I Gotta Go See About A Girl

---I ALWAYS wanted to use that line. It's from GOOD WILL HUNTING. Matt Damon's character leaves behind this note when he goes after Minnie Driver.

It seems appropriate. I feel like I fell into the hole of fate and destiny, and now I have to see this thing through. I cannot explain how the dominos fell so perfectly that led me to this point, but everything clicked exactly into place, happened exactly the way that I wanted/needed. If I were to control the events myself, they would have taken place exactly as they have. That's why half of me is excited and the other half is afraid. But I've been learning a lot about fear and how it cripples---and I've been nervous about the outcome every single time in these last few days, weeks...and every single time it outcomes perfectly :-)

The struggle of loss is necessary. I am sad for a couple of my friends. I always thought they were better off breaking up and then one leaving the country. No run ins...no messy encounters to deal with. But, as I see it unfolding...the geographic distance doesn't cure the pain as well as the emotional distance. I love these two very much, and they loved each other very much. Despite the fact that I thought that we had the same relationships, I can see clear as day that their relationship was very very different from mine.

Hence, the geographic distance does not make it a single bit easier for them to move on. Emotionally, they are still at least within the same state boundaries. I struggle between hatred and gratitude at the bolt of lightning that struck me apart from my ex. This is what was supposed to happen. And every now and then I feel a twinge of pain or a shot of anger....but I smile everyday. I laugh everyday. I am happy everyday. There is a noticeable change in me. And it makes me giggle everytime I think of that phrase "It's not you, it's me." In my case, it's exactly the opposite "It's not me, it's you."

I am grateful for the fact that there is nothing to miss. That every good memory that pops into my head gets killed instantaneously by the last image I have of her at that bar. That any positive thought of longing for her is murdered, dead and gone. And my mind is set at "I regret that this happened, I hate that I wasted an entire year of my life, but I'm a better, more whole person because of it." My theory is that the Higher Power knew that I needed to learn a lot of lessons...so he gave them to me all at once and screwed an entire year of my life...so that I will never have to go through this again.

I know that the positive, good and kind person is standing on my doorstep. I just have to lock the fear in the closet and open the door.