Cheapened

I hope your turkey dinner was as lovely as mine. Thank GOD my friends can cook!! 'Cuz I certainly can't. Well, I can, but just don't really want to do it. So, I was the one to bring the wine. Which is perfectly fine by me. You can't fuck up the wine. Everybody loves the wine. Wine makes the world go round.

We had such a blast. I love my friends. In essence, they are my family. My NYC family. They are all amazing people, each with their own flair and personality that makes us all click into one big group of cool peeps. I spent the majority of my day laughing. We are all so damn entertaining. I feel bad, but one of my friends (let me just say, I was in a sarcastic mood) bore the brunt of my snarkiness. I love her to death. Since she has become a mommie though, her emotions were running high. Where she normally would have told me to go fuck off...she actually pouted (it was really joking pouting though). It was too funny.

So we were making fun of her that she's Australian. She, for some unknown reason, finds it horridly offensive to be considered Australian. So, I said "Just say the phrase We come from a land down under. Then we can decide if you are really Australian." This mortified her...so we googled the song...listened to it and watched the video...and all about pissed our pants as we sang along. It was this and a million other little incidents that made the day most excellent. Oh and how can I forget...another friend was cooking...she started spilling everything all over the floor...mind you...this was NOT her apartment. So basically she trashed a kitchen...that was not hers. It was the funniest shit ever.

Friends, YOU GUYS ARE A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!!! I would most definitely not be able to breathe without you peeps in my life!!!

I almost forgot...Wednesday night. We decided to paint the town magenta since we could all sleep in late on Turkey day. Well...well...well. I do love and entertain mischief as often as I can...as long as it doesn't come with a heaping side of bullshit drama. So I was a player in some misbehavior. It was all good fun. Hold the drama. Thanks.

And on to something a lil bit different...

So you all know that FiFi's been in a sorta kinda maybe absolutely definitely pissy mood lately. I have cleaned that up so we can move on...mkay?

What Goes Around Comes Around

Would I fall under that spell again

I don't think so anymore

But I don't know what's written

I'll be there anyway

Call it love I guess, hotter than the sun

You can appreciate it

Yeah...so...we always play dangerous games.

Once upon a time there was this girl I knew. She was easily entranced and lured by someone that could harm her. To partake in something and have fun was one thing. As long as it didn't get out of hand....unfortunately the villain always yanked it out of hand. It was quite another thing to run round and round in circles dealing with the villain's band of flying monkeys. As long as the villain didn't unleash the monkeys everything was fine. The monkeys were let loose...so fortunately the heroine saw an error in her way and saved herself from the clutches of darkness.

Hey love, your face is full of lies

Be careful what you ask

Be cautious how you act

You're tired, tired of the dark

Oh you're covered in dust, yeah

You're covered in dust

How can you fall from a

wound like that dear?

Don't mind, it's a common reaction

And you tell me everything is alright, you don't mind

How can you feel when

you're wounded like that dear?

And you don't mind

Waste my time

Do you realize, you're

caught in the middle with your alibi

You've been living in a dream

and you think "will I likely fall?"

Oh still you lie, based on the fact

that you will always hide

The villain's problem. The world was a lie. And slowly and steadily the villain realized this. And it was painful and sad. To have lost the heroine was the tragedy the villain could not live past. In the villain's mind everything was backward.

The villain loved the heroine so much...but could never accept it...would never admit it... ran as far as possible from it...sabatoged and ruined it. The heroine knew the villains problem. Villains cannot love. The villain masked the pain with grandeose guestures...the villain was lying when he admitted to the whole world that he loved someone. It was a lie because if it was real the villain would have run and hid as he had done with the heroine. The villain could not reveal emotion so when he did, it was not through reality but through the villain's secret world.

The villain had lost the heroine...and slowly realized that his life was a lie. He was melancholy. He tried to fill his life with the presence of another but was still empty. The villain lied and pretended but struggled with the reality of the vast abyss his life had become.

The villain knew that he loved the heroine. The villain realized that the heroine was the one. He fought her so hard and pushed her away so violently because she was the heroine...the saviour.. Alas, the villain wouldn't be saved.

The villain lived his days in misery and regret...missing...wanting...loving the heroine. He could not escape her...could not rid her from his thoughts.

The heroine was happy. Did not miss the sadness and pain the villain inflicted upon her. Had found a brilliant world of wonder and light. Immersed herself in it. The villain was defeated...the heroine lived extraordinarily spectacularly fabulously happily ever after.

What if I could

change the world

one day at a time?

The heroine can and has and will continue to do so.

The Thin Line Between Sex and Love

How do you have sex without being in love? What is sex if it's not coupled with love? Is there love if you feel good when you are having sex? How do you let go of the thing you have promised yourself you wouldn't let go? How do you keep from creating a mess and staying happy?

