Where to begin...where to begin.

Let's just say I had tooooo much excitement this weekend...and by excitement I mean I am sunburnt so badly I can hardly move. So the pain that is throbbing in my arms and legs is making it extremely hard for me to think at all, I will now attempt to amuse you with what small amount of wit I have left. I think my cells that carried all my wit have burned off.

Sex Toy Extravaganza

The weekend started off with a blast. And by blast I meant a vibrating sex toy blast. I went to a spa party Friday evening (which was desperately needed). It was super duper fun. I got a mani...a foot revitalizer...and a massage by Carol (an itsy bitsy Chinese lady with the strength of Hercules plus the Hulk). Can you say YAY? I felt so pretty. I highly recommend attending these if you're invited...because it's fabuloso to spa it up and it's even more fabuloso to get hammered on Cosmos while you're getting spa'ed up. So, you're probably still wondering about those sex toys. Well, this is the sort of spa that doubles as a bar/sex toy party (get your groove on and order up a ton of vibrating goodness). Which I did. I'm not sure if I should share, but when in doubt, always share is my motto. I ordered a G-SPOT stimulator...aka DA BOMB. So basically, it's a gigantic thumb with another thingy that gets you, well, you know where. I'm very excited for it to be delivered.

***ATTN LADIES: Me thinks I will be having a little partay of my own soon...heeheeheehee.

No Me Gusta Sunburn...Quiero Morir

That translates to--- I fucking can't believe I got sunburn. I am in so much pain. I am an idiot. I am a white idiot who didn't use SPF 130 and now my skin feels like it's on fire. I WANT TO DIE!!!!

Well, that's sorta the translation. You get the idea. I'm gonna fast forward through to the end of my holiday weekend. Yesterday. There was fun stuff in between (but not as fun as sex toys and sunburn), however, my burnt cells are sizzling so I will pass out soon I'm sure.

So, I went kayaking yesterday. You are probably saying, "FiFi, you are too pretty and delicate to kayak." I assure you I'm not. This was my first time...and with the sunburn...'tis more painful than that other first time (you know what I mean). I did amazingly. Probably the best first time kayaker on the block. So, but anyway, I did get a wee bit of sunburn (and by wee bit I mean my entire arms, legs and neck...oh and even my ears). This makes me sad. It does seem probable that after 5 hours on the water this might happen. Why didn't I plan ahead? Because I'm not too good of a plan aheader. And I usually just assume that I'm invinceable. So, obviously the sun is my kryptonite. ...And even after aloeing my ass up and down (looking like a shiny wax person) I still feel the severe severe pain. Stinging...stabbing...pricking...burning pain. But don't worry, the Fif-meister will survive. I'm sure I've been in worse pain than this...I just can't remember when. So my braincells are officially fried so I'm shutting down. 'Til manana.