that one day I will be able to share with everyone what I have learned. It is amazing, shocking and brilliant.

I suppose that I can tell you...It was FOUR MONTHS. You remember, it was supposed to take four months to find my soul mate. So this psychic didn't even know about that prediction that her daughter gave me. And...I'm not gonna tell you if she told me who my soulmate is or not...but before remember how I said that all of the predictions came true...well just rely on that bit of evidence to help you guess what happened.

So...now it's wait and see. I have to live the questions until I learn the answers as my dear Rilke likes to say. It seems a whole big mess that shouldn't happen considering the way things will go...but I have to fix the karma first. And what must be will be. And everything will be okay in the end...If it is not okay, it is not the end. I just have to allow the events unfold naturally...what has happened/is happening is destiny...and it will all be all right!

So...hope everyone is doing well. Miss you all terribly. Will try to keep you informed. And you can bet that if she tells me that I can tell, I will be telling :-)

Peace.

Something...funny...weird...and creepy that would NEVER happen to me

So my peeps...my friend said that I could tell this story...It's too funny in the I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS COULD EVER HAPPY kinda way.

I have this nutball friend who does some online dating...which I don't do anymore. For obvious reasons if you know me...but nothing like this has ever happened to me. She meets a girl online...chats her up and they decide to go on a date. She likes her...not thaaat much but she likes her enough to go on another date.

This is where I get involved. Soo...she's been chatting to this girl for about a month now and GUESS WHAT... I ask...What's her name??? Her reply- I DON'T KNOW! Um...you don't know. Yeah...that's not good.

How in the hell can you go on dates with someone for a MONTH and not know her name? Now, she's afraid to ask...for obvious reasons, but is also afraid that the girl purposefully didn't tell her name to test her.

Either way, my feelings are, she has three options:
1. End it now never knowing the girl's name.
2. Ask the girl her fucking name
3. Manipulate a situation (a la introducing her to the friends) so she can get the name out of her without her ever knowing that she didn't know the name in the first place.

Dear Lord! This is toooooo complicated for me. It would be a pretty funny story to tell their grandchildren...if it works out...