So take another breath...

open your eyes, see this is what you get, yeah it serves you right, and when it's all said and done, it always seems so predictable, predictable... ~~Chris Pureka

Ok...it's been nearly two whole days and no sign of zee stalker...so now I will say what I want to say...finally.

As they say in Steel Magnolias...It's time...Shelby...it's time.

So...for about a month now, I have been really unhappy. Really...and I'm sure it's going to continue for awhile, but I have finally decided that something has to be done about it.

I have labored over my feelings, my soulmate, my destiny, my fate and a whole buncha other bullshit to try and figure out what exactly my next move should be.

I admitted to all of my friends and I will now admit to you...that I had really been hoping that I would get back together with my ex and we would continue our life together. That we would put all of our shit and pain and hurt behind us and move forward and love and take care of each other. I will admit that I had hoped that she would have decided that she was in love with me and that we would be together again. I wrestled back and forth with what that would mean and how that would work and how I would feel but I always wanted it deep down inside me. And you probably ask...FiFi, why? You were hurt so badly and went through so much to stay away, why would you ever go back? And the truth is, I really loved her and really wanted to be with her. I really thought if we got back together that it would be different this time. I really did. I hoped that if the back and forth would stop and that we both came back together that everything would have been okay.

And she walked away from me again. And whether or not that was supposed to happen again, it still hurts...no matter if it was destiny for her to break my heart twice. I have been contemplating the importance of being with my soulmate. I do not discount that my ex is my soulmate...and actually some of my friends agree that the psychic may be right about that. And if you know my friends...that is a humongous, like really big thing for them to admit.

I sometimes find myself thinking about all of the things that we did together, things that made me so happy. I have spent a lot of time cataloguing our life and happiness...and trying to see all of that above the misery I feel. And so, now I cry a whole lot. I have ten zillion little and big moments where I can just see us looking at each other and laughing about how we both are and the little nuances that no one ever saw but us.

So, I understand why it is exceptionally hard for me to let go because I saw the angel that lives in her. That being said...I will now have to let go. I want to tell her to come back, but I am afraid and really can't handle the prospect of being rejected again. My friend tells me never to be afraid to communicate...but I am afraid to put myself out there again only to be pushed away and walked out on...left without a trace as has happened before. I can't wait as I did last time for her to be ready to come back. I shouldn't have to wait for someone to decide that they love me and want to be with me. I deserve to be showered with love.

So...It is time for me to look for love again, and not temporary fixes, one night stands and meaningless encounters. Real love. A true, bonafide relationship. That is what I want. I don't want anything that includes emptiness anymore. I won't accept anything less than great. I want something real and tangible. My friends are all ready and up for the task of finding me Ms. Right. Some owe me since I brought them love. And some just really want to see me light up and be happy again.

The thought of blocking emails and changing my phone number makes me physically ill. To be permanently cut off from this person I love seems so awful and painful. I always feel like I want her to be able to reach me, but I don't think it's healthy. I don't want to hear in a month or two that she made a huge mistake all over again and that she regrets it all over again and I get sucked back in all over again. There has to be a point when everyone needs to learn that actions have consequences and that regretting the action doesn't always excuse the behavior and open the door to a reconnection. It can't mean that anymore. Otherwise, I feel pathetic.

The hole inside of me will just have to be there until I fill it up again. I will have to cry and live with the hole. Another of my friends told me to just sit and cry...cry cry cry until I cannot cry anymore. I always hate crying, but I think I'm getting pretty good at it now...haha.

I have decided to go to this healing woman. I have decided to start taking this new age-y yoga class. Apparently both of these things are life changing according to a close source. I have decided to read and write again and look after myself. I haven't been doing that for the past month. I have been preettty darn depressed...lost a lot more weight and have been super tired. And with my new job, new responsibilites, I need to really take care of myself.

I am so very lucky to have friends that love me no matter what I do, think, believe or say. It makes me so happy to know that I can say to them how I feel, even if it is something that they probably don't want me to feel.

I know it will get better. I have faith in myself to move on and be happy again.

I am looking forward to this weekend. I just got the Stephanie Meyer's book The Host. I have plans to go hang with some friends and also a little day trip planned.

It's time...FiFi...It's time.

"So I change the subject and I put on my best smile, so you won't notice, so you won't notice what's wrong. So don't you ask me, no please don't ask me, 'cause I don't dare tell you, exactly what's on my mind. It might be an ordinary day, but it seems like more than that to me...I've gathered these pages of words left unspoken, letters I didn't send you would fall right from my fingers. If you said I could put my hands where I want to, set fire to the bedroom. If you said I could put it all out on the table, throw the maps right out the window... Oh there you are, it's so good to see you, it's so good to see you, I wish you could stay." ~~Chris Pureka