Something Confusing

There are things about myself that I do not understand. I feel so much better lately. I am extraordinarily happy...but...there is one thing I have a hard time moving past. I guess it will take a lot of time, but it seems so odd to me considering the way things have been going for me lately that I would still be affected by this.

My self esteem has been improving, but the part that still hurts and cripples me is that my ex was ashamed of me. Ashamed of how I looked. Ashamed of me and didn't want me to meet her friends. Now, I, in turn, tend to feel ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I am attractive enough or good enough that anyone would ever want me.

I think that this has been changing recently. Given recent events, especially the events of this past weekend, it has been proven to me that I am most assuredly attractive and people most definitely want to be with me.

So...despite the fact that people keep telling me how beautiful I am. Despite the fact that people are checking me out. Despite the fact that I've lost 11 pounds. Despite the fact that the way I've been dressing makes me look sexier. Despite the fact that I have two people that want to be with me in the worst possible way. Despite the fact that everyone wants to be around me (thinks I'm fun, amazing, totally cool). Despite the fact that I have this mojo that manifested itself to the point of being able to score any girl I want. Despite the fact that my friends want to steal some of my mojo. Despite the fact that I am exploring and feeling sexier and hotter than ever. Despite the fact that I am in control. Despite the fact that I make all the decisions. Despite the fact that I've been feeling great and being healthy. Despite the fact that I feel smart, funny, and adept in conversation and holding people's interest. Despite the fact that I've been writing (and it's REALLY REALLY good). Despite the fact that everyone thinks that my life now is amazing and fun and exciting and wants to live vicariously through me.

Despite. Despite. Despite. Despite ALL of these things, I still have that fear that there is something wrong with me. There is some hideous thing that people see that would cause someone to be ashamed of me. What is it? Where is it? I'm having trouble finding it.

It's because it's not there. I have to go back and remember that she was mentally ill. That her alternate universe never allowed her to see me. The real me. It warped and twisted to find things wrong that were not actually there.

So, now I have to repeat this to myself when people tell me I'm pretty. When people tell me I look great. When people tell me I'm smart. When people tell me I'm funny. When people find me amazing. When I start to feel like the feelings of sexiness are wrong. When people want to kiss me. When people want to touch me. When people want to fuck me. When people love it when I grab their tie and never let go.

It's these moments where I have to come out of that alternate universe and into reality. I fight it every step of the way. I have to realize that I am not that other person. I am me. Amazing, wonderful, beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, exciting, sexy, confident, dangerous, hot, fuckable, touchable, kissable, darling me.

Thank you to all that have been there for me helping me to open my eyes. You rock!!