Fuck! I fell in love with a crazy person!

Monday~September 15~NOON~Mindfulness is never boring just nerve racking and sleep depriving. ~ This is a quote from the inside of the bathroom stall of a seedy downtown bar.

On Friday night, my heart was ripped through my chest and shoved up my ass. No...this is not a joke...unfortunately. Here's how it goes....they tell me if I write it...peace will come. I've started to feel a little better already.

I went to a bar with my friends. I had such a shitty week and really wanted to relax with my friends. My girlfriend (although she usually refused to call me that) wandered in a little while later. We were both surprised to see each other. We had been fighting a little before, and we were supposed to have a night off. Well...God must've been planning on this one. Allow me to give a little history to this relationship before I reveal the fantastic ending.

I have spent over a year in my life in a relationship filled with emotional, physical, verbal abuse, as well as cheating. I have gone through it all. I am not without blame. I made every single choice to stay with her despite the mass disapproval of my friends. I have not been perfect. She cheated on me the first time (that I know of) last Thanksgiving. I knew that one of her old flames was going out with her. I was uneasy. The day after she called me and told me that this girl had spent the night but nothing happened. I felt very uneasy. When I returned, on the advice of someone who cares, I looked at her cellphone. Aha! She send a very dirty text message to this girl that she "DIDNT" sleep with?!?!?! I confronted her. She begged my forgiveness, and despite the fact that we were already strained due to the fact that for the first few months of our relationship she still fucked her ex-girlfriend on a weekly basis, I forgave her. I did not, however, forget. A few days later she asked me to move in with her. Primarily out of convenience since, her latest roommate (ps she is currently on her fifth roommate in less than a year) was moving out and she needed someone fast who could live with her. I loved her, despite everything working against it, and agreed to take the plunge.

It was pretty much traumatic from the beginning. I always looked at this relationship through some really fucked up positive and pretty stupid eyeballs. I refused to see that she was some sort of -path (whether psycho or socio I'm not sure). Sure, she was transgendered and suffered a lot of trauma from that. Sure, she was physically abused from childhood. She had the "pity me" going for her from the start. So, me being me, tried and tried to save her. Tried and tried to make her happy. Tried so many different things and still she was suffering so I was suffering. I should probably interject here that I'm somewhat sure that the fact that I was sexually molested as a child played a part in accepting the abuse as normal and allowed her to so easily lower my self esteem. Oh and PS...This didn't qualify me for the "pity me."

Not to say that there weren't happy times. Even in more recent months our relationship did get a little better. I'll tell you why in a minute. So, I put up with all of the shit for a long time...despite my friends begging me to leave. And then here I am living with her. Let's just say a month after we moved in together, she dumped me. She decided at that time it was time in her trans phase to date gay men. She pursued that to it's end a little while later with no luck. Needless to say, I was devastated. And here I was living with her. It was rocky, but I agreed to stay after she wrote me a heartfelt letter which I now see as pure bullshit.

At the end of February, it was time to celebrate my birthday. All of my friends were meeting up to celebrate with me. At one point in the evening, she started dancing with a friend of mine. (Note: She had wanted to celebrate my birthday with me and was there as my date.) She was acting sort of inappropriate with my friend (I feel to make me jealous). I could tell that my friend was mortified and uncomfortable, but a non-assertive person to stand up for herself. (She's such a sweetheart. I'm sure she didn't want me to get hurt. Too late.) So, the night was ruined, and later on back at the apartment, my ex changed into one of the other personalities and was trying to be sweet and sleep with me. Of course, I was pissed, and this turned into a vicious, vicious fight. (I will say here that at this point I did sort of freak out, start yelling about how could she do that to me...and blah blah blah...she tried to make me stop. I did not stop. I was so angry.) At this point, she snapped, and blow by blow I felt her fists pounding into me. Her fingers around my throat. It was awful. The next day we cried together not knowing what happened. And here I accepted half of the blame for this fight.

In therapy later that week, my counselor told me I had to move out. He told me that there was no excuse for physical violence...no matter what I said, did, or how I acted. I had a hard time agreeing with him. I was so far into this hole of a relationship...and I had not one single breadcrumb. Somehow, I managed to pull myself together, find an apartment, and then tell her. I didn't tell her at the start because I didn't want her to try to convince me to stay again. When I told her I was moving she flipped. I ended up paying for rent in two apartments in April, but I am so happy I did it.

So...I moved out. I moved out and then started dating her again. Yes...now you're saying...you asked for this...and I did. I did. At this point she had screwed her ex...cheated on me with another ex...asked me to live with her...broke up with me...wanted to date gay men...and beat the living shit outta me. And, yes, I chose to stay. A few weeks later, another fight ensued. I should say that at this point I was less docile and began to stand up for myself more and more. (Which she saw as accusatory and completely insane behavior.) She thought that I questioned her to death about everything, that I suspected her, made her explain everything, that I didn't trust her. Which I should confess, I didn't. And I'm sure you are saying to yourself...WHY WOULD/SHOULD YOU TRUST HER? Yes, you are right. I should've walked away at this point...and I nearly did. The fight continued for the entire day. And into the night. We met later for a play and she made a complete fool of me in front of her roommate. She treated me like a dog...less than a dog.

Here's my problem. I fall very easily prey to manipulation. On this night, she told me things my worst enemy would not tell me. So...I went home...cried (while she went out clubbing--and probably fucking). The next day she started calling...then she showed up at my apartment. I wasn't there to answer the door. She kept calling until I finally txted her back to say I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU! At this point, she begged and begged to see me. After a few hours of this...blah blah blah... I didn't mean it... I need to see you...I need to tell you something shit, I finally agreed.

When I met with her that evening, she told me that she had felt the entire time we were together (nearly a year) that she was too good for me. That some of her friends thought I wasn't pretty enough...didn't deserve her...Nonono...I didn't throw her out at this point...because she said she SAW THE LIGHT...oh yeah...the light shining out of her ass. Ah...yes, I took her back. Yes you are now saying NONONONONO!!!! You would be echoing the sentiments of everyone I know.

Okok...I know you want more. Bbbuuutttt I need to stop for now. I am drained. Part #2 will be coming soon. YAY! for cliffhangers!!!