If anyone knows the answers to these questions please help me. Because I am so confused right now. I was going along smooth as silk, happy as a clam, floating on a cloud. I hit a humongous brick wall! HUGE!!!

Now, I'm not happy anymore. I feel sick and scared. I don't want to give up the life I have now, and I don't think I want to continue to do the thing I have done. Life is so hard. Living the questions to discover the answers is terribly painful.

I am not ready to love. My heart is still broken. A broken heart can't love properly until it's healed. Why don't people understand this? How can I be pushed and pulled and not snap in two?

I need a vacation from my life. FiFi has it hard right now.

Careful what you wish for love....

And by that I mean pony or turtle...DUH!!!

So, but anyway, remember the fossil. Oh, the HORROR!!! Renovation is a fricking nightmare. She bought one of those mother of hell televisions. So the contractors are trying to locate the stud so they can mount the TV to the wall and um....they can't find the stud! Where the fuck did the stud go??? This is really REALLY bad. I am worried that she will not survive this. They told her she could move back in before Thanksgiving...and what do ya know?!? It's not finished. I told her that would happen. But I am just a young dumbass so what do I know...HAhahaha nahnahnahnah boo boo! But I digress.

Remember how she also couldn't see. Well, what has it been two weeks...and the fossil still can't see. She has a hard knock life right now. So, let's all pray for peace, sight and the discovery of the location of the stud for my poor wittle fossil.

'Tis a very sad day when you can't find your stud.

Oh, The Mighty Fall

I am very sleepy today. I am drained actually. I want to go home to my bed this instant, pull the covers over my head and come out when the groundhog sees his shadow.

The weekend was good, but as usual, exhausting. Friday was ginormous group dinner, band and late nite partying. I partook in some very VERY naughty action in the Slope of Park. I don't want to talk about it. If you were there, you know. If you weren't there, you don't need to know. Let's just say it all went downhill after we hijacked a cab out from under two unsuspecting breeders! Holla!!!

I wrote a lot this weekend. It was necessary since last weekend was spent doing "research" and not writing. heeheehee

I went to that mondo party Saturday night...equipped with enough rice to feed all the starving children of Jerusalem. It was so much fun!!! I was a little distant though. I had gone into the rabbitt hole that is my head. Alas, I got to see one of my friends tied up...so that was fabulous.

Hope ya'll had a blast too!!!

Tie Me UP...not down

Confessions from one hot & sexy quirky bitch...

Yeah...that would be me. That's my new title. XXX thinks that I am hot and sexy quirky. Which if you haven't heard is the best personality to have. It means I am a well rounded individual. She said that when it's sexy time, I turn on my alluring glances and come hither stares that can make someone insane, but when it's funny time, I turn on my charm and can be witty and hilarious and that can make someone fall in love. hmmm...*dreams*!!!

So, dudes, I figured out my mojo...where it came from...how I got it...and how I can keep it going strong!!! AND I AM MOST CERTAINLY DEFINITELY NOT GONNA TELL YOU!!! Nonono...just kidding...it's my nipple confidence...coupled with my bush confidence...coupled with the fact that I know how to make a gals eyes roll back into her head. Just kidding again...now you're pissed...sorry...it's actually all of those things plus this bonus thing that I have and cannot teach and cannot give away. It's inside me. Sorry I can't bottle up the mojo.

And some peeps have asked me to spell out my personal ideas about dating, here they are:

For me, dating has manifested to a waste of time. I have become the type of person that wants things her way. So, for me, I still have the need to get laid, but don't feel it necessary to waste the time investing a lot of myself in the other person. Which I sorta haven't been sticking to with XXX...but I sorta still am...because:
1. I do all the things that I want to.
2. I decide what I want to watch or listen to.
3. I still have time for exercising. (make that 13 pounds lost as of this AM)
4. I still have time for writing.
5. I get to spend loads more time with my friends.
6. I am able to focus on things that make me feel healthier, more beautiful and as people say, what I'm doing to make myself "glow." (no, I'm not preggers).

So, why would I give up all that to spend time losing myself in what someone else wants? I am the star of my own show. And I really like it like that. I have been such a giving, altruistic person all my life...now I'm taking...I've earned it...I deserve it...And I have it in abundance.

There ya go ladies!!! That is basically it...not that deep.

I have a packed weekend (is there any other kind?) which I will inform you about on Monday. I'm kinda sorta nervous about having to cook something that will feed 40 people tomorrow. Pray for me!!! And for the peeps that eat what I make!!!

