Talk About One Controlling Woman

*Photo: simonandschuster.com

Everyone She Loved

by

Sheila Curran

Imagine you marry a chick and one day she springs on you...Hey honey...If I die, I want my sister and all my friends to be able to decide if and who you marry. For the sake of the kids of course.





Seems like a preposterous idea right? Um...no. Penelope Cameron does just that. See, she has this persistent irrational fear that she is going to die and leave her husband, two children and prestigious foundation abandoned. So, in her wisdom and brilliance she decides to create a codicil in her will that her husband can only remarry a woman that the four main women in her life find appropriate.





Actually, now that I think about it...it's a DAMN fine idea. Controlling from beyond the grave is probably not what she had in mind. I think she's just a woman who loved her family.





Of course, tragedy strikes and Penelope is caught in the crossfire of a domestic dispute and is shot and killed.





Lucy, one of Penelope's best friends, takes her husband and children under her wing and into her home and surprisingly ends up in a sexual affair with Joey. They find they have intense feelings for each other, but this is quickly thwarted by a pair of cousins hellbent on taking over the foundation and getting rich. They send in a hot nutritionist to help Joey's daughter battle her anorexia, hoping this will cause Joey to want to marry Siobhan (who the friends DO NOT find suitable).





A series of debaucles including a lesbian sex mixup wreak havoc on the tightly knit group and of course, drama ensues.





Will everything get cleared up before Joey falls in love with the wrong (or right) girl? Ah...you will just have to read and see for yourselves.





Sheila Curran has a pretty darn good book with interesting and wickedly woven story.

A book about a struggling writer trying to get her act together and get published...

Ah…something I know a thing or two about. The Glamorous (Double) Life of Isabel Bookbinder ~~By Holly McQueen

Photo: Simonandschuster.com

Think Bridget Jones but instead of a diary she has a bonkbuster (that’s a dirty romance novel for those who aren’t down with the slang). Somewhere between getting her look down and falling in love, she has managed to convince one of the world’s top authors that she is really writing a book…which she isn’t. See, she’s not technically a writer per se. She wants to be a writer, but she is more focused on the smaller details such as what she should wear while she writes or what type of notebook to write in.

The antics this girl gets up to are insane, and seriously I laughed out loud almost twice per page. She’s Bridget on crack. And Ms. McQueen’s description in this book is brilliant. The way Isabel can shift her attention to anything and I mean anything but writing is too funny. I have experienced this too often myself. A piece of dust on the floor holds more appeal than writing it seems.

There’s a conspiracy surrounding the “book”, a tangled love story and a whole plot dedicated to honing a size 8. You will love it. If you don’t, you have no sense of humor.

Recap of a whole lotta stuff...sorry dudes, I have been SOOOO fricking busy!!!

Okay, I finally have time to update you with what's going on with me. I have been insanely busy with work and with my personal life so I haven't really had a chance to talk.

Let's start from where I left you peeps. The next day I flew to Virginia for a weekend away with friends. We went to stay at my friend's cabin in western Maryland.

Uh can you say RELAXATION??? First let me start by saying that cabin doesn't really describe the place we stayed at. Yes it looks like a log cabin, however, it has four bedrooms, three bathrooms, an entire wall of windows, washer/dryer, stainless steel appliances, wrap around deck. Yeah, so we weren't really roughing it. LOL!


We went to hike at the waterfalls which were beautiful. Here's a lovely pic of me about to jump!!!




We spent a good deal of time shopping. I scored quite a few very unique and awesome finds. We rode a mountain rollercoaster. (lemme explain: you are alone in the car, you are cranked up to the top of a hill and then the rollercoaster lets you go and you are controlling your own speed. Uh, it was frickin cool! Let's just say, I didn't really use the brake!!)

I took what I have so far of my book for my friends to read because they've been curious. So, instead of them taking their turns and reading it themselves, Mama FiFi sat there with a circle of peeps surrounding her and read the story like she was reading a bedtime story to little kids. Well, except this is NO bedtime story. I would get to words like pussy and clit and be like I CAN'T SAY IT. DON'T MAKE ME!!! It was quite funny. Good news!!! They loved it! Well, I haven't met a single person yet who doesn't.

When I returned, I was very fortunate to get an invitation to a party that one of my dear friends was coordinating. It was very posh and there were a lot of spectacular people there. One of which is my favorite...PEMA CHODRON!!! She is so amazingly adorable. When I got there she was going in right in front of me and we made eye contact and she just smiled at me. She has the most happy cute smiles ever...and she's ALWAYS smiling. She is so hilarious. From what I've read from her she seems like this very serious buddhist teacher...however, she is so funny and cracking jokes about herself. I LOVE HER!!!

Also that week, I went to see Chris Pureka. I love her so much. She is one of my absolute favorite singers. I also got the chance to break out my new style...hahaha...I wore a tie! Don't worry, I'm still femme, but I figured out a way to look hella cute in a tie. I got a LOT of compliments!!!

I had decided that I wanted to get the tattoo on my lower back covered awhile ago, but I finally put it into action. I took my design to the tattoo artist he drew up something amazing for me and finally this weekend I got part of it done. IT'S HUGE!!! I have to go back in a couple weeks for the rest!!! OY!!! Did I mention it is HUMONGOUS!!! It's 6x the size of the one it's covering.

Two Saturdays ago I was given VIP tickets to this Film Festival. It was all of these short films. AND THEY WERE GREAT. We got to hang in the VIP lounge. Sit in the VIP box seats with celebrities. YES, THERE WERE CELEBRITIES!! And we got to watch an awards show kinda like the Oscars for short film. We went to a crazy diner with singing waiters afterward and ate amazing food!!!

This past week I celebrated Cinco de Mayo by eating Italian food...LOLOL!! Yes, I roll like that. A friend and I are also now undertaking the hitting up of all the top 10 restaurants with the best burgers in NYC. First was Burger Joint in Le Parker Meridien hotel. Long lines, hard to get a table, but TOTALLY worth it!!

I also went to see slam poet Andrea Gibson, and if you've never heard of her, you need to. She is brilliant!!! Her words give me chills and make me laugh and cry.

So, as I said before Saturday afternoon was the tattoo shop. Did I tell you how HUGE the tattoo is? I just can't get over it. Saturday night I went to see Star Trek. Okok...how many of you fainted? I know, everybody's saying WHAT THE FUCK!?! FiFi watched Star Trek! Uh, YES!! And it was so good. I absolutely loved it! I recommend it to everyone especially if you have never had the desire to watch it in your life!!! Watch it! You will laugh your ass off!!!

After the movie, we went to Veselka in the village. It was past one in the morning so of course all the crazies were out. There was this dude screaming Obama sux!! And this chick told him that he sucks...and then he called her a whorebag. This other dude stands up and starts throwing coffee cremers at him. They start yelling back and forth which culminates in Mr. Coffecremer throwing a full GLASS (actual glass) of water at Mr. Obamasux head!!! Too exciting!

And then yesterday, I spent a lovely day in the park with crazy doggies. Dude, when you have a dog, everyone wants to be your friend. IT IS SO FUNNY!!! I went to a friends house for dinner. She cooked lamb curry for me. YUMMMMMMMMYYY!!! I drank just enough red wine to fully relax and watched that HBO show True Blood! Holy cow! It's quite quite quite good!!! It's about vampires and we all know how much I love my vampires.

So, that brings you just about up to speed. That's all I can type...my fingas hurt!!!!

It Bothers Me...

...slightly that I have a HUGE thing for Edward Cullen...you know the vampire from Twilight. I don't even wanna say it's the actor who plays Edward. It really is just Edward. I would only want the guy if he was a vampire in real life. DUDE!! Weird...at least I think so.

So the lezzies little boy crush led me to this song he wrote called Let Me Sign. The lyrics are beautiful. He speaks in metaphors that make the hair on my arms stand straight.

See for yourself...

