Psychotic Defense Mechanism

Once a friend of mine explained the above term...

Psychotic Defense Mechanism--paranoid projection. This is considered a psychotic or reality-altering defense because of its massive distortion of reality. Like denial, paranoid projection actually revises the individual's perception of reality in a direction more acceptable to his desires.

Alternate Universe Much??? This was the term given to my Ex. Scary huh? But if you spend long enough with her you can see the alternate world all too clearly. And she admits it's true herself. Hmmmm...isn't it the worst tragedy of all to love someone like this??? Living in a dream world...with no hope for rehabilitation save for institutionalization or massive drugs.

Yeah...that's what makes me sad. It really is not her fault. I know that she doesn't mean to hurt me...but is incapable of doing anything else. Destructive nature to keep in a state of constant chaos.

This is the truly funny thing that was the main reason I responded to her in the first place. In reality whatever she wants/does/desires...she REALLY wants exactly the opposite. If she could take what she wants and do the opposite she would be happy. But she can't.

I only explain this to further my next point. Her inability to love. She once told me that her concept of love was so distorted that what she had with me (real love) seemed so wrong and foreign to her. She fully believed that she was not in love with me and she could never admit to the fact that she did. In reality, she loved me more than anyone else. It was her inability to express it that drove me to the realization that I was the only person she had ever loved.

See...she cheated on me one time. I found out and flipped. I was DONE. For days and days and days her reflex to keep me because the fear of losing me was so devastating kicked in. Here she said over and over...I love you...I love you...I will die without you...You are the only one that can save me...I will not be able to handle it if you leave me...and about ten million other more depressing lines. I withstood this for days...holding to the fact that she fucking cheated. It is ONLY now that I understand. She wasn't doing this because she LOVED me at all. She was doing it because she couldn't bear to be alone. I realize now that if she admits to love immediately she is only doing it to keep me. Not that she cares or wants it or any of those things. It takes her minimum of a year (from my experience) and millions of pricks of pain and heartbreak to realize actual love. When I received the text from her in November, I understood. We had been apart for two months. She had gone through the process of realization. No contact...nothing. She had the time she needed to process us in order to discover and admit that what we had was REAL love. Even though it was foreign to her.

I can laugh now that I was so oblivious to her actual motives when she made her grandiose declarations of love...they were false. I saw it only too recently when our affair blew up like a ticking time bomb. I know I'm skipping ahead in the story from yesterday, but I'll go back. The evening before she went to her girlfriend and confessed her sins...she was at my house. We were going over and over what we had been going over for awhile. What we really wanted from each other. She repeated all the same shit she had been saying. I told her that whatever she want to do. Do exactly the opposite. She told me that she couldn't break up with her...that this girl had never done anything to hurt her. Which was true. So instead, I asked her, since you are not really in love with her, you won't break up with her and cause her pain right now...only wait until something truly destructive, awful and devastating happens like it did with us. She cannot communicate what she wants...childish to the point of throwing a fit and all hell breaking loose in order to free herself.

So...she told the girl. (The explosion) She emailed me and said that she did. She told me that she loved the girl and was so upset that she did this to her and blah blah blah. Everything? Everything. Okay...I had learned a few weeks prior that their whole relationship was based on lies to begin with...so I wondered what lies she had spun at this point. This made me angry. I did not want her to break up with the girlfriend. I liked my sweet setup...despite my rage with the girl's constant calling... It was very lovely to see her, have fun, have sex and send her back to the girlfriend for the dramatics.

Enter...FLASH of realization on my part. In this same conversation she blamed me for her telling the girl. She said that I had ended it the other day. Because I couldn't handle her confusion. That it was my fault all this happened. Uh huh...so you don't love her...you don't want to be with her...you don't like her home situation and now you are going to be stuck back in there, miserable until you cheat AGAIN!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE FUCKING OPPOSITE??

I told her I wouldn't be with her. I would date her and see what happened. So...since she would be ALONE she took the other road.

She told me the reason she told the girlfriend was my fault. Gee thanks! I suppose. At least I am not the one this time that is combating her bull shit. She does what she needs to do to get back into her safe zone and then resumes her destruction with thrice force.

So, here is where I say that all of this is the MAJOR reason why the psychic telling me that my Ex is my soulmate scares the poopy out of me. I cannot go through this again. Psychic knows it. I know it. Ex knows it. I cannot understand where I will magically cure her. I cannot! The psychic says that the Ex will come back. Yeah...I didn't need a psychic to tell me that. There was never a doubt in my mind that she was gonna come back. The only doubt in my mind now is my reaction to her when she does.

A huge part wants to stay far away...but psychic says that I am supposed to be with her. Now do we all understand FiFi's mass confusion and sadness and terror? I will not be with an abuser again. But I have this frickin destiny that almost assures it will happen. Lovely, huh??

Anyway, there's a juicy middle to the story (a creamy filled center, heehee) I have left out. The karma shit is weighing on my mind so I had to express this stuff.

Stay tuned...