On to some funny ass shit:
1. I have this huge, FUCKING big ass crush on one of my neighbors. I live in a kinda gayborhood (read: LOTS OF LEZZIES). The vast majority of them are hot and cool, but this one takes the cake. I see her all the time...every morning when I am walking to the subway, she is coming back from the park with her dog. Nevertheless, I don't want that kinda drama so close to home (so I'll be saving her for the spank bank).

2. Tinkle Trousers: This is one step beyond the puppy pad. It's like a doggie diaper. It's so adorably freaky. I know a pup that uses them....not so sure he's a fan.

3. Sex addicts...After yesterday, I was a little afraid that my sexual acoutrements would classify me as a horndog. Apparently, after talking to one of my friends (one of my friends that was at my party, that was very quiet, mind you) and she was telling me about all the stuff she has...which is A FUCKING SHITLOAD OF SEX TOYS!!! Apparently, she's not as uptight as I thought she was (no wonder she glides when she walks). And apparently, I'm not as loose as I thought. YAY!!

4. Save the funniest for last. This guy was in the car with his kid...and someone cut him off and he yells "What the fuck?!?" Then...a week later his son is playing with a friend. He tries to play with his friends truck. And the friend says "NO!!" So later...the friend starts playing with the kid's book. The kid screams "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" His father comes in and tells him he has to apologize to the friend. And the kid says "What the fuck? He wouldn't let me play with his truck now what the fuck is he doing with my book?" Ahhh...lessons. Your kids hear everything and while they may not say it right away...they store it in their memory for a special surprise. BE CAREFUL!!!

Well are you such a dreamer? Put yourself in my shoes...Careful what you wish for love...

You've seen the worst of me now

I'm all alone see

You lost me somehow

And what we're fighting for is peace

Are you still in love with me,

Or someone else?

I've seen the worst of you too

I let it go see

Because I have to

And when I'm falling on my knees

You'll take my hand in yours

What will be, we'll be

That song makes me sad. It's so eerily sadly beautiful. Ah, well, I heard it on Magnolia this AM...made me have a feeling (not a good one, not necessarily bad though).

Sooooo...FiFi has decided to adjust her plan a wee bit. Considering the way it's been going, I'd be done with my little uncharted expedition by next weekend...which is not good. I need to calm down just a tad. This thingamajig was not supposed to take five seconds to complete. Will be working on it and tweaking it up. Mkay.

Sex Toy Santa came yesterday and brought me a bag of goodies. Geesh! I totally forgot how much dirty nasty stuff I had coming. Lordy! God! It totally takes over my entire underwear drawer. It sorta kinda maybe (read: DEFINITELY) looks like I have a sex addiction. So...betcha wanna know what I got...dontcha...mkay:

1. Prickly body scrubber that vibrates....with Creamsicle flavored massage lotion. YUMMY!!!

2. Sex position flash cards (that should be fun...like twister or charades)

3. The butterfly (it goes in your undies...use while cleaning, working, shopping etc.)

4. The Tongue (yes, I said tongue. I don't really need this...but it may be nice to have a tongue that does the job that isn't actually attached to a human with vocal chords that may possibly drive me insane...hmm...just a thought)

5. Body tape (I have handcuffs...but this stuff is WAY more fun. It's duct tape that sticks to itself...not skin....hair...coochies...etc) Very VERY fun for those that like to be restricted (read: ME).

So, but anyway, yeah, me thinks I'll be having a bzzzzing good time. HA!

A very pressing question has been on my mind....phone sex...real sex...phone sex...real sex...phone sex...real sex...phone sex

Which is better? It's very hard for me to decide. I suppose the answer is that real sex with the person you're having phone sex with would be better than phone sex. However, current phone sex is definitely better than some people I've had real sex with. You're confused now, right? Me too.

Law Student (I think we should call her Exhibit XXX, it's more fun) and I had a conversation about the toys. A wee bit of the conversation:

Me: I got this buzzer that goes in the undies to make menial tasks more enjoyable.

XXX: Hahahaha! Really? They make that kind of shit.

Me: Yep. They make everything these days. It even has a remote.

XXX: I see. Hmmm...so if you put it on and give me the remote, I can control how much pleasure you feel?

Me: I think you have to be within a certain range of me to do it...you may be too far.

XXX: That's depressing.

Me: Don't worry honey. To some extent you do control the majority of pleasure that I feel.

Later...

Me: I also got a tongue.

XXX: A tongue? I don't even want to know what the fuck that is.

Me: It's exactly what you think it is.

XXX: Well then...it will make a handy accessory to this conversation then.

Me: I agree. Ps...it even has taste buds.

XXX: Why does that turn me on?

Me: No clue.

And later...

Me: And then there's the body tape.

XXX: I'll be right over!!!

Dudskies...I have XXX's permission to write this stuff up. She thinks I'm funny.