She was standing there by the broken tree

Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me

I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes

She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky

She said ‘ Come on over to the bitter shade,

I will wrap you in my arms and you’ll know you’ve been saved’

Let me sign, let me sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

I was out for a drink in a soho bar

The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar

She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost

She was the woman that I wanted the most

As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand

I said ‘Lay me down easy let me understand’

Let me sign, let sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

As I walked through the door she was still in my head

As I entered the room she was laid there in bed

She reached out for me all twisted in black

I was on my way down, never coming back

let me sign, let me sign, can’t fight the devil so just let me sign.

Ever Swiftly Moving...Trying To Escape This Desire

Ahhhh...I love this song. It's so beautiful...so me!

Why Hello There PEMA!!! May I kiss your feet??

"If we'd waited a little, things would have been different......but you were only thinking about your plans and forgot to include me in them"
~The Witch of Portobello

Ever had one of those moments where you stop short...look around...pat yourself down...absolutely 100% sure you've forgotten something VERY important? You rack your brain...go over your routine...every last detail...until you realize...AH HAH!! You haven't forgotten anything ANYTHING at all...you've lost it.

Yeah, well, I keep having those...

I also got a tubular reminder this morning that in a little over a week I'm going to be in audience with the LOVELY, cute, sweet, cherub-like PEMA CHODRON!!! Excited? YES! It seems to me as a western Buddhist teacher...she is way way way deeper than Deepak Chopra. Donna Karen will also be there. I am going to try to ask her about the red glasses she made for Mr. Chopra...because every time I see him...he is ALWAYS wearing them (PS...they are red and sparkly...like Dorothy's slippers...just in case you wanted to know).

So, I've finished The Witch of Portobello. If you don't already know, Paulo Coelho is one of my favorite authors (if not my favorite...he's probably my fav...sorry Ms. Winterson).

I thought it was an AMAZING book. Great storytelling...brilliant and thought provoking...

Here are some of my favorite quotes...

"Like all storms, it brings destruction, but, at the same time, it soaks the fields, and the wisdom of the heavens falls with the rain. Like all storms, it will pass. The more violent it is, the more quickly it will pass."

"I came here because there was something missing in my life...I need to fill up my blank spaces..."

"Don't let yourself be weighed down by what other people think, because in a few years, in a few decades, in a few centuries, that way of thinking will be changed. Live now what others will only live in the future."

"You want to justify your life, to live it as intensely as possible. That is at once a trap and a source of ecstasy."

"...you've always tried to control the force that transforms everything so that your lives can carry on without being faced by any major challenges."

"...love fills everything. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held prisoner because it is a river and will overflow its banks. Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it..."

"could I please give her a message: the door was always open, and she was greatly missed."

Ahhh...profound shit HUH???

Busy busy!

I Forgot...To Tell You I Love You...And The Night's Too Long And Cold Here Without You...

Hello my widdle lovelies! Hope you had a great weekend!

Thank goodness I got out Friday night cuz Saturday was icky rainy. I stayed in and watched movies...

Doubt-Good but weird...the end leaves you in doubt, but I suppose that is the point. Dunno.

Seven Pounds-Okay, I figured out exactly what was going to happen in this movie about 20 minutes in. It's predictable, however, no matter how prepared you are for the ending...you're not. Be ready to cry...I was actually literally and I truly mean wailing at the end of this. It is just...well...I don't know. I absolutely loved Woody Harrelson's character in it!!

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button-First of all, it's too damn long. I had to watch it in two segments. I am a firm believer that if the story cannot be told in two hours it should be split into two films...just kidding, I just don't have the attention span. I liked it...although the old Brad Pitt, kinda freaked me out. The story dragged a whole lot. Cate Blanchett, of course, stole the show. She is amazing and beautiful!!! I picked out some of my favorite lines...

"We are meant to lose the people we love...how else will we know how much they mean to us?"

"You can be mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You can swear and curse the fates, but when it comes to the end...you have to let go..."

"Sometimes we're on a collision course, and we just don't know it. But it's by accident and by design, and there's not a thing we can do about it..."

And my absolute favorite...

DAISY: Sleep with me.

BENJAMIN: Absolutely...

I had a super fun time painting Easter eggs and celebrating Sunday...ps...the paint has finally come off my fingers...lol!


LYLASF---FiFi

Seeeeeeee...NOW I HAVE BACK UP!!!

I found this article last week on Yahoo News...take a frickin look!!!

Losing It: Why Self Control Is Not Natural

Meredith Small

Fri Apr 10, 9:45 am ET

After dinner last night, I lost my usual self-control and ate half a box of cookies. No wonder. My self-control had been under pressure all day. I righteously refused a muffin at breakfast, didn't scream at my kid to get out the door although we were late, made a conscious decision not to run over a pedestrian crossing against the light, kept my fist from pounding on the table during a faculty meeting, and resisted the urge to throw an annoying student out of my office.But by 7 p.m., my self-control mechanism was worn out, and down those cookies went.The empty box would have been no surprise to Yale University psychologist Joshua Ackerman and colleagues who have discovered that self-control not only wears us down, even thinking about other people's self-control is too much to handle.In the latest issue of the journal Psychological Science, the researchers taunted subjects with the story of a waiter who was surrounded by gourmet food but not allowed a taste. Some of the subjects were encouraged to go beyond polite listening and actually imagine this poor waiter, to have real empathy with his situation. And then everybody was shown pictures of expensive stuff. Those who had put themselves in the shoes of the waiter, had suffered all that self-control as he had, wanted that stuff, no matter the price. In other words, just the thought of someone, anyone, depriving himself eventually makes greedy beasts of all of us.Apparently, it's human nature to be out of control. Imagine our early ancestors roaming the savannah looking for food. They might bring down a gazelle, but that meat was probably not enough for some of the group. As soon as they wiped their mouths, those lacking self-control were probably off again on the hunt because they could not deny themselves anything.Such an attitude was probably adaptive. It kept the group on the take, always looking, always wanting, always getting, and those who wanted more surely lived longer and passed on more genes that those who sat around the first gazelle and said, "We'll, I'm satisfied," not imagining they would be hungry again soon.The need for self-control must have come much later, and in other spheres than food. Group living, for example, takes great self-control; it takes a lot to live with people day after day and not kill them, and so those more reflective humans who could keep their anger in check probably did well once humans settled into communities.But that kind of self-control has become so painful in the modern world because there is so much to want, so much to tempt our restraint. We live in busy, complex communities surrounded by desirable goods and fun ideas, and so all day, every day, we hold back. And we see that most everyone else is holding back too. We are hit hard by both our own weary self-control as well as the exhausting empathy we apparently have for everyone else's self-control.It really is too much. It makes perfect sense that we sometimes lose it and eat half, or even a whole, box of cookies in one sitting.

These Violent Delights Have Violent Ends

"And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

Which as they kiss consume"

W.Shakespeare-Romeo & Juliet

K, so my cousin and I were chatting the other day, and she asked me if I have seen the trailer for the movie 2012. Apparently, the world is gonna come to an end in 2012. Good to know, right?!

So, she's telling me about this movie that (and this is great news for us) will show us exactly how we will meet our final demise. FUN!! She tells me that I haaaavvve to watch the trailer. It's so funny because this Dalai Lama looking monk guy is running in the mountains...running like hell, he runs up to this little hut on top of the mountain and starts banging on a gong. As the shot pans over, we basically see an entire ocean of water just coasting like breeze over the mountains. I suppose he's trying to warn the peeps that they're all gonna die. So the water sucks up him and his little hut in all of two seconds.

So, but anyway, my cousin had the funniest thing to say about it. I'll paraphrase because I cannot remember exactly how she put it...here goes..."I just cannot for the life of me understand why this little man is running for Jesus up the mountain to his little hut. What's the point in warning them, they're already dead. If that were me, I would just relax in my final moments and let everybody else find out for themselves."

I thought this was too funny. So, here's the trailer below, see for yourself...

Birds Flew Backwards

What is up? It has been a busy week in FiFi land. Please excuse the randomness as I spew the several recent "events" fer ya!!

Ok...First, I am so extremely sad that my little darling is leaving me. I will miss her sooooooooo much. I want her to to have a safe trip, but I would like it better if she stayed...just kidding...not really...seriously, just kidding...

Second, I have this friend who will remain nameless that seems to have an affinity for turning "straight" girls. Or popping cherries. Yes, I know this is gross, and I use the term "straight" veeeeeerrry loosely. I've heard her calling it fluid recently. It's actually kinda funny/entertaining/slightly disturbing to watch. I never developed a taste for that. Although, I must admit I can see why it's so appealing...albeit the juice may not be worth the squeeze. Ask her...she's the expert. heeheehee

Third, I had the most hilarious "breakup" (if that's what we want to call it) this weekend. Okay so this is the cherry. Ready...? As most of you probably know, I have been "dating" (and again I will use this term veeerrry loosely) this chickita. Not that long, but apparently I am supposed to commit myself fully and open the emotional floodgates to her imediatemente. Collectively, we'll say....um...no...thanks. We are in the early stages of dating...we are supposed to be having fun, and all I keep hearing is that we never spend time alone, we are not getting to that emotional closeness, that higher level of connection that people are "supposed" to acheive RIGHT A-FUCKING-WAY! You can feel my trepidation here, right?

Me being the lovely lady that I am. I try to calm her down, explain that that will come in time, but right now we are still getting to know each other and it is NOT possible to spend every single waking moment together. Uck!!!

So, but anyway, let's get to the ball of fire that erupted this weekend. I was in a bad mood Friday...down....dumps...you get it, right? I told my friend I just wanted us to get wine, order takeout and watch movies. Later on, I was talking with my "friendgirl" (zhat is what we'll call it), cuz she most def was not my girlfriend. Mkay...I told her that I was down...dumps...needed to be alone, didn't want to take crap out on her, blahblahblah, you get it right??? She says, "Oh yeah, I totally understand." Uh huh. So I get to Trader Joes Wineshop and we are picking out the wine and friendgirl calls to see how I'm doing...um...I spoke to her less than an hour ago...I haven't changed. I felt bad for brushing her off and texted to say I was sorry and thank her for her concern. She responds that it's okay and that I really mean a lot to her and she was worried about me. Aww, how sweet, right? Now I can move on to my evening.

Not too long after, she texts again..."What are you up to?"---Um, I told you earlier EXACTLY what I was doing. I didn't respond. Then she calls...I don't answer...then she texts "I just called to hear your voice and say good nite." I didn't respond. Then she texts again "See, this is why I don't get close to people."

At this point I'm pissed! I had asked to be left alone because I was in a pissy mood and NO, she couldn't do that. I called her up and asked what the heck the problem was. So, we talked...which is what us lezzies do best (riiiigggghhhht) and all became well again.

Next day, me and friendgirl were having dinner and going out with my friends. YAY! And it went pretty much swimmingly...we were kisseyface and lovey dovey and la dee da. And so, all my friends got DRUNK and ended up crashing at my place...which meant I had five asses sprawled over my crib. Next morning, everything was fine...I was a little hungover but I was good. My friend and I started to make breakfast for everyone. My friendgirl was sitting in the living room with everybody and when I realized there was not enuf bacon and no syrup for the pancakes, I asked my friend to go to the store and also asked friendgirl to go with her.

Friendgirl gets pissy. She doesn't go to the store and instead sits moping on my bed. So...being sweet as I am...I go calm her down. She tells me about the alone time and the emotional connection and shit...and all I want to do is make breakfast for my full house. Again, I calm her down...for a kinda butch, she is HELLA dramatic. Oh, just wait...you ain't seen nothing yet!

Later, we all decide to head down to the park to play soccer, a Sunday tradition. We're all just walking along...enjoying the sunshine and I notice friendgirl looking kinda funky AGAIN! WTF!?! I had told her earlier that I was getting the feeling like we shouldn't see each other anymore because I wasn't able to give her what she needs, but she backpedaled outta that real quick. Oh nonono, I don't have expectations, blah fucking blah.

And we're walking...up and over the bridge and thirty seconds pass since I look back at her and now I look back...and friendgirl is GONE! Disappeared! Abducted by aliens, who the fuck knows?!? One of my friends said that she had probably gone to hide around the corner and was waiting for me to chase after her...well I didn't. I went and played soccer. NO DRAMA!!!

Later she called, and then the next day she emailed. My main concern at this point is that I won't get the book I lent her back!!!

AND NO...WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed!!

The road always traveled, but usually lied about to keep up appearances...

Memoirs can be tricky. Trying to keep yourself from looking like schmuck, while at the same time keeping the other cast of characters from being one dimensional monsters is a tad daunting. So when someone makes this attempt, they, as well as, all their readers must hope and pray for some creative tact...and a little humor on the side doesn't hurt.

Thank GOD Suzanne Guillette succeeded in this balancing act! Otherwise, I'd be pretty pissed that I picked up this book. Usually I find memoirists to fall into one of two catagories: narcissistic, blame shifters with God complexes or needy, approval seekers with pity me complexes. It is very hard to find one that I like and even remotely relate to.

And once again Thank God Ms. Guillette isn't one of these types, but someone who is able to see the flaws within herself as well as the decisions that she makes that put her into these awkward situations. Much To Your Chagrin is Guillette's first book. It chronicles the time she spent after grad school working on a book titled Oh Shit! And get this twist, Much to Your Chagrin is written in the second person so the reader always feels like she is in the hot seat. So, here's my attempt at summing up the book in Guillette's style...

After school, you decide to write a compilation book of embarassing stories. Stories that range from icky bathroom humor to relationship faux pas. You find an agent who loves the idea and perhaps the idea of getting into your pants. Said agent nurtures your idea until he gets into your pants and then pretty soon thereafter the relationship fizzles. You are not sure if it's his fault or yours. After all, you do have a pretty inked track record of failed (read: you leave a lot of broken hearts behind as you travel along this lonely dusty road called life) relationships. Throughout the story, you collect others embarassing tales, all the while, realizing ever so slowly that your life is filled with these moments as well as a few you don't like to talk about (ie. anxiety, depression, how you see yourself and the world). After what seems an eternity of debaucles you finally realize that you are not necessarily qualified to examine other's embarassment until you fully examine yourself.

Alas, a book about gathering embarrassment, revealing inner embarassment and telling the truth about who she really is to herself as well as the world is what results.

I found myself so tightly wrapped in a few of her stories that I felt as though it was my own personal story being divulged upon the page (and NO! it wasn't the second person narrative). I have lived these moments!

I applaud, commend and almost wanna give her a little hug for turning the pen on herself.

Photo: Simonandschuster.com

You get what you give...

So I was having a conversation with this girl last night about negative thoughts and negative attitudes. It is sooooooo much easier to sit and gripe and complain and whine and bitch and ...well...you get the picture. But if you notice, yeah, it's a lot easier to be negative but geesh, look at how it makes you feel. And then dealing with those awful feelings sucks...like totally sucks!

As we all know, I have been taking a yoga class for the past couple months. I have truly realized how much it is helping me. I feel calmer, way less anxious, way less depressed, happier...albeit I am dealing with some serious emotions along the way. It is very difficult to let go of those patterns that make your life miserable. It is very hard to walk away from that way of thinking, to detach it from yourself.

So, but anyway, that's what I've been doing. I am now trying to reflect positive thoughts and actions and replace the bad ones. It seems completely true that what you put out into the universe is what will come back to you.

I've seen manifesting signs of this already. Please be happy my little ones! Mama FiFi demands it!!

True Faith

You're gonna lurve this shite!!!

I want to see you hazy Dazed and Confused...I want to see you come, compeletly used up...

I wanted to leave you Completely pleased...Sleep drifting above you Sweetly released...
I want to see you smiling Weak in the knees...I want to see you come, come Completely pleased.. ~Semisonic

Heehee...dirty dirty girl! Who me? Fuck you!

This weekend was very interesting. I walked out of it only slightly injured...my widdle toe! Thanks to those who saved it and made it beautiful and sorry to those who yet again I've apparently fallen under the MIA truck...

Don't worry I'm here. I felt a ginormous sense of delight this morning. It's sometimes difficult to face ghosts and hope and pray and try to find your way back home again.

Ps...I am now able to do pose number 4...HOLLA!!! It entails my legs resting by my ears...yeah...someone very special will benefit from my new and very interesting flexibility...heehee!