***I think that's all I got fer yas today. Hope you are laughing and not thinking that I'm a weirdo...PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M A WEIRDO!!!

I am including this cute lil somethin' somethin' a friend sent to me. It is so true, sweet, and brilliantly insightful...

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!

Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe...That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.


'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.'

...something a bit more comfortable (ie-black lace) yum

My horoscope for today:

The people you love could use a reminder of that fact -- try to show as much affection as you can for them today. Have confidence that your friendships are real and strong, because they are. You are in a very healthy phase in terms of communicating and connecting with others. Others are trying to distract you from your friends, but you know what is important -- never forget that the people who are there for you now will always be there for you.

YO! My bitches! I love you! Stop by and see me today and I'll show you just how much!!! *wink*

Well...well...well...Band-Aid...hmm...didn't know you had it in you. That was lovely. Baby...you had to have known coming up behind me like that was gonna get you into serious trouble. You knew, that's why you did it. Alas, the effect from the cause of watching a film, a lesbian one, with themes of S & M and naked chicks was truly delicious. Mango me! I love it too much!

okokok...moving on....i'll get back to that later...on my own...without you people, thank you very much! I don't really know what to say today. There is really nothing that's pressing on my mind that I feel the need to talk about.



...No wait...I just went away from this for a second and BOOM, I thought of something. Am I great or what?

The subject called Taking A Bullet.

If you do not know what this is, you should probably watch the Sex and the City movie. It shows a very VERY good example of this. Basically, what this means is that you hear something, see something, remember something...etc etc. that brings you back to thoughts of your lost paramour, someone you liked, someone you wanted, someone you fantasized about, etc etc. So, this thing happens and it's like a trigger and BAM!!!!! You are shot. It feels like taking a bullet. That recoil...that pain...a distinct and very real physical pain.

I'm sure you know what I mean. One of my friends sent me an email about something that she saw and that was her bullet. Someone who wants to be with me heard something about me and that was her bullet. I told someone something about me and that was his bullet. Everytime I write I get shot up with a machine gun. I take bullets everyday, so I'm getting kind of used to them. It's like I'm creating a bulletproof vest, shot by shot. Love can be a very severely, awful, painful, gut wrenching experience.

...but as another friend says: I still contend that a loving relationship is worth the risk of going through that again. The thing to avoid are people who cause those "red flags" to go up if you know what I mean ... not relationships! Say "no" to people who don't cut it ... but yes to giving and receiving love.

Basically, say YES to taking bullets. I know this may sound dumb but it's actually quite true I suppose. I guess you never love otherwise...you never learn otherwise...you never experience life otherwise.

YAY FOR BULLETS!!!!

ps...don't worry Mz. FiFi is still on relationship hiatus but just wanted to share that pearl of wisdom for all you other peeps.

Something Confusing

There are things about myself that I do not understand. I feel so much better lately. I am extraordinarily happy...but...there is one thing I have a hard time moving past. I guess it will take a lot of time, but it seems so odd to me considering the way things have been going for me lately that I would still be affected by this.

My self esteem has been improving, but the part that still hurts and cripples me is that my ex was ashamed of me. Ashamed of how I looked. Ashamed of me and didn't want me to meet her friends. Now, I, in turn, tend to feel ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I am attractive enough or good enough that anyone would ever want me.

I think that this has been changing recently. Given recent events, especially the events of this past weekend, it has been proven to me that I am most assuredly attractive and people most definitely want to be with me.

So...despite the fact that people keep telling me how beautiful I am. Despite the fact that people are checking me out. Despite the fact that I've lost 11 pounds. Despite the fact that the way I've been dressing makes me look sexier. Despite the fact that I have two people that want to be with me in the worst possible way. Despite the fact that everyone wants to be around me (thinks I'm fun, amazing, totally cool). Despite the fact that I have this mojo that manifested itself to the point of being able to score any girl I want. Despite the fact that my friends want to steal some of my mojo. Despite the fact that I am exploring and feeling sexier and hotter than ever. Despite the fact that I am in control. Despite the fact that I make all the decisions. Despite the fact that I've been feeling great and being healthy. Despite the fact that I feel smart, funny, and adept in conversation and holding people's interest. Despite the fact that I've been writing (and it's REALLY REALLY good). Despite the fact that everyone thinks that my life now is amazing and fun and exciting and wants to live vicariously through me.

Despite. Despite. Despite. Despite ALL of these things, I still have that fear that there is something wrong with me. There is some hideous thing that people see that would cause someone to be ashamed of me. What is it? Where is it? I'm having trouble finding it.

It's because it's not there. I have to go back and remember that she was mentally ill. That her alternate universe never allowed her to see me. The real me. It warped and twisted to find things wrong that were not actually there.