PS!!! MY FUCKIN TOE HURTS PEEPS!!!!

Is there anyone out there....cuz it's getting harder and harder to breathe???

Oh my little dudeskies! I'm glad to be back...I wasn't taking to Camila soooo well. She just didn't fit me for some reason...so FiFi had to return.

Anywho, zee breathing. I hadn't been to yoga in about a week cuz I've been ballsack busy and I decided that neglecting my body and mind was the perfect way to have more time to do the shit I had to do. Well, lemme tell you, during our breathing exercises last night, I about burst. I'm laying there moving from pose to pose and damned if I couldn't control my mind, couldn't control my body! I had to do it with my eyes open cuz it was easier for me to focus that way which is not supposed to be the case.

I have been super duper stressed out by work stuff lately...don't worry everything is/will be fine, but frickin stressful, none the less.

I'm so looking forward to tomorow (aka FRIDAY!!!) and the weekend...busy busy! And I cannot wait for movie nite---TWILIGHT!!! Edward, my boyfriend...yippee! Yes, I'm still gay...shut up! He's pretty!

So but yeah, gotz ta peace out now. Mwah!!!

Lie down next to me, look into my eyes and tell me, oh tell me what you're seeing...

...So sit on top of the world and tell me how you're feeling... What you feel is what I feel for you... Take my hand and if I'm lying to you... I'll always be alone...If I'm lying to you...

Soooo...last nite I had a mondo dance party with my semi-permanent house guest. This basically consisted of taking out ALLLLL my dance cds...tiling them on the floor and playing cd after cd...song after glorious song and getting down and jiggy with our bad selves. It was a RIOT!!!

See my eyes, they carry your reflection...Watch my lips and hear the words I'm telling you...Give your trust to me and look into my heart and show me, show me what you're doing...

And preeeettty much Dido won out as the best eva...yes Dido...but Air (I think) came a close second. I love the relaxation and don't feel too bad that I missed yoga either. After the cwazy yoga session I taught Sunday morning, I deserved a break.

I'm feeling mkay...however nervous about some things I hafta do later today. Life is not always a bed of roses my peeps.

Looking forward to the bright possiblility of getting in some soccer time in el park this weekend... it's sooooo nice to get OUTSIDE!!! Hopefully the weather will change a bit shortly.

Hasta la vista BABY!!! Mwah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Come Back Home

We are back in business. And that's what the blog is...business. You will see shortly why I had to revive FiFi.

Hope you missed me!!!

...sing a little love song, my love, to myself. If there's something that you want to hear, you can sing it yourself...

'Cause everything is free now, That's what I say. No one's got to listen to The words in my head. Someone hit the big score, And I figured it out, That we're gonna do it anyway, Even if doesn't pay... ~~Gillian Welch

Okay...so...here's what's gonna happen. What's gotta happen actually.

I don't know anyone in Staten Island. Don't really need/want to know anyone there. So...when someone Googles my name and reads my blog in Staten Island...I can see that my previous request for someone to leave me alone was not granted. Clever...but I'm cleverer...

I have no fucking clue what you are still looking for. If you are looking for a revealing post on how I got fucked 100 ways to Sunday, you won't find it here. Miss FiFi is too much of a lady for vulgarity of that sort. And I prefer to keep some of the deviant aspects of my life to myself...thank you very much.

I thought of writing about how I had decided to become straight again or started dating Shane from the L Word or that I'm moving out of the city, hell, the state, the fucking country even.

I then realized that that would not work...nope. So, I am very sad to report the tragic death of one Miss FiFi Mandrake. She was an amazing gal! Beloved! Sought after! Worshipped! Adored! Loved the world over! Unforgettable! No one could match her wit, charm or beauty! She will be missed severely.

Fortunately, Miss FiFi's soul was reincarnated and will return to the world again shortly with a new more beautiful name and all the audacious, brilliant deviance that her followers have come to love so dearly. If you are a friend of FiFi, please send an email so I can reveal her new identity to you.

I will now leave you with these few last words.

What there is to learn, you will eventually learn for yourself. I had to. Everyone has to. You are going to find no more helpful information. In life, we must learn our own lessons and repeat the same mistakes over and over until we get it right. Unfortunately, I know the hard and long road that is before you all too well. It has always and continues to lead to the same dead end. You cannot learn from me or the ones that came before me. You cannot learn from your friends. You have to learn for yourself. And one day, it will be okay. While the end is very painful, we all get away or die trying. You and your happiness are most important. You just have to ask yourself...am I ready for all the sacrifices? Am I ready for the questioning, second guessing trust issues that never end (at least not for me)? Go down the road with eyes wide open and believe in yourself. You will find the answer. You will be okay.

Farewell...

Love and $700 Yoga

Ahhhhh...hello my persimmons...what is up??

I have been sooooooo crazy busy at work this week...no lunch breaks :(

Seriously, it's okay though. I am really enjoying my job these days. It's kinda lovely. I am getting into the groove and it's showing. YAY! The only problem...now I have two crackberries to babysweat. It's not too bad, things could always be worse.

I am feeling lots better thanks to my new yoga class. I had my first session on Tuesday. It was a private get to know ya session with the master of the center. He and I did some yoga...some breathing and he did like this healing thingy on me. He was pressing my body in the places that were blocking my energy flow and BOY did it hurt like a mutha fucka. So basically what my job here is...I gots to get my uterus area warmer than my head. Cuz as of now my uterus is ice cold and my head is warm. And zhat is not good my peeps...no good at all.

So, now I have my membership and I will go to class 3 days a week. I had my first group class last nite. We have to wear a uniform when we are there which is a cross between the karate kid and scrubs. Lovely beautiful white. Everyone there is so nice and you have to hug the peeps which freaks me out but I will have to ease up on my personal space issues.

I think I will learn a lot from this. We do yoga during the first part of class...which is mad hard but fun. Then we do breathing...which is killer painful but it centers you...then we do meditation and tapping, which is really fucking like totally awesome cool. At the end we stretch and I felt as though I couldn't remember where I was hurting before. I was so relaxed and peaceful. YAY!! After class we all sit together around this little table on the floor and have tea...which is lovely. We get to talk about our experiences during class. Since yesterday was my first class, I had a lot to say. Everyone there is super nice and sweet. I'm very excited about it.

And then...I have been watching the fifth season of Nip/Tuck. It has been nutso. Like really out there this season...but I still love it sooooo much. I finished the last episode and am wondering what the fuck is gonna happen next season. I just kept saying "Holy fucking shit" over and over...cuz Shawn got majorly stabbed by his stalker/agent lady, the lovely Sharon Gless (sweetheart from Queer as Folk)...and basically the show ended with him bleeding like mad nuts on the floor. Yikes! Say it with me...HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

I have the most mondo crazy weekend coming up and the following two weekends after this will be mondo crazy. Busy busy little beaver FiFi coming thru...(no beaver jokes please). There's the V Day party, the other V Day party, a writing cram session, and then my favorite nephew Kingston is graduating from puppy training, all with the culmination of my BIRTHDAY PARTY. YAYAYAYAYAY!!! So, I sent out the evites for my party...and yikes a buncha peeps are attending...me gots to call the resto and see if they can hold all these peeps. They should be able to....it's a big place. I betcha wanna know what I titled my party, huh??? Do ya? Do ya? Do ya? Well...okay....fine. It's called The most important person in your life is having a birthday. And the subtitle is It's me...FiFi...in case you weren't sure. Hahahahahahaha! I know you are totally pissing yourself right now. See how funny I is. Don't be jealous!

So yeah...right now...my life is all about love...yoga...peace...happiness and LOVE!!!

Peace my little ones!!!

I Feel Sorry For You...

"I can count the cracks in the ceiling all day long. I guess the birds they just went south, but I've got no where to go, it's 31 and falling, I've been dreaming of you darling, in case you'd like to know...God damn my wasted time, ringing all the bells. If I could hold my tongue, just long enough to get me through the door then you won't know...rewind the tape while your back is turned, fold my arms and pull the curtains closed, bury the roses in the backyard and darlin' never mind what I might have said, before, before, God damn my wasted time, ringing all the bells...I've got half a mind to lie to you half a mind to tell you everything I have to tell, to tell, to tell. I've been wasting my time I know I know better, and I'm tired of waxing sentimental, I'm tired of saying please, please, tired of waiting, I'm tired of waiting." ~~Chris Pureka

As you can probably tell...I loooooovvvve Chris Pureka. Her lyrics make me cry. Her songs are so amazingly beautiful. I highly HIGHLY recommend googling the song 31 and Falling and listening to her sing these unforgettable lyrics. So preeettty.

I am doing a lot better. Getting back on the horsey. YAY!

So take another breath...

open your eyes, see this is what you get, yeah it serves you right, and when it's all said and done, it always seems so predictable, predictable... ~~Chris Pureka

Ok...it's been nearly two whole days and no sign of zee stalker...so now I will say what I want to say...finally.

As they say in Steel Magnolias...It's time...Shelby...it's time.

So...for about a month now, I have been really unhappy. Really...and I'm sure it's going to continue for awhile, but I have finally decided that something has to be done about it.

I have labored over my feelings, my soulmate, my destiny, my fate and a whole buncha other bullshit to try and figure out what exactly my next move should be.

I admitted to all of my friends and I will now admit to you...that I had really been hoping that I would get back together with my ex and we would continue our life together. That we would put all of our shit and pain and hurt behind us and move forward and love and take care of each other. I will admit that I had hoped that she would have decided that she was in love with me and that we would be together again. I wrestled back and forth with what that would mean and how that would work and how I would feel but I always wanted it deep down inside me. And you probably ask...FiFi, why? You were hurt so badly and went through so much to stay away, why would you ever go back? And the truth is, I really loved her and really wanted to be with her. I really thought if we got back together that it would be different this time. I really did. I hoped that if the back and forth would stop and that we both came back together that everything would have been okay.

And she walked away from me again. And whether or not that was supposed to happen again, it still hurts...no matter if it was destiny for her to break my heart twice. I have been contemplating the importance of being with my soulmate. I do not discount that my ex is my soulmate...and actually some of my friends agree that the psychic may be right about that. And if you know my friends...that is a humongous, like really big thing for them to admit.

I sometimes find myself thinking about all of the things that we did together, things that made me so happy. I have spent a lot of time cataloguing our life and happiness...and trying to see all of that above the misery I feel. And so, now I cry a whole lot. I have ten zillion little and big moments where I can just see us looking at each other and laughing about how we both are and the little nuances that no one ever saw but us.

So, I understand why it is exceptionally hard for me to let go because I saw the angel that lives in her. That being said...I will now have to let go. I want to tell her to come back, but I am afraid and really can't handle the prospect of being rejected again. My friend tells me never to be afraid to communicate...but I am afraid to put myself out there again only to be pushed away and walked out on...left without a trace as has happened before. I can't wait as I did last time for her to be ready to come back. I shouldn't have to wait for someone to decide that they love me and want to be with me. I deserve to be showered with love.

So...It is time for me to look for love again, and not temporary fixes, one night stands and meaningless encounters. Real love. A true, bonafide relationship. That is what I want. I don't want anything that includes emptiness anymore. I won't accept anything less than great. I want something real and tangible. My friends are all ready and up for the task of finding me Ms. Right. Some owe me since I brought them love. And some just really want to see me light up and be happy again.

The thought of blocking emails and changing my phone number makes me physically ill. To be permanently cut off from this person I love seems so awful and painful. I always feel like I want her to be able to reach me, but I don't think it's healthy. I don't want to hear in a month or two that she made a huge mistake all over again and that she regrets it all over again and I get sucked back in all over again. There has to be a point when everyone needs to learn that actions have consequences and that regretting the action doesn't always excuse the behavior and open the door to a reconnection. It can't mean that anymore. Otherwise, I feel pathetic.

The hole inside of me will just have to be there until I fill it up again. I will have to cry and live with the hole. Another of my friends told me to just sit and cry...cry cry cry until I cannot cry anymore. I always hate crying, but I think I'm getting pretty good at it now...haha.

I have decided to go to this healing woman. I have decided to start taking this new age-y yoga class. Apparently both of these things are life changing according to a close source. I have decided to read and write again and look after myself. I haven't been doing that for the past month. I have been preettty darn depressed...lost a lot more weight and have been super tired. And with my new job, new responsibilites, I need to really take care of myself.

I am so very lucky to have friends that love me no matter what I do, think, believe or say. It makes me so happy to know that I can say to them how I feel, even if it is something that they probably don't want me to feel.

I know it will get better. I have faith in myself to move on and be happy again.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I just got the Stephanie Meyer's book The Host. I have plans to go hang with some friends and also a little day trip planned.

It's time...FiFi...It's time.

"So I change the subject and I put on my best smile, so you won't notice, so you won't notice what's wrong. So don't you ask me, no please don't ask me, 'cause I don't dare tell you, exactly what's on my mind. It might be an ordinary day, but it seems like more than that to me...I've gathered these pages of words left unspoken, letters I didn't send you would fall right from my fingers. If you said I could put my hands where I want to, set fire to the bedroom. If you said I could put it all out on the table, throw the maps right out the window... Oh there you are, it's so good to see you, it's so good to see you, I wish you could stay." ~~Chris Pureka

Change Effected

Ahhhhh...relief....sweet relief! After my biting yet truthful post yesterday, it appears as though I am being stalked no more. It seems I have gotten my message across loud and clear.

I felt sorta bad about the way I did it, but really, what other option did I have? Really? I felt my creativity was sort of stifled by the fact that I was being spied upon.

I understand the desire to know what someone may or may not be doing and not divulging...however, it seems ridiculous to stalk me in order to try to ascertain that information.

If you have to resort to this measure, it seems obvious that this person may not be worth the effort that goes into tracking their every move. I also understand the desire to gain insight into a person by reading another person's thoughts of them, but really, it was just getting out of hand. And creeping me out. I don't want to be someone's only portal into the secret life and deeds of another person.

That being said...allow me to bring us all back to the wonderful world of FiFi. I wish that person the best of luck with their less than lucky situation and hope that she proceeds with a modicum of caution and doesn't suffer the way I have.

Welcome back FiFi-followers...tomorrow we shall return to business as usual.

PEACE MUTHAS!!!

How Can I Be Of Service To You?

So...yeah...I've noticed a vicious pattern here lately. I have this thing called a blog tracker. I started it so that I could see how many hits my blog got. So...basically what this also means is that I can see with date and time stamp every single time someone accesses my blog...even if the IP changes. I still know who it is, especially when some psycho accesses it sometimes up to 10x a day. (It's okay...keep reading...don't worry, you've already been tracked).


Since you are not the first stalker I've had, I've become adept in noticing this kind of weird shit. So yes, I know who you are. Sorry, to burst your bubble.

The pressing question remains...what is it exactly that you are looking for? I don't know if you are looking for information...if so, I think that you have gotten enough from all the months of posts on here. If you are looking for any details of current or future plans for a rendezvous, you will be sorely disappointed. I'm not going to spill. Just remember, it's unnecessary drama and you don't want to know, right?

I have racked my brain for every disparaging remark I have heard, any hurtful detail I can remember to write on here to get you to go away and still you come. I have had enough. I don't get to write what I want to write about anymore. I know my writing is good, but this is simply uncalled for.

So, here I give you a list of my suggestions for things you could do instead of stalk me:
1. Get a job.
2. Take care of your kid.
3. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
4. Take up knitting.
5. Get a job.
6. Take care of your kid.
7. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
8. Paint a watercolor.
9. Get a job.
10. Take care of your kid.
11. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
12. Clean your house.
13. Get a job.
14. Take care of your kid.
15. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
16. Start your own blog.
17. Get a job.
18. Take care of your kid.
19. Find a better girlfriend who won't cheat on you so you don't have to stalk her ex.
20. GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! Jesus!

Peace out!

Fed Up...

Dudeskies...I am having the BEST lunch ever. Mmmmmmmm....