So, now I have to repeat this to myself when people tell me I'm pretty. When people tell me I look great. When people tell me I'm smart. When people tell me I'm funny. When people find me amazing. When I start to feel like the feelings of sexiness are wrong. When people want to kiss me. When people want to touch me. When people want to fuck me. When people love it when I grab their tie and never let go.

It's these moments where I have to come out of that alternate universe and into reality. I fight it every step of the way. I have to realize that I am not that other person. I am me. Amazing, wonderful, beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, exciting, sexy, confident, dangerous, hot, fuckable, touchable, kissable, darling me.

Thank you to all that have been there for me helping me to open my eyes. You rock!!

A Tale Of Two Blondes

Ahhhh....laaaa....lllliiieee....daaaa deee. Okay okay okay, I'll stop.

It is so depressing to be back in New York. I had the most amazing weekend. Soooo many hot girls....soooo little time :-( Don't worry ya'll I did have time for a couple. My friends are amazing. I went to visit and they were going to teach me how to become an expert at picking up girls. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to need their help at all...only a push to open myself up...whereby I must've become more beautiful and attractive to people. We were in sort of a competition, more for motivation than anything else, for who was gonna get the most action. Let me start by saying, I had stellar karma on both Friday and Saturday night, I picked out a girl, and by the end of the night I had that girl. And I never even did a thing. They came to me. Yes, I was totally floored. I pray to God I brought this mojo back to NYC with me.

So, Friday. We went to a really awesome club. Really great music. Amazing DJ. I was not impressed with the selection of girls when we first got there. It was not until about an hour later when...the hottest girl walked into the bar...yes, my friends have classified her as the HOTTEST girl in that bar that night...um...well, except for me I guess. This girl knew everyone. She was talking to everyone, dancing with everyone, definitely mucho intimidating. I gave up hope for her after about five minutes. I could not even begin to think how I would get the social/player butterfly. About her...A bit taller than me...blonde...butch....baby blue button down...dark pants...hot sneakers...and wait for it...A BLACK TIE. Yes, I am a sucker for a tie. I guess you'll learn why in a minute.

So, but anyway, we danced. Very sexy dancing I might add. We drank. I became more relaxed and open. I started to notice her looking at me. Of course, I would catch her eye and look away like the nerd I am, but she was looking...okay...so then her friends all 500 of them (I kid) started to look at me. Smile at me. Dance near me. My friends started to push me over a bit into her area, but still I kept my distance. Then...her gay guy friend came up to me and started dancing with me. He was adorable...then....she danced up behind him...and then that smooth little fucker slipped out from between the two of us...and there we were...face to face. She smiled at me. It was over. I grabbed her by the tie and pulled her to me. She looked down...down my shirt...naughty. She grabbed me and we started dancing. She was looking at me like, how can this sweet and innocent looking girl be so provacative? She liked it. I think I scared her a bit with my dominatrix ways... *evil grin*. For the record, when I want to, when I feel it's necessary and especially when I'm provoked, I can turn into one hot, sexy, alluring, provacative girlie.

So, we shall end the story there. *double evil grin* PS...I have a tie fetish. I wouldn't let it go...

And then Saturday. We went to a new ladies night and this lounge in the city. It was packed. It was pretentious. The music sucked ass. After a bit, we decided to head out. We ended up at this crazy bar where it seems that everyone had gettin' a little somethin' somethin' on their mind. We were in there...oh...for about 30 seconds when I spotted a blonde bombshell. Long hair. Tall. Lipstick...in a dress. HOT!!! Hmmm? Not usually my type but she caught my eye. We started to dance. One of my friends sorta started dancing with her. About 5 seconds later she turned to me and didn't let go of me for the entire night. At all.

And...that's all you can have for that story. PS...when we called our friend for brunch on Sunday morning, he asked, "Where are you guys?" We replied, "Driving home."

During the days I lazed and shopped and had brunch with friends. It was very sad to leave for the airport on Sunday. Very sad.

By the way, I won the competition.

Oh yeah...I think Band-Aid may need a band-aid. From our conversations, all is not really going to be that well. I can't help I fell in love with my Friday night girl...

Love Is A Verb Here In My Room

This party is old and uninviting

Participants all in black and white

You enter in fullblown technicolor

Nothing is the same after tonight

If the world would fall apart

In a fiction worthy wind

I wouldn't change a thing

Now that you're here

Hello Beauties!

FiFi is traveling tonight on a plane. I can see the red tail lights heading for Spaaaain. Oh...And I can see FiFi waving goodbye...and...now you're jealous...haha.