Okay. So. The L Word. I'm not so sure how I feel about the Jenny/Shane romance. It seems almost incestuous, yet they do kinda sorta look remotely good together. It really is too bad Jenny has to die and that this isn't gonna develop much further....NOT!!! I hate Jenny...but the actress is AMAZING. And I am gonna be with Shane in the spinoff...haha. And I think the critique that Jenny gave Alice about her treatment was so fucking hilarious peeps. Pissed my pants.

But usually every scene with Alice makes me piss my pants. We share an almost freakishly similar personality.

And then, this past weekend I saw The Unborn. Holy fucking traumatic shit! That movie is so freaky deaky scary. I was crawling up my seat for the entire two hours. We went to see My Bloody Valentine 3-D but it was sold out...I was very depressed. I was so looking forward to seeing the killer fling an ax and having it appear as though it was coming straight at my head. YAY! Good times. Soon though. I will see it soon.

I also have started thinking about what the hell I'm gonna do with my tramp stamp. I got this tattoo on the small of my back at Senior Week in high school. And now I fucking hate it. So...I would like to have something designed to cover it up. Cuz it is just not working for me anymore. And as you all know, tattoos are my passion.

Lockdown-the state of being grounded and denied privileges

Lip Service-Verbal expression of agreement or allegiance, unsupported by real conviction or action; hypocritical respect

Fear and distrust both lead to the manifestation of nasty side effects…no not red bumps in your nether regions but in some cases worse…sort of. Anxiety and depression, and life is really not fun when you are plagued with these two fucking pain in the ass demons. I should know. Fortunately, I sort of found a cure for this…no I can’t spill it. It’s a very expensive cure, without which you will certainly suffer a fate worse than death. Just kidding or am I??? *mysterious scowl* I’ll let you ponder that…I can tell you it kinda sorta maybe possibly requires small bank, ya know what I’m sayin. Meanwhile…thank God it’s over and better and calmer and serene and lah dee dah…cuz the alternative is lah dee die kill me seriously and a constant pain and agony that eats you fucking alive. And my lovelies, momma doesn’t want to be eaten alive.

And if number one above occurs you will almost assuredly get a response of number two. It is a vicious cycle. I should know. Eventually, you will fall off the ferris wheel. And it fucking hurts when you fall off the ferris wheel. I should know.

My bestest advice like ever…from Ms. Carrie Bradshaw herself…

“Enjoy yourself . . . That’s what your twenties are for. Your thirties are to learn the lessons. Your forties are to pay for the drinks.”

Smart lady. Sometimes I haven’t figured out why I race soooo quickly to the finish line. I’m still young. It’s not a race. I have all the time in the world to settle into the happiness and trust. It’s relatively around the corner. And my peeps, everything’s relative.

Personally, my preferred form of lockdown comes in the bolting of the door, drawing of the curtains, and handcuffing to the headboard and as for lip service, I’ll bet you can only guess where I like to be serviced by the lips. Ahhhh…pleasure.

Nighty night…wink wink.

Psychotic Defense Mechanism

Once a friend of mine explained the above term...

Psychotic Defense Mechanism--paranoid projection. This is considered a psychotic or reality-altering defense because of its massive distortion of reality. Like denial, paranoid projection actually revises the individual's perception of reality in a direction more acceptable to his desires.

Alternate Universe Much??? This was the term given to my Ex. Scary huh? But if you spend long enough with her you can see the alternate world all too clearly. And she admits it's true herself. Hmmmm...isn't it the worst tragedy of all to love someone like this??? Living in a dream world...with no hope for rehabilitation save for institutionalization or massive drugs.

Yeah...that's what makes me sad. It really is not her fault. I know that she doesn't mean to hurt me...but is incapable of doing anything else. Destructive nature to keep in a state of constant chaos.

This is the truly funny thing that was the main reason I responded to her in the first place. In reality whatever she wants/does/desires...she REALLY wants exactly the opposite. If she could take what she wants and do the opposite she would be happy. But she can't.

I only explain this to further my next point. Her inability to love. She once told me that her concept of love was so distorted that what she had with me (real love) seemed so wrong and foreign to her. She fully believed that she was not in love with me and she could never admit to the fact that she did. In reality, she loved me more than anyone else. It was her inability to express it that drove me to the realization that I was the only person she had ever loved.

See...she cheated on me one time. I found out and flipped. I was DONE. For days and days and days her reflex to keep me because the fear of losing me was so devastating kicked in. Here she said over and over...I love you...I love you...I will die without you...You are the only one that can save me...I will not be able to handle it if you leave me...and about ten million other more depressing lines. I withstood this for days...holding to the fact that she fucking cheated. It is ONLY now that I understand. She wasn't doing this because she LOVED me at all. She was doing it because she couldn't bear to be alone. I realize now that if she admits to love immediately she is only doing it to keep me. Not that she cares or wants it or any of those things. It takes her minimum of a year (from my experience) and millions of pricks of pain and heartbreak to realize actual love. When I received the text from her in November, I understood. We had been apart for two months. She had gone through the process of realization. No contact...nothing. She had the time she needed to process us in order to discover and admit that what we had was REAL love. Even though it was foreign to her.

I can laugh now that I was so oblivious to her actual motives when she made her grandiose declarations of love...they were false. I saw it only too recently when our affair blew up like a ticking time bomb. I know I'm skipping ahead in the story from yesterday, but I'll go back. The evening before she went to her girlfriend and confessed her sins...she was at my house. We were going over and over what we had been going over for awhile. What we really wanted from each other. She repeated all the same shit she had been saying. I told her that whatever she want to do. Do exactly the opposite. She told me that she couldn't break up with her...that this girl had never done anything to hurt her. Which was true. So instead, I asked her, since you are not really in love with her, you won't break up with her and cause her pain right now...only wait until something truly destructive, awful and devastating happens like it did with us. She cannot communicate what she wants...childish to the point of throwing a fit and all hell breaking loose in order to free herself.

So...she told the girl. (The explosion) She emailed me and said that she did. She told me that she loved the girl and was so upset that she did this to her and blah blah blah. Everything? Everything. Okay...I had learned a few weeks prior that their whole relationship was based on lies to begin with...so I wondered what lies she had spun at this point. This made me angry. I did not want her to break up with the girlfriend. I liked my sweet setup...despite my rage with the girl's constant calling... It was very lovely to see her, have fun, have sex and send her back to the girlfriend for the dramatics.

Enter...FLASH of realization on my part. In this same conversation she blamed me for her telling the girl. She said that I had ended it the other day. Because I couldn't handle her confusion. That it was my fault all this happened. Uh huh...so you don't love her...you don't want to be with her...you don't like her home situation and now you are going to be stuck back in there, miserable until you cheat AGAIN!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE FUCKING OPPOSITE??

I told her I wouldn't be with her. I would date her and see what happened. So...since she would be ALONE she took the other road.

She told me the reason she told the girlfriend was my fault. Gee thanks! I suppose. At least I am not the one this time that is combating her bull shit. She does what she needs to do to get back into her safe zone and then resumes her destruction with thrice force.

So, here is where I say that all of this is the MAJOR reason why the psychic telling me that my Ex is my soulmate scares the poopy out of me. I cannot go through this again. Psychic knows it. I know it. Ex knows it. I cannot understand where I will magically cure her. I cannot! The psychic says that the Ex will come back. Yeah...I didn't need a psychic to tell me that. There was never a doubt in my mind that she was gonna come back. The only doubt in my mind now is my reaction to her when she does.

A huge part wants to stay far away...but psychic says that I am supposed to be with her. Now do we all understand FiFi's mass confusion and sadness and terror? I will not be with an abuser again. But I have this frickin destiny that almost assures it will happen. Lovely, huh??

Anyway, there's a juicy middle to the story (a creamy filled center, heehee) I have left out. The karma shit is weighing on my mind so I had to express this stuff.

Stay tuned...

What happened to the love that would last for an eternity?

...Eternities aren't as long as they used to be...



Well...my partner in crime got busted...so it's only fair that I bust myself. Your beloved FiFi isn't the sweet, innocent darling you may have thought.


What? Are you crazy?



Well, you are if you ever thought I was sweet or innocent. While, I can be both, hopefully you've read enough to see that I also have a spectacularly lovely deviant side.



Before we get down to the nitty gritty, let me first say...L WORD...Max is preggers...WTF? Sooooo predictable...And Jenny and Shane together...I would've hoped that Shane had better taste than that. Say it with me...EWWWWW! (In a---It's actually kinda hot kinda way.)



And then there's the drama of the birthday party. It has been decided for me that this year I MUST CELEBRATE... After all, Miss FiFi won't be getting beaten up for her birthday this year. (Not funny...yes... I know you're not laughing). But 'tis cause for celebration. Anywho, need to think of a clever title for my bash, as well as chop down the guest list a bit or find a venue to hold all my peeps.



More on that later...I've put this off loooonnnggg enuf...



I find myself generally to be a not so great liar. So...instead of lying, I tend to be silent. Most peeps, can tell something is up but usually leave me alone 'til I'm ready to come out with it. Such is the case of FiFi's latest adventure...or misadventure if you will.



Shall we start and the root and make our way to the leaves? For the past two months, I have been sleeping with...messing with...screwing around with...spending time with...having a dangerous liason with the dangerous Ex.



Yes...I know...Stop hyperventilating. Let go of your pearls. Who can really call it screwing around? Especially, when the two involved love each other. And while we may have had high aspirations to contain it ONLY at fucking...we were both idiots to think that feelings wouldn't run rampant. Those pesky feelings. That insane passion. Gets you into trouble every time.



In a sense, it poses a question, the feelings... Is it better to be unhappy with someone that bores you (*yawns*) or to be unhappy with someone that ignites passion of pleasure and pain? I'm not in a position to be asking that right now...stay tuned tho, I'm sure the answer will rear it's head only too soon.



The root. Yes, there was a void in me. A void that I had denied/overlooked/disguised. I'm sure sooner or later I would've noticed the void on my own, but she came along sooner. November. I got the "I'm sorry. I regret everything. I miss you terribly. I love you." text message from her. Actually, it was like a little letter of remorse and regret. This ignited the "How dare you fucking contact me, haven't you done enough??" reflex.



I sat on it for a few days, thinking the emotions that had risen would eventually settle. It didn't. I responded. We got to talking and I suppose talking led to, reminiscing, reminiscing led to missing and missing led to meeting up. We both knew what it was for. We made the plan. And we carried it out.

Let me first say, I should've known that I wouldn't be able to handle it from the first night. She had to call the current girlfriend (YES, SHE HAD A GIRLFRIEND) back. It irritated me, but there was some kinda info needed about a backpack or some shit so I let it slide. Moved past...relaxed. But this was most assuredly a foreshadowing of things to come.

We had a great time. Wonderful...she was so happy, healed, blah blah blah. After that came her intense if not FUCKING annoying fear of getting caught. I told her...don't fucking do this if you can't handle it.

Quickly, I grew tired of hearing about the girlfriend's baggage and issues and problems...tried to instate an agreement where there would be no more talk of the girlfriend. Yeah...that lasted for about 30 seconds. It came to where I couldn't handle it. I cut it off.

Yeah...that lasted about a week until the next text message came...

Stay tuned...busy busy...

Just your average normal weekend...survived a fire...performed a miracle...

Ladies and ladies!! Yes...FiFi is alive. Call me FiFi the Firefighter if you will. So...but anyway...I am just sitting on my butt watching my friend cook me dinner when all of a sudden she opens up the oven door to the Almighty flames of hell. Of course she does the obvious thing...closes the door and seemingly pretends like she didn't see the flames burst forth. Apparently, when my intelligent little darling was greasing the pan...she forgot to take out the paper towel and that is what caught fire in the oven.

Alas, we waited for the fire to burn out. It was truly not as exciting and terrifying as it was crazy and hilarious. And peeps say I'm a bad cook...well...honey's...Miss FiFi has never started a frickin fire.

I got this book for xmas...my favorite book from childhood. Yes, I am an adult...I realize this. It's Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Siverstein. It was a special present and one of my favorites. It's not an ordinary children's book...the drawings are adorable and the poems are insightful, meaningful, not just for children but adults as well. Anyway, my favorite poem in there is Alice. I picked it up this weekend and read and found this poem sort of coincides with how I 've been feeling about the next thing I'm gonna talk about. Here it is:

She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME

And up she grew so tall,

She ate from a plate called TASTE ME

And down she shrank so small.

And so she changed, while other folks

Never tried nothin' at all.

So, if you haven't all heard that FiFi the nutball is having her karma fixed by a psychic, you've been living under a rock. Been seeing her and she's been telling me some pretty fucked up shit, which has been driving me emotionally crazy. So, most people tell me that psychics are full of shit and they tell you exactly what you want to hear...however, these bitches tell me things that scare the testicles off me and I hear things that hurt and suck and make me sick and pissed. And proving from July, everything always comes true. ALWAYS! Even the bad stuff...

She explained to me that my heart would be broken twice before I found my soulmate. She didn't tell me that my heart would be broken both times by the SAME person. However, it does seem only plausible that the only person that would be able to break my heart would be the one person I love more than anyone else. She told me that in four months I would learn who my soulmate is. Four months to the day...I learned that my soulmate is the frickin person who broke my heart twice and who I was supposed to break up with in the first place. Um...can we all say WHAT THE FUCK???

I mean really, what the fuck? Apparently, all of this lovely bullshit had to happen so that my karma would be fixed and that we could come together as we should be. So basically, the person my soulmate was before the karma issue will be the same person in body but not in mind after the karma shit is fixed. Uh Huh...

I hope you're following me...cuz I rarely follow her and have to ask 20 ba-gillion questions to catch up. So, everybody hates this person, thinks that she's terrible for me and on and on forever and a day. When people found out that I carried on a two month long affair with this person, let's just say they weren't happy campers. But more so...were upset that I kept it from them even tho I was trying to protect them. Apparently, they love me no matter what I do...and no matter who I love. They just want me to be happy...

More on the affair shit later. I'm sure some of you peeps are scratchin your heads. Need to stick to the karma.

So, the psychic tells me things about my soulmate (well before she tells me the person is my soulmate, that is....SNEAKY BITCH).
1. I love this person more than I ever loved anyone in my life. (True.)
2. Communication problems prevent us from understanding each other. (True.)
3. When I'm without the person, I feel an empty hole inside me. (True.)
4. The person felt a closeness to me despite the fact that she has a hard time feeling. ( According to the person...True.)
5. The person has the same hole. ( According to the person...True.)
6. I can see the good in her when no one else does. (True.)
7. She is destructive. (True.)
8. I am destructive. (True.)

So...those last two...don't they really convince you that we should be together FOREVER?!? Yeah...mkay.

As she tells me this stuff, I become more and more skeptical. Yes, all of those things she said and more than I can't remember were true...but, it doesn't change the history of us. So, I have been struggling back and forth with this information devastated where my destiny is taking me.

I went to see her the other day. She had me bring a spool of thread. She ripped off three pieces. She gave me two that represented my karma and I had to throw them over my shoulder to symbolize my desire to rid myself of the bad karma. The third piece she told me to tie three knots into it. I did. Then she told me to crinkle it into a ball. I did. Then she asked me about my faith and religion and if I believed in all that stuff. I said yes. She told me that I was to go home...meditate over the string...think about two things I want in my life. When I was finished she said that I had to open my hand and unravel the string.

If the knots were still there, she told me she couldn't help me. She said that if I didn't have enough faith to remove three little knots from a piece of string...how would I ever have the faith to untie my bad karma... Makes sense, right? She then told me that if I unraved the string and the knots were gone...we could continue.

So, I did it. Reluctant the whole time. Thinking I was done for. I closed my eyes...concentrated...did as she said and when I was finished I opened my hand and unraveled the string. The knots were gone. I thought that maybe I was having an hallucination...or some shit...but no...definitely no knots. Needless to say, I (as well as several of my friends that have serious doubts in all this shit) was shocked.

Well, at least that means we can continue. Even though I am terribly freaked out. So now, I am having a major issue questioning anything at all she tells me. I believe it's true. She is not full of shit. And now I have to deal with this... pray for me.