I just need to ask a question. Why is it that the MTA insists upon testing your attention and agility in the wee hours of the morning? I am there minding my own business trying to get a few more minutes of sleep, and we start veering and jerking around like all hell. Um...hello...fuckfaces. The fucking train is on fucking tracks. It's not going anywhere. So can we please just have a smooth ride? What the hell are the new trains for anyway?? Geesh! Okay, moving on...

Mkay...so FiFi needs a little break from the city of 8 million. FiFi hath packed her toothbrush and her lowest cut tops and will be gettin' the hell outta dodge. I'm very excited about this weekend. It should be VERY interesting. More than likely, at least I hope, I will not be able to tell you anything about it...at all.

My sexy little band-aid has a slight problem with this, which I find terribly funny. Take a number and get on line. You'll get back up front shortly. FiFi just needs a little double D action---Disorder and Debauchery...Duh, what did you think I meant? *wink wink*

Speaking of band-aid, we had a technological OH FUCK yesterday. I don't want to talk about it, but let's just say that I learned a valuable lesson. Do not type, talk on the phone and drink coffee at the same time you send an email. Can we all say heart attack followed by uncontrolled laughter? It is always very important to be able to laugh at yourself when you do something completely moronic. Normally, I love gmail, however, I had adjusted my address book to avoid problems (but apparently deleting someone from the chat box is not the same as deleting them all together), so gmail and I aren't speaking right now. So, let's all just laugh at the fact that FiFi has her stupid bitch moments too just like everybody else.

Ahhh...I must retire and leave you to find your own dirty way. But allow me to leave you with these parting words...

"New blood. Fresh meat. Crispy!"

So, I Know This Fossil...

...She is my companion...ohhh...about 40 hours per week. Yeah...she's my coworker and she's older than me hence the title fossil. It's really funny how you develop a familial type relationship with coworkers. They sometimes seem to know you better than your own family...especially if you talk about personal stuff.

So, my little fossil is driving me bonkers. She is completely renovating her apartment. I mean top to bottom...dude...I mean every fucking thing, and I'm so lucky to get to hear about every single step of this whole remodeling process (just so I can be sure that I will never renovate my shit ever). Everyday, it's they sent the wrong tub...i saw the plumber's crack...my contractor cancelled and now I have one that is charging me $50K more (that sucks)...The lights above the bathroom mirror are not centered...they cut the air conditioner sleeves too high...I want a hot color (read: red) for my living room (yikes)...I have to move out for three weeks...I have moved out and now feel like a homeless person...I want my privacy back. I could go on for another 80,000 words or so, but I'll spare you lucky folks the pain.

And then, her glasses were bothering her. She said she couldn't see. You remember that she's a fossil right? So she went to the eye doctor. He gave her contacts...which made her soooooo excited. No more glasses. Listen to what she's got to say now. I can't see out of my contacts...They take me two hours to put in...I have to get up at one in the morning to put them in...And I still can't see...(she also got bi-focals)...How are you supposed to look out of these things...I can't see...I need to go back to the doctor...I spent 500 bucks and I can't see...I can't see...I can't see. So, you get the idea here as well.

Of course I take it. Because Lord only knows I have gone on and on and on and on and on about the woes of my life to her for hours and years on end. It's a give and take. I love her like a fossil mother. Plus, it cracks me up when she goes on one of her rants. It's like the funniest shit ever.

Lesson--Love thy fossil.

***So...there you go. You wanted me to talk about ya...I hope this makes you happy.

Ahhh...The Great Words Of One Mr. Brian Kinney

"I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest. It's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. Love is something people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid, and they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with."



While I'm not necessarily so jaded and cynical as Mr. Kinney, his words have their merit and wisdom. I have something very special for you all tomorrow. My two month check-up. I need to vent some things...I need to confess some others...and I need to work out from my mind to paper how exactly I became the relationship guru. Especially, when I now believe that relationships are fucked. At least, that's what I currently believe considering I'm in the state of "Fuck me...and then don't let the door hit you in the ass. Yes, I want wham bam thank you ma'am." Don't be so shocked at Princess FiFi. This is called---The Making Up For Lost Time Period.

On to my weekend...

Oh!!! what a weekend. Sextravaganza was A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!! Fucking brilliant. All of my chef creations were a slamming success (especially my orgasmic cupcakes). YAY!!! When I cleaned up later, the number of empty wine and beer bottles was tooooo numerous to count. I don't believe numbers go that high. Passing around dildos, rubber tongues, underwear vibrators and eating firecracker and creamsicle deliciousness off our bodies was probably the funniest shit ever. It was definitely a gauge to see how uptight some of my friends were. It was a blast...and in 7-10 days all my girlies will be having an extra special blast in their panties. You're Welcome!!!

Saturday...I recovered. Of course all of us crazy bitches went to Cattyshack after the sex party where we danced and got even drunker. I was even voted best dressed by a gay guy...which if you don't realize...that's like a HUGE fucking honor. Gay boyz have the bestest taste en el mundo!!!!

Saturday night I went to see the movie The World Unseen. Holy shit! It was soooo good. Go see it (if only for the hot lezzie plot, with the hot lezzie chicks). HOTTT!!! Of course no night in the city is complete without getting loaded at Cubbyhole before and AFTER the film. Hey...it was so close and convenient...how couldn't we???

PS...a tragedy occurred. Some scary freak boy stole a guy's laptop and jacket there. Lesson to be learned. Don't leave your fucking shit unattended unless you want a scary freak boy stealing it. Lightbulb asshole! I totally felt bad for him tho. Word.

Sunday...I recovered.. Hey...I'm not as young as I used to be.

That is all I've decided to reveal...any other occurances, events, and discussions are being withheld 'cuz some shit is just nun ya biznass!

I'm getting very VERY excited for my weekend of dirty debauchery that is coming up on Friday...ps...I fully intend on being the baddest little girlie from the time I plane on Friday to the time I de-plane on Sunday. There will more than likely be a whole lotta info withheld next Monday...of course I hafta protect all of my guilty ass friends...heeheehee!!!

Today = Sex Party

Thank God! It's finally here. Sextravaganza!!!! I spent all day yesterday cooking and cleaning and cooking and cleaning etc etc. I am sooooo exhausted. I made BOOBIE cupcakes. I'm very excited about them.

I made my own salsa, bean dip, quesadillas. I am Wolfgang Fucking Puck! That's right. I'm gonna start my own catering business.

Anyway, I am busy busy busy today, so I apologize if this is kinda short and sweet.

Hope everyone has a fabuloso weekend! I know I'm 'bout to. YAY!!!! Peace!

So...the Daily News stole my line

Someone at the Daily News must be reading FiFi Mandrake because yesterday I said If Obama won it'd be like Christmas...AND today the cover of the Daily News' headline is CHRISTMAS HAS COME...wtf?

I suppose I should be honored. Well, I will tell you, I shed a tear or two last night when they announced that he had won. People were laughing, screaming, dancing in the streets. It was so amazing and wonderful to see. And please....he didn't just win, he tore McCain/Palin a new one (I'm talking, now Palin will be able to take a moose cock...without any issue). I am SO proud to be American today.

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't that jazzed about Obama. I really REALLY wanted Hilary. And I truly believe that she would've been better. Unfortunately, our country is more afraid of someone with a pussy running the country than a black man. I say, Who the fuck cares what color your skin is...who the fuck cares if you have lips or balls? It's not what's in the pants that matters anyway. It's the mind...the brains. Alas, since McCain's brain is about mush at his age and Palin's head is most assuredly filled with air (seriously, the space between her ears is a fucking wind tunnel people) we at least have gotten someone who may be able to help the country get out of our MASSIVE mess. We needed a Democrat, the Republicans have dug a deep enough grave for us. We need a change, no matter how scary or impossible it seems. If you live your life outside the bubble, as I do, you learn a little each day how not to allow fear to control your life.

So, let's all pray for Obama, that he is able to effect change. I truly believe that he will have a ton of support because most people want to be proud of the country we live in and the way our country is now, we have nothing to be proud of. I hope that Obama will alleviate some of our shame!

GO OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!!

If Obama Wins...It will be Christmas. If it's McCain...It will be the Apocalypse

Please Dear God...let it be Christmas.

I love my neighborhood. It had an air of Jesus' birthday last evening while I was walking home. It must be a sin or something if you don't have an Obama sign in your shop window...and everybody's talking about what time they're heading to the polls. The excitement in the air is contagious. I had little butterflies in my stomach as I walked down the street.

I cannot wait to go vote today. Yes I'm sure that I will be waiting in line for hours, but that's okay. I'm young, and I can hold out a loooottt longer that those geriatrics that support McCain. I'm actually looking forward to the long wait with my voting partner in crime.

I pray to Jesus that we find out tonight that McCain can retire to the nursing home early. I really really really don't want to have to wait 'til morning. I'll be sitting in front of the tube fidgeting all night if that's the case.