I met her when she was a boy...We were supposed to be married then...Ah...Explains A LOT!

I am sorta kinda definitely nervous for tonight. I have no clue what is gonna happen.

I am afraid to learn the things that I am learning. I don't really think I like what I am hearing.

Is that okay?

Is it my decision to help only myself or do I have to save someone else too?

Is it selfish if I don't save the other person?

What did I do?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Yeah...basically everything is a ginormous question right now. I can, however, tell you that my communication over the last week has improved drastically from last week in the work area of my life. It is going great!! I don't know about the other parts just yet...but something must be working. I figured another thing out the other day that I forgot to mention. Remember how I said four months. It was four months TO THE DAY. Freaked?? Yeah...me frickin too.

Anywho...I'm excited for my weekend. Places to go...people to do!!

have a good one!

A lil' sumthin' from Ms. Rachael Yamagata from her song Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
As we hang our heads down
And we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

Shiny pretty girls that make the pain go away...

In the words of the hot and sexy Chris Pureka...this is the story about Burning Bridges. I had the extreme pleasure (you know where...heehee...) to see her sexy performance at Southpaw in Bklyn last eve. I would've thought by now that I had put enough dynamite on one bridge in particular to burn it to the ground. I don't think I have...

This is a story of burning bridges
and allowing time to pass
this is a story of forgiveness
and breaking things in my hands
this is a story of understanding
you can't choose who you love
and this is a story of soft skin
and rats in the walls

well you can't just pass along
the pain that comes around
you'll go dizzy until you fall
and I know you didn't mean to let me down
but you let me down so hard
this is a story of loaded glances
and leaning in too far

this is a story of vague advances
and confessions in smoky bars
so now I am walking down the sidewalk
and I am singing to myself
and I'm going to leave it all behind me now
'cause I don't need this,
I just don't need this

and you can't...

these memories are talking and talking
and I'll do anything to shut 'em up
I've got the pillow over my headbut they won't stop
no, no they won't stop

some fantasies are never meant to be realized at all
and some regrets could be prevented
if you read the writing on the wall
oh and sometimes you say "you know nothing can happen"
and then she leans over and lifts off your glasses
and the next thing you know you're just tangled and guilty
and you've got a head full of liquor and perfume
oh and when did you leave me
and when did you find her
and tell me is this just what you wanted????

hmmmm. sometimes i feel like this...

i am only wondering right now if when i'm done with all this shit i have to go thru...the karma repair...will i be allowed to tell her that she's my soulmate? will i be forced to tell her that she is my soulmate? will i not be able to tell her at all? will she just know?

I'll let Uh Huh Her say it for me...because I cannot put it into words...

You've seen the worst of me now

I'm all alone see

You lost me somehow

And what we're fighting for is peace

Are you still in love with me,

Or someone else?

I've seen the worst of you too

I let it go see

Because I have to

And when I'm falling on my knees

You'll take my hand in yours

What will be, we'll be

What's the matter with our ways

I'm missing something,not to blame

But don't you worry,this will pass

It's only cause my mind's been spinning

No control,I've lost my head

All of this is just beginning

Not enough,it's never enough

I'll only want to keep on dreaming

Cause are you such a dreamer?

Put yourself in my shoes

Careful what you wish for love

Talk about not understanding my destiny peeps...whoosh!

I am so profoundly sorry for my absense and I will be making fewer posts. I have a new job that keeps me busy as a bee...so stay with me and when I give you something, you can be sure it's quality...

Remember how I like to go to the psychic...remember how she is always right when it comes to predictions for my life...well, this weekend, I had sooooo much anxiety and shock over what she told me, I wanted to crawl in a hole. (The psychic that I saw this time was the mother of the girl I usually see. She has never met me before. She doesn't know me.)

Let me explain a past prediction and how it came true...basically, down to the day.

The psychic told me I would break up with my girlfriend in 3 months...that was Mid-July. We actually broke up Mid-September so it only took two months.

She told me that I would suffer two major heartbreaks before I found my soulmate...and she told me that I would find my soulmate four months from the time of my break up.

Sooooo...mid-September...broke up with the girlfriend (she told me that I would meet someone right away, but that this was not my soulmate) she was right. This person ended up not working out. I spoke to the psychic about this person in October when I saw her for the second time. She told me that if I really wanted to be with that person...I WOULD HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD. Which I didn't want to do...and it didn't work.

So...but anyway...two months after the break up, I entered into a dalliance (All I'm gonna say at this point is that it was a dalliance...a dalliance where MAJOR emotions were present.)

Now, it is two months later...almost to the day the dalliance blew up it my face. This was last week peeps. And I have been distraught...not knowing what to think...feel...do... Everything has been a mess (So, this would be the second heartbreak)

I feel completely empty and lost and afraid.

So...went to the psychic on Saturday. She told me that I had bad karma from a previous life that was affecting my communication with others. So, if this was not the MOST SURPRISING thing ever...All last week sucked ass and balls because of COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS. Geesh! It was perfect timing although it seems that maybe I could've used that info...say...like a fucking week ago.

She asked me if when I speak to someone...this typically has to be a loved one...partner...co-worker. Someone who plays a significant role in your daily life. Basically what happens is that I say something...the other person completely doesn't understand what I said...then they say something back to me...and I don't understand why they said. It's like we are speaking two different languages. I have been told more in the last week about my problems with communication than ever before in my life. And here's the psychic...telling me all about it and why it's happening.

So, she tells me that this bad karma will follow me and prevent my happiness for future relationships. That my communication will not recover unless I go back and right the wrongs. So...that pretty much sucks and upsets me terribly. I CANNOT COMMUNICATE.

If...I go back and right the wrongs, it will all change. So, she proposes this thing I do...and I decline...I get outside and both my friends say that I HAVE to do it. I cannot go on with the bad karma... So...we go back inside, and set the whole thing up. Now, thanks to a friend that loves me dearly, I will have my karma fixed.

I have been through one of the processes...and here is where I cannot speak anymore about it. I do hope that one day I will be able to share with everyone what I have learned. It is amazing, shocking and brilliant.

I suppose that I can tell you...It was FOUR MONTHS. You remember, it was supposed to take four months to find my soul mate. So this psychic didn't even know about that prediction that her daughter gave me. And...I'm not gonna tell you if she told me who my soulmate is or not...but before remember how I said that all of the predictions came true...well just rely on that bit of evidence to help you guess what happened.

So...now it's wait and see. I have to live the questions until I learn the answers as my dear Rilke likes to say. It seems a whole big mess that shouldn't happen considering the way things will go...but I have to fix the karma first. And what must be will be. And everything will be okay in the end...If it is not okay, it is not the end. I just have to allow the events unfold naturally...what has happened/is happening is destiny...and it will all be all right!

So...hope everyone is doing well. Miss you all terribly. Will try to keep you informed. And you can bet that if she tells me that I can tell, I will be telling :-)

Peace.

Something...funny...weird...and creepy that would NEVER happen to me

So my peeps...my friend said that I could tell this story...It's too funny in the I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS COULD EVER HAPPY kinda way.

I have this nutball friend who does some online dating...which I don't do anymore. For obvious reasons if you know me...but nothing like this has ever happened to me. She meets a girl online...chats her up and they decide to go on a date. She likes her...not thaaat much but she likes her enough to go on another date.

This is where I get involved. Soo...she's been chatting to this girl for about a month now and GUESS WHAT... I ask...What's her name??? Her reply- I DON'T KNOW! Um...you don't know. Yeah...that's not good.

How in the hell can you go on dates with someone for a MONTH and not know her name? Now, she's afraid to ask...for obvious reasons, but is also afraid that the girl purposefully didn't tell her name to test her.

Either way, my feelings are, she has three options:
1. End it now never knowing the girl's name.
2. Ask the girl her fucking name
3. Manipulate a situation (a la introducing her to the friends) so she can get the name out of her without her ever knowing that she didn't know the name in the first place.

Dear Lord! This is toooooo complicated for me. It would be a pretty funny story to tell their grandchildren...if it works out...