Here is the most brilliant thing I've read today. It was written by my best friend. I think it sums up what all us nonconformists are all about:

Why I Voted for Barack Obama

I will try to make this as concise as possible and not criticize the other side for their choice. This is just some insight into MY choice. *I believe that every single person in this nation is EQUAL. Gay, straight, black, white, Christian, atheist, rich or poor, all ethnicities...I want to teach my children to be accepting and tolerant of people who choose (or sometimes have no choice) to live their lives differently from us. During this election process, I have been so disappointed in my fellow Americans and how quick they have been to judge people based on their skin color, religion AND political views. Truly embarrassing sweeping generalizations of people they know and do not know from both sides. I believe in the UNITED States of America and hope that one day we can put aside this garbage and achieve it. We all want what is best for this country.* On that note though, I believe that our policies should not be isolationist. We need to be competitive in a global economy and realize that we NEED other countries to be involved with ours. Our success as a nation depends on it.* I work for our healthcare system. It is a disaster. Premiums are going up and people are having to make hard choices. In my own immediate family, our premiums went up 500% when I was pregnant with Nate. Call me a lazy Democrat all you want, but rather than go bankrupt and live on assistance, we had to make the very hard choice to move away from our ENTIRE family so we could survive. Some people are not so lucky to be able to borrow money from their parents for this opportunity. Some people can't sell their houses. We are damn lucky we did. Thanks Chirag! ;) Some people can't find higher paying jobs in other cities. Some people cannot imagine leaving their family behind. Trust me, it is the hardest thing we have ever done. I believe the system needs a complete overhaul. I don't believe giving people $5K that will be TAXED does anything more than put a band-aid on a volcano. In this great country, people should not have to let their homes go into foreclosure because their employer-based insurance sucks.* I believe that life is precious. Not just the unborn, but the lives of our soldiers, our destitute (no matter how they got there)...our CITIZENS. I believe in the Catholic teaching of war as an absolute last resort, not a preemptive solution to the world's problems. I fully supported the war in Afghanistan and still do. But I also do not want the lives of all our soldiers that have been sacrificed to have been in vain. We need to fix the mess we made as best we can. We need to hold the Iraqi government responsible for their citizens now. They have a $60 million surplus, I am sure they can manage. I believe we need to understand that our democracy and the American way of life does not work for every nation, especially ones with centuries old religious wars that we cannot possibly *fix* for them. I believe that the Iraq war has left us vulnerable at home, in OUR country. Our military is stretched so thin.* I agree with Obama's stance of parental responsibility when it comes to education. Teachers are amazing, but it is not their job to raise our children. We need to actively participate in the education of our children at school and at home. No Child Left Behind is a disaster and has our children learning to pass tests instead of rewarding the critical thinking that is essential in the real world and the global economy. * I believe in the freedom of expression. Whether through art, religion, press, or speech; whether I agree or not. Living in an echo chamber is not my idea of a great nation. I believe we need to question our leaders and not accept what they are telling us, but research and get the answers and never let up. And speak up against what we feel is WRONG. And have the ability to do so without being persecuted, as long as it is done respectfully and without violence. "The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it to be always kept alive. It will often be exercised when wrong, but better so than not to be exercised at all. I like a little rebellion now and then.”--Thomas Jefferson. This great country was created based on dissent!* I believe that the Patriot Act is an assault on the civil liberties of all Americans. * I believe that women should be treated fairly and equally in the workplace. I believe that there should be no time limits on lawsuits regarding equal pay. * I believe that social programs are very important and a spending freeze will create massive unemployment and hardships for families. I also believe that people that share my college major will find it very difficult to get a job anymore.*Along these lines, I think that social programs and sex education will actually DO something to reduce the abortion rate in this country, more than making it illegal ever would. We need to have support programs in place for women who choose to keep their pregnancies and support the lives not only before they are here, but after as well. * I believe that we need to build this country from the bottom up, not the top down. I believe the middle class is the basis of this country. I believe trickle down economics does not and has not worked. I also believe raising the tax rate on those that make over $250K (sorry friends ;) ) from 36 to 39% is not going to destroy our country. We have had a progressive tax rate FOREVER. Reagan created the Earned Income Tax Credit. Obama is only promising to let the tax cuts expire to pre-Bush levels. * I technically OWN a small business as a private contractor. I pay the self-employment tax among other things, but it is what I need to do to have the privilege of my business and the privilege of raising my children at the same time. What people do not understand about the $250K figure is that is the NET amount. Businesses are allowed so many deductions that some do not end up owing a dime. You can gross $5 million, but net less than $250K. It is very simple math if you understand owning a business. * I see in Obama and Biden real family values. Walking the walk through their WHOLE lives.I do think some extreme liberals will be disappointed in Obama. * He does not support gay marriage. He is a Christian. He believes homosexuals should have equal civil rights, but he does not support marriages.*He supported the FISA bill.*He does not support reparations for descendants of slaves and emphasizes personal responsibility within the black community.*He supports off-shore drilling.*He supports faith-based initiatives.That's it in a nutshell.I am ready for the end of fear mongering and hatred of those that are different from us. I am ready to feel hopeful again about this wonderful country. I know Obama is not going to come in and magically fix everything that has gone wrong. I am realistic. But it's a start.